I am Kate I love cats, my family and life. For every soul proclaims in the darkness that it is innocent but anyone who knows me will know of my innocence.
For I was no wicked soul I just endured an agonising existence with just one goal, and it was her goal to terrorise and break my spirit and too bring my life to an abrupt stop.
Stopping my very own clock the only way out, the only way to stop those mind numbing thoughts in the dark abyss that others called life from taking over my entire livelihood no sisterhood no bonds would have broken the chains of my never ending pain
And so I flew into the blue but fell into a well my private little hell made especially for me.
And now I rest in the cold, pitch black darkness wishing for someone to set me free. Somebody help me!
At the age of 7 my hair started falling out in these bald patches probably her trying to show me who was in charge, trying to break my confidence and self-esteem, trying to weaken my spirit so I can no longer fight her. At the age of 8 I was still wetting the bed and no one knew why. They didn’t know what the cause was. I guess it was because I was always filled with so much fear and anxiety. It always felt like I was being watched by something, it always followed me around even into my dreams, it was always there. It was like I had two shadows. One trying to protect me from the other. Kali has always been there in the deep dark resseses of my mind, clawing at my skull like a wild hound since I was born.
When I was younger I used to get these severe epileptic seizers. My fever would spike within minutes causing me to fall to the ground shaking. I would be rushed to the hospital so they could get my fever under control I have had many near death experiences so it’s like I have an understanding with the big boss reaper himself, death. The hospital used to be my second home.
I always had these crazy wild temper tantrums where I would lose all sense of control it was her coming to the surface every chance she got and when she is out its very difficult to get her back down there where she belongs, in the darkness.
When she didn’t get her way she would resort to hurting me. Over the years she has grown stronger she would take a blade out of my dissection kit and make me watch myself bleed and she would smile. I can see my hands move but I cannot control them. Most of the time it is like I am a spectator in my own body watching this monster hurt me. She has made me slam my foot in the car door, break 3 of my fingers against the wall but these are just the minor things. I love animals, I had this beautiful cat kitty I will never forget her because I loved her to bits. Kali is a sadist and she cannot allow me to feel love or happiness. I felt my cats neck snap between my fingers then saw her lifeless body fall to the ground and she laughed “ha ha ha”. My heartache brings her so much pleasure. This started a series of animal killings each one more gruesome then the next. She would take over my body for hours on end and make me do things that go entirely against what I believe in. It made me feel dirty and unwanted. Kali has damned my soul and I have accepted my fate for at least I know that she cannot hurt anyone else.
I am telling you this so that you can understand why I only have one option to save everyone from kali, I have only one way to save myself from her, and you have to understand if you don’t have an open mind stop reading.
I have always been filled with so much rage, but I cannot blame kali for that she just enhanced those feelings, family history of angry people you know, that’s probably why I was the perfect vessel, and she didn’t expect that I would fight her. I have been cursed to forever live a life of misunderstood anger and frustration. Demonic possession? That is what it is; I am filled with an ungodly alter ego. Someone put purely on this earth to cause destruction and pain. Someone who takes loved ones away, a killer at heart. Someone so purely evil and I am the poor bastard that she has claimed as her home.
So the hatred for the demonic piece of nothing that is her is back. The numbness is gone, the pitch black hole has returned and I have had what you call a sudden realisation, moment of clarity. She must die…
Her death will be poetic, a figurative, lyrical death for now, but she will soon experience what I have written on the pages of my mind
This is what keeps me sane, knowing that everything has an end. Everyone has to die sometime and I will rejoice in her deadly silence because then every living soul will experience our long awaited freedom that we have never known.
I have seen so many psychiatrists and psychologists even went for a brain scan but no one found anything wrong, always figured that I had some sort of psychosis. They don’t know that I already know what it is. I have been cursed by someone or something to live a life of endless torture and misfortune. I just go to these specialists to give my family some piece of mind, just going through the motions. I can’t tell them that I have been possessed by the goddess of destruction I will surely end up I the Looney bin. I have to clarify that I am not ignorant and I do not at all support the stigma and beliefs around mental health I am a mental health activist but in there I won’t be able to tell my story. My psychiatrist keeps me on a million different meds I would like to believe that they keep kali at bay. They keep me drugged up and numb and to a certain extent it helps. It makes her weak but she toys with my mind and manipulates me and eventually I stop taking my medication.
At age of 14 I tried to take my own life it didn’t work then, a few more failed suicide attempts later and I am still here, she keeps me alive because if I die she dies. She keeps me alive so she can find pleasure in tormenting me, making me tired to a point where my body refuses to function.
With my fist OD I wanted out so badly but I couldn’t tell anyone why, I didn’t even know why. Uncontiously the Kate locked up in here somewhere couldn’t deal with life anymore, she couldn’t stand breathing anymore. When I woke up in the hospital I felt so stupid, I didn’t want the attention that everyone was giving me. The sad faces surrounding my bed made me sick to my stomach. My sister sitting there in one corner crying made me feel so disappointed in myself. I felt so much regret and guilt. I never wanted to cause so much pain. I never wanted them to shed so many tears. I never wanted to cause so much heartache. I never wanted to…
I remember my first suicide like it was yesterday
I was 15 years old grade 10, I recently got my first boyfriend we “dated” for no more than 3 weeks so on the day of the school carnival his best friend broke it off with me, he didn’t even have the backbone to do it himself. Then he blamed me for taking everything too seriously, not a few days after that I got my end of term report card and it wasn’t up to standard so I decided to take my own life. “Does the action justify the means?” most of the petty girls at school were spreading rumours that it was because of the breakup, children are cruel human beings. Right now I would take the breakup as reason with both hands, suicide because of a broken heart so poetic. But I am never that lucky, easy explanation to my fucked up situation, no…
Everyone thinks people who commit suicide are weak, spineless, pathetic and selfish but we are actually courageous selfless and brave human beings. I mean accepting eternal damnation must take some balls. We just weren’t given the right tools to survive in the pool of life. We believe that everyone would be better off without us in some cases that is true. For me suicide brings some sort of comfort, don’t get me wrong I want to live, I’m just not strong enough to try. I have reached that point of no return where the sound of your heart reassuring your brain that you are still alive irritates me.
I have always thought of death as a peaceful escape, an eternal slumber filled with beautiful dreams of grassy green pastures and trees and a quite stream, away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
Clear as the water in a stream that’s the way I feel today I know tomorrow that I may have a bad day so I am enjoying the peace for at least there is no pain.
I am surrounded by beauty trees and fountains and little bunnies hopping around yes I have found a peaceful place and I will rejoice in the tranquillity because I know my piece of heaven isn’t forever
But as everyone says taking your own life only has one destination, the fiery pit of hell. I love funerals because besides the crying I have always felt a state of calmness wash over my entire body. I loved seeing the endless peacefulness on their faces something I have never experienced. Thus I believe that when the last breath leaves my body I will be granted the opportunity to experience how it feels to be free, happy, content and…
In death I could find peace silence, no more feelings of anxiety and no more failures just eternal tranquillity and beauty, the feeling of total and utter freedom. Freedom from all earthly desires, wants, beliefs, no more problems, no more headaches and confusion.
Total and utter calmness like the butterflies fluttering in the summer breeze. No more sorrow, decisions, no more responsibilities, no more fears, no more…
In death I could find peace, in death I could cause sorrow, destruction, pain and suffering, none that I would feel. In death I could be freed from these chains. In my death I could find life!
With my final breath I could experience euphoric freedom, happiness and tearful joy. In death I could find peace.