It
It
A Short Story
It. It’s been here for years and yet I haven’t been able to figure out what exactly It was. It was always behind me. It was always there. Lurking. Waiting. Some people call me paranoid. Some crazy. Some people call me things I don’t wish to repeat. I want it to stop, but I can’t. It is too deep inside of me. It influences my choices and emotions. It doesn’t let me sleep. It is everything. Everywhere. All at once. Yet I’ve never caught It in the act. It comes and goes. Sometimes I don’t even notice It. Others I can’t seem to escape It. I can’t stop, nor control It. It was always holding me back. It made my life miserable. It changed me. I hated It. It hated me. I had just accepted It. It’s there through the highs. Its there through the lows. It taunts me. It doubts me. I’m not quite sure when or why It showed up. Other people claim to have their own It, but my It is different. I talk to people about It, and I get mixed responses. Some help. Some hurt. Others deny It being real. It makes me angry that they don’t believe me, but It is what It is. I can’t do anything about It. And that’s when I finally realized what It was. It really was everything. It was everything good, everything bad within my brain. It makes me insanely smart. It also makes me anxious. I get scared by It. I don’t trust myself. I trust nobody. I’m paranoid. I know all of this is true, but I just can’t express It. I don’t need school to tell me It is better or worse. Just being around other people helps me realize that my It is their version of “better.” It is everything but that. It claws at my insides. It doesn’t rest. If you take one look at me, you can’t see It. That’s the beauty of It. It thinks thoughts before I can think them. It always goes 100 miles an hour. If you take 1,000 random people my age, I am the smartest. But if you take 10,000 people my age, I hate myself the most. And no, this isn’t a cry for help. I am completely fine, I swear. But It will make me successful. It motivates me. It Drives me crazy. But It will never change. That’s why I am able to live with It. It gives. It takes.
