The start of the end
The End is Daunting
When one loses everything in their life it’s at that moment they truly discover what life is truly about and what their purpose is. Most people hear of comas they don’t think of the good that can be brought` in with all the bad. It is within all the darkness life has bestowed upon me I truly found the light. The coma was a chance to erase the past and start with a fresh sleight. It takes a big man to walk away from their past, a brain injury can help you put everything in the rearview mirror and yourself first because in this life you need to put yourself first whether it be in the healing process, financial status, or day to day. At the end of each day you only have yourself so you need to be top priority for yourself. When one experiences a brain injury their whole entire life does get flipped upside down. It all starts with the way they go about their day to day life, thoughts, feelings, even how they experience things. It all changes your mentality and the way you perceive life around you. I’m here today to tell you yes today might suck but it will get better, just look at what you’re dealing with from a different angle.
Yes, I have a severe traumatic brain injury and was in a coma for 2 months. Everyone I meet now a days say they cannot even tell, and I’ll tell you why that’s because everything im dealing with it’s all on the inside. Yes, there are moments of acting out while experiencing troublesome emotions. It really does suck because one moment you’re fine and then the next you have no idea what has been happening or what’s going on. Just flow with it and it will always come back around. There are always moments of wonder why can’t you go back to your old self or even think like that old person you once were. That person did die in the coma I just need to cope with the new me, and at times it is very hard because you’ll go days with no problems but then a thought will come up and take you down mentally for a week beating you up on the inside. Each person’s coping methods are vastly different from one another. You have to find a way that works best for you and utilize that to better yourself.
Personally I found meditation very helpful because I just had to sit there while experiencing this feeling. Empty the mind from all thoughts that are coming in at that moment and focus on what you are feeling at that exact moment in time. Then you need to flush all those thoughts out of your mind along with all the thoughts that are waiting at the entry gates. I tried a lot of counseling and that helped to an extent. What I’d can say about that is it’s definitely a hit or a miss regarding the way you can connect and open up to your counselor. I’ve tried countless over the years but the best one that I had was a cute girl that I really could open up to, but she changed practices. That’s when I found meditation and that taught me to stop dwelling on the past because what’s done is done. There is no going back the damage is done bringing me back to square 1. Without the power and support of my family I’m sure I’d be living on the streets back on drugs. I’ve truly found so much positive things emit my darkest times.
I don’t owe my victory to anyone but me, myself, and I. Granted I wasn’t by myself but if I didn’t have the proper survival mindset to move on with my new self and “drop the old me off a cliff” metaphorically. I did try to grow back into my old shoes right after the accident by going back to my ex-girlfriend who chose to cheat on my while I was in a coma fighting for my life in the hospital bed. I tried to take her back probably while she was still cheating on me and I didn’t know it because I was still a vegetable at that time. But living with her did teach me a lot about myself and where I draw a line on how much crap I take. I thought the TBI was at rock bottom but it kept getting worse and worse. I had to do something for myself, and I didn’t realize at the time but this girl was turning me against all my family and friends because I was blinded by the sex. It was full blown mind control at the time and now that I’m out all I can do is reflect on all that went down and grow myself from those experiences to never let it happen again.
One of the many things I’ve learned from this whole ordeal is if you find your mind snagged on any particular thought is that you need to try and pop the line a few times to see if it is easily freed up to move forward and if not cut the line and proceed to tie on a new lure because you’re a beautiful soul for all that you’ve made it through. There are plenty of other hang-ups out there in this thing we call life. Buck up kiddo because the least amount of damage if the best. Don’t keep dwelling upon it so it keeps on growing inside. Probably why I have commitment issues now, just keep floating down this river called life and something will eventually stick to you like glue. Wait patiently and your energy will attract someone or something that won’t let go. If you are really yearning for that special someone, get a dog. My dog has taught me how to feel and care for something other than myself again. Just in the silent looks your dog gives you can make your feelings go bonkers from one end of the scale right to the other. I don’t know how I was so blessed to get one that actually smiles at me. Smiling is contagious and I now choose to give out smiles when meeting new people. You never know what someone else is going through. That one little smile at a stranger can make them forget the troubles in their mind when they smile back. For that single split second you could be lifting up someone in their darkest times. It will make them think why and how is this guy so happy, what’s wrong with him, and how to I get on his level.
