My Bleeding Heart

My Bleeding Heart

A heart so pure; full of rage,

A heart so full of love; destroyed by betrayal,

A heart full of joy; cannot function without sorrow.

My Bleeding Heart!

No one sees my Bleeding Heart for what it is:

A broken, frozen, blackened organ.

Demolished by time and heartache.

A heart so full of blood; bleeds out in a chance to say goodbye.

My Bleeding Heart!

Blackened Heart

So, angry once again!

Ready to let my rage come out, ready to let loose.

It’s time for those who opposed me to understand my wrath!

Let them see the blackened heart which they created.

I will show them the monster they say I am.

I shall overcome!

I shall show them whose boss!

It’s time for me to shine!

Time to let my rage overflow, time for them to pay!

Time for me to stay at the top!

They can feel my hatred coming for them,

They can feel my gaze piercing them,

They shall fall under my siege!

I will show them my blackened heart!

Blood

Such a simple word.

It keeps us alive.

It binds us to our families.

It signifies us being hurt.

It replenishes cell after cell.

And yet, if it’s so simple, why do I feel pain?

I have blood, no cuts,

I have my ties to my family, and yet I hurt.

My heart is what’s hurting.

It aches in pain every time I think of you.

It makes me want to scream.

I wish it was a mere flesh wound; then blood would fix this.

But, my heart does not need blood.

What it needs is to see you smile;

What it desires is your warmth;

It longs for your love.

Without your love, my heart breaks.

The blood seeps out of my wrists.

It pours out of me onto the floor.

It will not replenish this time.

Blood.

Such a simple word and yet;

It cannot hold me together.

Zero

People see me as a tool.

What I can do for them,

How can I be of use to the,

How can they use me?

No one sees me for me.

How can I be who I am – if no one treats me like a person.

Just a tool for their own devices,

Just a tool for their own cruel amusement,

Just a waste of space to them.

No one ever sees me: for me.

Don’t feel like anything,

Don’t feel real.

Feel like a nothing,

Feel like a Zero.

Is this is what it is to be human?

To be treated like a worthless piece of dirt,

To be treated as a lesser being,

To be treated unequally.

How can anyone see past the surface: to see my heart?

Is that not what matters most?

Who you are, not what you can do.

I am not a tool,

Not a toy,

Not some form of entertainment!

I am alive and strong.

Can no one see that is me?

Broken

So broken I am;

Destroyed by how many lives you take from me.

Screaming in anger at how unfair it is!

Crying with no tears because I cannot.

You broke me.

I walk and smile,

I run and laugh,

I leap and the sorrow flow through the wind.

So broken I am;

I will not let you break me!

So broken I am.

Miserable

Every day I show up, I lose a part of myself.

A knife wedges deeper into my heart.

Another hour of sleep gone,

Another day done.

Filled with sounds; annoyances, headaches, heartaches.

I die inside:

Every time I have to wake and come here.

Nothing but pain,

Nothing but money,

Nothing but sadness,

Nothing but irritation.

Always Miserable.

Total Eclipse

So, unsure of where to go;

Of what to do,

Of what to say,

How to feel.

Feel like I’m stuck in a rut that just won’t go away,

Feel like it’s time to quit, to give up.

Could I really do that?

Just disappear from this Earth,

To never say hi to a friend or;

I love you to a parent, or lover.

Times are changing but not in the direction I wish,

Hard to keep a positive outlook when all I want to do is surrender.

My heart is eclipsed in a darkness that stays;

Feels like nothing ever works out,

Feels like no one ever cares,

Feels like no one ever knows the real me.

It’s a total eclipse of the heart.

The Strong One: The Broken One

Feel so much pressure.

Holding up the world.

Holding onto reality.

Holding up a broken family.

Tear stained cheeks: I’m okay.

Clenched fists: I’m okay.

Shouts: I’m okay!

Tired of being the strong one,

Tired of being the wise one;

No one ever asks what’s wrong,

No one ever says it’s okay to cry,

No one ever comforts.

They only ask when they need the strong one.

They only ask when they need the comfort –

The strong one to hold onto.

Always available for others, no one ever there for me!

The angels laugh in my face,

The devils dance with joy at my pain,

Even the weather makes a joke out of me.

The strong one: is the most broken one.

Creature

What a magnificent sight:

Breathtaking! Stunning!

