Chapter 1
I’m depressed. That is the only way I can describe this dreadful weight that drags along with my mobile cadaver towards uncertainty. I lack motivation to do certain tasks that I normally could do without thinking. Now requires much more will power to accomplish. The only reason I still continue to get out of bed is when my bladder urges me and the idea of cleaning the bed sheets feels strenuous. Bad ideas or unhealthy thoughts have started to trickle in my mind. Thoughts, bad thoughts are slowly burrowing through my head like worms in wet soil. They speak of horrible realities each getting worse and worse as they continue to burrow. “It sucks that you’re all alone, everyone else is having fun you should too”. They always start off tame but then they get worse. “Still alone huh really sucks that you’re by yourself again and no one calls to check on you. That’s because they don’t care about you, they just want to use you”. Then they get worse and louder and start adopting“traits”. “HAHA Look at the sad piece of shit who’s cooking thanksgiving dinner for himself. Making way too much and looking at the door hoping someone will come knocking asking for a plate. BUT GUESS WHAT NO ONE CAME HAHAHAHAHAHA”.
Then there’s others that just continue trying to break me down. ” You know she hates you. She is only trying to be nice because she doesn’t want to hurt the little baby’s feelings. She hates you and the only reason she stayed for so long is that you’re the only option”. The voices have claws not physical doesn’t just as much damage while not leaving marks on the outside are slowly ripping the tear ducts apart so that the salty liquid pour onto the dirt that is my lack of a brain to loosening the way so that the worms can dig deeper and bury me deeper into the pits of despair suffocating in my own soil and tears.
The light grows ever darker and the noise of the voices grows even louder. There’s silence as my eyes open there’s nothing and when I think it’s over. There it is a stab to the left ankle. And it starts again: voices, sadness and self hate now paired with physical pain. They start again coming straight for doubts. “She needed you and you made the bad choice yet again. You always make the bad choice, you are always wrong and you are a piece of garbage and you always will be. Too scared to ride a bus for a day and a half to go-to Michigan, you’re worthless.she needed you most and you failed like you always do”. ” Worried to leave you house with them SHE trust them so should you no one cares if she accused you of walking In on them when she changing at least you’ll be useful but noooo you just had to get scared fucking dipshit”.
The deeper I sink the more I stop fighting and I’m tired… I feel horrible…. I hate myself. “Hypocrite,dumb ass, useless, waste of space, ugly, scared, nerdy,fat,dumb ass piece of shit. A part of me thinks I’m doing this for attention and right now I don’t know anymore. As i’m being dragged to the ground my lips chapped from the salty earth that I have been dragged through I reach the bottom no more dirt no more tears but voices still echo off the walls. In the center I limp off to find the origin of the voices. All I find is a mirror and as I look at my disheveled image I see. A sad mad man but as I look down my lips are moving and all the noise is coming out of my throat. Guess I found the origin.
The end