This life we are all living isn’t about materialistic possession’s or what you have, it’s about what you can give to others and ways you can help others in their time of need. If we all helped each other rather than ourselves this would get a lot easier. We wouldn’t be as self-reliant to achieve success. We would all be successful as a human race. It’s all about the good memories we can make with each other while we have this time on this lovely earth, because it gets really dark when we are gone. We are all in this together doesn’t matter what you think. We are all on this earth and need to take care of it along with one another. It took basically dying to figure this out because my heart did stop twice. Share the love that you have in your heart because it will all come back around, I mean after all this is the circle of life and we also live on a sphere and what’s a sphere? A fricken circle when placed on 2D. This life is all a give and take meaning witch the more you give the more you will end up taking because what goes around comes around.
I even ended up losing my vision in my left eye when I started coming to life. The ventilator I was on gave me a blood born fungus that tried to get out through my eye. It ate though my retina and detached it from the cornea. The moment I lost my vision in that eye I found out that nothing matters and all the good on this earth is just mental experiences. We take so much for granted as a human race, this one life is all we have so live it to the best of your ability. We base everything off of what can this certain instance give you, not what you can give. If we all gave this world would be a completely different place and you would receive a lot more.
Why do you think we celebrate Christmas or holidays like that in other religions? It’s a reminder to just give no matter what you have, helping others also feels very rewarding when you complete a task for one another. I grew up in a church and that mentality is in bred into me. You get what you put into this world, kind of why planting a seed usually sprouts a plant if taken care of properly. This world has a lot to give to you if you give to it in the form of anything living or inanimate objects. Love and take care of everything, it’s all about the energy you put off and into other things.
I’m not the brightest highlighter in the box because I tore the whole box up a while ago, and with the brain injury you can really find you are putting yourself into a box for mental security reasons. I do struggle with social skills and I hate being in the spotlight even though before the accident I was a social butterfly. If you can find out what your weaknesses are you can begin to exploit them and work on turning your weaknesses into strengths. Just start enjoying the moment and learn how to live in that exact moment. We as humans are now always thinking about what’s next on the list, you just have to enjoy being on the list at the particular time and soak it all in because it might not ever happen again. The brain injury really grounded me to the shoes I was in and reggae really saved me and my thoughts with all of its upbeat positive vibes, really making me think in a more positive mindset even emits the darkest of days that I was going through. Life is similar to an ocean and we are all floating. This brain injury gave me floaties we are just going from one thing to another bouncing back to the best of our abilities. This injury really taught me a lot about myself and how to conduct myself around others. It really humbles this mess of a man and brought me back down to earth.
Now I just want to give back to people and make their lives better because I know how it feels when one takes time out of their busy life to influence your being to help make you better off. I’ve started to notice that once you’ve been helped so much time and time again, but now that your able to do more on your own you deny help. You feel way more accomplished doing things on your own even though it isn’t always the best option. I know you can do it on your own but it is a lot easier and quicker with the help of others most of the time. With the brain injury I find myself doing things half assed, while yeah it works right now but won’t work for the long run or for others, and I think I do this because I just like feeling that accomplishment of doing something on my own. This is especially true in the job field and why I’m not a mechanic anymore. There were just too many moving parts and my mind couldn’t keep track of it all. I did go to school to work on cars and before the accident, I was a magnificent mechanic working fulltime on german cars and loved every minute of it. After it is all said and done I need to find another line of work because the brain injury has changed so much about me, all I can to is adapt and overcome.
Take everything with a grain of salt because you are healing and growing. A wise man once said “grow through what you are going through” This really stuck with me because regardless of your age we are all still growing no matter what you say. When in doubt learn it out to make the best personal outcome for you even if it’s the worst moment ever. Think of it in another light or from another pair of shoes because everything can’t always be bad. It’s just not the outcome you were expecting but the one you needed to grow and further develop. If you think about it long and hard enough maybe it was best for you in that moment. That’s why I believe I was saved by the coma, I was such a bad kid going down a dark path. A higher power noticed all the wrong I was putting out in the world and brutally corrected me sparring me with my life.
I’m still searching for what I want to be doing with my life but whatever it is I really need to enjoy it. I’ve always said “If you love what you do you never work a day in your life.” That’s how I lived before the accident, I really love Volkswagen (VW) cars and worked at a shop that only did those types of German cars. Everyday didn’t feel like work because I loved what I was doing so much fun being around these specific cars. It didn’t matter what I was doing at work I was just happy to be there. I really need to find that feeling again, I just don’t know what line of work would offer that type of mental reward.