Simply Beautiful.

A creature so pure,

So full innocence,

A temptation to corrupt.

Want to take their purest of thought and turn them dark.

Want to take their sweet naivety away,

To take their virgin selves, and show them sinful lust.

What a magnificent sight!

When you turn a beautiful creature to dark.

They now walk alongside your darkness,

They now share your hatred,

It now walks in the blood trails you leave behind.

Oh! What a glorious day!

When a magnificent creature turns to evil.

Looks even more amazing with blood dripping down its’ arms.

Looks even better with its’ blood red eyes.

Oh! What a magnificent creature!

Pain Is

They say they know pain.

They say how much it hurts.

They say you can live through it.

They don’t know pain.

Pain is:

To never see a loved one again.

To never be able to walk again.

To never be able speak again.

To never be able to love again.

People say pain fades.

People say pain dies.

People – are wrong.

Pain intensifies,

Pain grows,

Pain doesn’t stop until you let it out.

To cry, to grieve, to write.

Pain is.

No One

No one hears me,

No one sees me,

No one understands.

How can you watch me, but never see me?

How can I so invisible?

Don’t look at me and then turn away.

Don’t pretend I don’t exist!

No one hears me,

No one sees me,

No one understands.

Don’t walk away from me.

I’ll make you acknowledge me!

How can you?

How can you watch as I fall,

How can you watch as I break,

As I cry.

Why don’t you?

Why don’t you lend a hand,

Why don’t you piece me back together?

I’ll make you see: the real me – All of me.

Lost Dimension

To escape all the pain and sorrow: take a walk into another dimension.

Look around and get lost, ignore all and breathe.

Be in pain or tears.

Let all consume and let go.

Feel everything and nothing.

Get lost in the Dimension and never return.

Let it truly become your world:

Never have to grow,

Can escape any pain;

To always have a good day, to always have a good life!

Never return!

Stay safe in this world; let it take over your soul.

See the sights,

Hear the sounds,

Smell the air

Feel the Earth beneath your bare feet,

Grasp and taste the sweet serenity.

Stay.

Crowded

It’s crowded in here.

Not sure which me is here today.

The happy, hyper, talkative one maybe;

Or the grumpy, anti-social me?

Wish for once I could forget all,

Just have an empty head.

Wish I couldn’t remember the hard times, the sad times.

Wonder when I became such a person:

One who is bi-polar?

One who is mysterious?

One who is of a divided heart!

Just once!

I wish I could forget all.

Unseeing

Eyes wide open: Unseeing.

Heart beating: Still inhumane.

Family close: Push them all away.

Slept all day: Still tired.

Plenty of friends: All alone.

My head tells me one thing, but my heart controls the outcome.

Wants to know people,

Wants to let them in,

Wants to love.

My head says “No Way”!

My head says they don’t want you,

My head says they don’t need you.

My head says stay away!

How can one be so divided?

How can one be so broken?

How can anyone heal you?

Eyes wide open: Unseeing.

I Dream

I dream a dream:

Of peace,

Of love,

Of a new world.

I dream a dream:

Of chaos,

Of hate,

Of the same tired thing.

My dreams shall become life.

My dreams shall destroy life.

I will be the one to die.

I will be the one to live.

I dream.

Pendulum

My heart is a Pendulum.

Swaying back and forth, never stopping.

Never breaking.

As it swings: it speeds up,

As it swings: it sings,

As it swings: its warmth decreases.

My heart is a Pendulum.

As it swings: my heart races,

As it races: I scream,

As I scream: I break.

My heart; my Pendulum.

Breaks time after time –

Don’t know if I can take anymore blows.

Don’t know if it can fixed.

My Pendulum is broken beyond repair.

Love Thyself

How can others love me, when I can’t even love myself?

I go through the motions, but I’m empty.

Everyone sees me as a fool, as a tool,

Someone to be used and beaten upon.

I see it in the mirror, my self-loathing, my self-hating.

But: I continue to carry on.

No one will destroy me; if I’m all ready dead inside.

My reflection is everything I hope to be: Happy, Kind, Loved.

My reflection is someone who keeps me company through the dark times.

My reflection is what keeps me going;

It inspires me to remember that:

It’s okay to love myself.

It’s okay to be happy.

It’s okay to love when no one else does.