It’s 11:29 and I don’t know what to do.
I could literally do anything. I have nothing planned today.
I’m standing in the middle of the street and I don’t wanna go home.
There’s a cinema close but I missed the start of the last screenings; they were all starting at 10:15.
The next ones begin in too long for me too wait, it would be a waste of time.
I was tempted to enter one of the rooms in the middle of a screening but I’m not sure I’m allowed, and frankly, I can’t be arsed to ask.
There’s a park on the other side of the road. It’s right above a highway.
I’m wondering who had the idea to build it like that. It clearly IS an invitation to jump. Who would want to go high up just to stare at concrete and cars passing by?
As I’m saying this, I realise I would. I’m doing it as I speak.
Maybe I should just jump so I won’t have to take any decisions.
What decisions you might ask?
Decisions about everything. I’m not just talking about today.
Figuring out what to eat, what to wear, what to say, what I like, what i wanna “do” as a grown up, where to go, where to live, where to work, how to get money, how to act, who I wanna be, who I wanna be with…
So many times I just wanted to disappear, be forgotten and left alone.
I don’t think the whole world is against me, I just think “what’s the point?” and I know that’s just so fucking cliche, but I’m 24, I used to be interested in dance, music, love, food, friends and now I just don’t care about anything. I just don’t wanna be anywhere.
Maybe I just don’t wanna BE, full stop.
Life is tiring no matter what, even if you’re more privileged than others, and I’m just very much bored.
I don’t wanna go home either, mostly because I don’t wanna see my mum. Yes I still live at my parents house. I do have a job though. I work in a primary school with kids. That’s the only thing I slightly enjoy at the moment along with Taekwondo.
I’m still standing above that freeway just in case you were wondering. But no need to worry, if you knew me as much as I know myself (that is, if I do at all), you would know that I would never jump.
That’s the problem with being depressive but not suicidal. Back against the wall and there seems to be no way out, not even death.
Like I said before, if you read my words carefully, you would have seen that I never said I wanted to die, I said I wanted to disappear.
You don’t really disappear when you die, it’s quite the opposite actually.
All the attention would be brought to your death so, to yourself. I don’t want this. If I wanted attention I’d just try to get it while I’m alive, I’d know how to do it, I’m talented enough to do it.
Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not implying that suicidal people are attention seekers, I don’t even think it one bit. I actually have understood many times why people do it. I have felt stuck to the point where I thought there was nothing left to do. I just never could wrap my head around actually doing it, which I guess, well, good for me? I don’t know, you tell me.
One thing you should know about me is that I’m never sure about anything.
I will probably say one thing at the beginning of a train of thoughts and say the opposite at the end, pay close attention. I’m not sorry about this, this is the only way one can grow, in my opinion.
But right now, dying is not what I want anyways. I just want nothing.
Death isn’t nothing. Death is sad and horrible, hurtful, dark and mortifying to me (this right there might be a bit of an euphemism) and I’m not sure whether it is a place where you can find peace. Maybe there is one thing I want after all. Peace.
If you wanna know my name, know that you never will, at least, not here, I don’t think it’s important in this moment in time.
You just have to know that I used to be someone who used to want something, and now I am no one who just wants nothing. Or not to be at all. Am I repeating myself? I think it’s ok.
Sometimes I repeat myself to make things clearer but I realize that I’m just saying exactly the same thing I already said the first time, simply with the intention to be understood the second time.
I don’t know how much I’m willing to open up and tell you about my stories, but if I do and you’ve met me before, you’ll know who I am, most definitely. I think it’s ok, but keep it for yourself. Nobody will really care anyways.
If you think I’m a tad too dramatic. That’s probably true. But life is a tad too dramatic anyways so I think I’m allowed to be like this from time to time.
I’m not always this intense. I’m a very sarcastic and funny person actually. People who might know me would probably never think I go through all of this in my head. Humour is my biggest coping mechanism. I’m simply nothing without it.
There ! I just found the key to be “nothing”. I am funnier than this joke I promise. Bare with me a bit more.
The truth about my stories, is, I have a lot.
I’ve lived a lot and I’ve lived nothing yet. I’ve seen a lot and still there’s so much I have left to see. My life is not really boring, hasn’t exactly been either, but the fact is, I’m bored.
That’s probably why the only thing left for me to do is tell someone about it. And not just my therapist.
But I don’t really know where to start.
My traumas as a kid? My bullies? My problematic ever so evolving sexuality? My anxiety? My times living abroad? Lessons I’ve learned?
I always thought if I wrote a book, I just wouldn’t be arsed so I’d pick bits from my diaries entries to make it easier. I don’t know how interesting my life would be to any of you, but as incredibly self-centered as it may sound, I feel like it could be.
I’m not standing above the highway anymore if that can reassure you, although like I said, you shouldn’t need reassurance as there is nothing to it. In fact, as funny as it sounds, I’m afraid of heights. I’m equally mesmerized by it. Falling is my biggest fear but I also feel like, if I wanted to die, I would jump off a cliff in the middle of nowhere and I’d disappear mid fall so I don’t have to feel the crash.
I would want to feel the fall though, and the wind. I imagine it would be incredibly liberating.
It probably wouldn’t though. It probably would end in a second, I wouldn't have time to feel anything of the fall but landing that might be more of a crash in this particular situation and it sounds like it would all be terribly frightening. Most of the time reality is incredibly disappointing compared to imagination.
My imagination. Yes, thats something I should talk about later. Maybe, if I feel like it.
I’m walking home now. Just so you know.