So much has changed with this brain injury that I truly can say you really do feel like you don’t even know yourself. You have to rediscover everything about yourself along with HAVE to fall back in love with yourself before you can move on with your best foot forward. I feel like if you truly love yourself enough the universe will bring you another person to share your love with together and things won’t be as hard because there is so much love in the air, you two will be killing it together and making life your bitch, nothing can get you two down because you are building each other up and have one another to lean on when times are tough. I could be wrong but until then I’m just going to keep learning to love all my imperfections. Believe me with the brain injury it really brings out all of your personal flaws and imperfections. You notice them a lot more and get really down about them, but hey all these little things make you who you are and we are all human. Someone may notice your little flaws and like them who knows they might think you are cute too. Your flaws could make others feel better about theirs, so flaunt your flaws because they make you an individual. Think about how boring life would be if we were all the same. I mean having similarities is cool and all but it’s really the imperfections that make you, you. Just keep shining bright like a diamond and someone will notice your shine and determination to make this world a better place and others feel better.
Life is all about growing and a big part of growing is learning. Doesn’t matter what the subject material is, just as long as you’re learning something. You’re growing your mind, body, soul, and spirit all in one while learning even if it is something you aren’t interested in right now. That knowledge is up there just waiting to come out and impress you along with others, you might not even know it’s up there until someone or something triggers that little factoid hiding in a little corner of your mind. After my brain injury I thought mostly all of the information I had tucked away in my head were gone. Once I begun the healing process it all started coming back to me granted some things were completely gone forever even with reminders, celebrate the things that are there and did end up coming back to you. It’s all about the little victories because those will lead up to a great big win for you, with time it will all come around for you in the long run be patient. It may not be pretty right now of a perfect world in your eyes right now but that’s okay, take all the blame and put it on your shoulders and change what you can even if it’s just your mindset. Look at things different and you’ll slowly start succeeding in your own eyes. Even when it comes to things that are the worst of the worst with that small mentality change the bad isn’t so bad and you start using the bad to your advantages for growth. It takes a lot of practice I know, I’ve been there and still doing that. But I didn’t have anyone there to tell me this important life lesson. I had to teach this to myself because I was at rock bottom with a shovel in hand mindlessly digging down deeper and deeper. Then it hit me, I thought what else could I do with the shovel in this particular instance besides getting deeper into this slump. Change the angle in which you obsess over all the bad and what you cannot do. Little steps in the right direction will without a doubt get you out of that hole you’re in, all beginning with changing your mindset. Finding that little light in the darkness will show you the way out if you put your mind to it. You don’t have to change what you do right off the bat, change the way you think will slowly but surely change what you do. Not everything will change right at once, you may notice nothing at first. Things will gradually begin to change for the better right before your eyes eventually. As long as you focus on yourself and getting better for yourself the whole world changes around you. Things will start getting easier to where you start flowing through this river ever so gracefully that we call life. You are at that point of actually living again and nothing will be able to get you down because you have the power of thought, that is the best super power of them all. To think about anything your way is the all-knowing power of greatness. Nothing will be able to get you down with all that positivity, people will start to notice and wonder why or how. Keep up the great work because you’re almost there, Love will follow with all that great positivity you’re putting off.
When one experiences a TBI their whole life gets flipped upside down whether it be work life, day to day routine, thoughts, feelings or the way they do and experience things. I’m really not sure when you can say you’ve healed from a TBI because once you have one the problems are all still there just not showing themselves as often. The symptoms subside and you think you’re great but then they come back in cycles. Leaving you wondering if the cycle is ever going to break, or even break you. After a brain injury the mind is so weak you can’t really tell who to trust anymore and what the real things are. Everything seems so fake, you have no idea what to believe. Just keep to yourself and move forward. Everything will work itself out whether it be good or bad, doesn’t matter because you have to focus on you and your wellbeing. I’m not sure when you can say you’re better because I don’t know if it’s even possible to ever heal fully from a traumatic brain injury. I have my moments still 4 years after receiving mine where even the simplest things loose me in my train of thought. Just keep pushing forward and you’ll eventually forget it ever happened.
After I awoke from my 2 month long nap I had mo recollection of who I was or what went down. I couldn’t think or speak at that time walking, talking, chewing, and swallowing were all out on the picture. My eyes wouldn’t even focus on the same thing, but day after day with loads of rehab I started coming throughcand figuring out who I was again. At this time I was such a vegitable , it was very important that I had people decide fro me, I had no clue what I needed to survive. The decision maker I had made my recovery very wuick because she knew what I needed to bounce back better than before. The most challenging obsticals offer the best payoff in personal growth. Life has got its ups and downs while going round and round as in what goes around comes around. Give good and you will get good when it comes back around, afterall this is a circular planet spinning in a circle. You can essentially play catch with yourself metaphorically speaking. Seeing all the negative in the world can blind us to the positive especially if the negativity is overwhelming. One must search for the good among all the bad. The TBI brings so much negativity reallu quick and can be overpowering, take the time and sit amongst all the negative and be one with the bad so the good can flow.