Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 11: JUST ME

May 20, 2014

I
walk
down
this
path
alone
but
so loved am I,
so never on my own…
take
my
joy
I freely share it,
no one can steal my blessing,
not one can stop the peace this brings
The pillow I rest my head on are clouds
The light bulb in my room is the sun
And after losing and being beat down
And broke down
For
Too
Long…
I Have Finally Won
I Have MORE Than Overcome…
good night
the day is done


WONT FLOAT IN SHALLOW WATERS

May 20, 2014

what makes a woman beautiful

is what makes the busiest person stop on the busiest day, the softest pink colors in the sky as the sun sets early, a surprise drizzle on a scorching summer day…

what makes a man stay

is the feel of her hands around his waist on a lonely lonely day, the smile of faith on her face…

On his worst day

In her worst way

Beauty
Loyalty
wont float in shallow waters


THE NOTE

May 20, 2014

left it in a little jar next to the fireplace
I knew no one would see it
I knew the room is never entered
Watch and learn as I talk gibberish to distract from the bottomless pain
Watch as I turn the other cheek to the loved one who calls out “cursed”

I left it on a bridge
On top of a razor
In a handful of pills
And
In a note that will be found too late

I left it
Because I realized
I can’t take it with me


“I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE BUT I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN LOVE” JHENE AIKO ON REPEAT…

May 20, 2014

you’re just saying
“you can do better”
and I hear you
but you can’t hear my heart
you can’t hear whets clear as day
all your
“I will always love you”s
and your
“we have a connection”s
doesn’t match my
“I can do better but I don’t want better”s
I look at who I’m with
and I’m singing
“it only gets better with you”

our comfort inn ending
is really an ending
we can make love like the world is ending
but I will always know…


IN MARVINS ROOM

May 20, 2014

thinking of places
letting go of spaces
I can be a deceit filled minx if I want to be
you think bad girls are born bad…
every bad girl was a good girl once
behind every bad girl is a guy who pushed her just too damn far
you think you understand her
you think you know her
but you don’t see who you turned her into
you don’t realize what her heart has turned into

and I listen to Marvin’s Room
every single remake/remix/sample
I’m just saying…


WINGS MENDED, LOVE WHOLE AND A GIRL WHO WAS BROKEN BUT IS NOW IN CONTROL :-)

May 20, 2014

I woke to myself
and
I knew I could try again
I knew I could un-give up
I knew I could un-unlove

I knew who the angel was
I knew why they put me on that pedestal
and I loved me enough
I loved me even more
I see myself on the cloud of beauty
that is all
me
I see myself with wings
that I earned on my own


HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO UP IN A SWING… UP IN THE AIR SO BLUE…

May 21, 2014

I’m not really here
oh your eyes aren’t fooling you
my physical self is here
but only barely…
the real me
the true me
the emotional me
the spiritual me
the sexual me
the comical me
is so far away…
I can’t even see how far

laying on a beach in Puket
hiking in Afghanistan
floating in Idaho
further and further away I go

you ask
“what are trying to escape from?”
I smile
“the answer is ME”


WHEN THE ANGELS CALLED YOUR NAME, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL THEM “NO”, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO?

May 22, 2014

I feel
crushed
I feel
broken

I have known you are gone
8 months now
so
how
so
why
why
am I crying like I have only just heard?

they say
“the first birthday is always worst”
and they say
“time will heal the hurt”

but I’m starting to think
they are wrong
I’m starting to think
that certain people fill too much of your heart when they are alive
that when they die…
there is just no healing
there is just no “okay” ever ever again

and I still reach for my phone to call you
and then remember
and I still see funny meme’s and want to send it to you
and then I remember
and I still need someone who listens like you do
and I still need someone who understands like you do
and I still need you…

when the angels called your name
why didn’t you tell them “no”
why did you have to go?


“I WRITE SOMETH…

May 22, 2014

“I write something everyday regardless if it’s a one liner, a poem or a prolific thought that I thought throughout the day. When I get into the studio, people may put on a track, I listen for a while and see what kind of emotions it brings out of me. Sometimes, I have a poem or some lines to add to the track with a melody.”
“”— Jhené Aiko, speaking on her writing style.


KINTSUKUROI

May 22, 2014

Are we beautiful?

Are we broken?

Why can we not be both?

I miss the you that I trusted with every part of my soul

The you who wouldn’t break me

The you who made me whole?

Are we broken?

Are we beautiful?


AMBIVALENT, AMBIGUITY, CONFUSION, DILEMMA, DISQUIET, INDECISION,, PREDICAMENT, IMPASSE, PICKLE, CATCH 22, CAN OF WORMS… IN OTHER WORDS… EISH

May 23, 2014

see my purity
believe my lies
smile at my beauty
look into my eyes
the object
of your affection
yet there was a time
you were bored to distraction
and now…
now its my turn

believe this angels lies
depend on that virtue
I could just simply never tell you the truth
you simply may never find out

golden wings on a fallen angel
golden things for a broken girl

and yet…

I’m not lying when I say I love you


SHE TREMBLES AT THE END OF HERSELF

May 23, 2014

I walk in a fog of my own confusion
where are you now
where will we be
oh the danger of letting past love in
oh the danger of letting temptation win
and it makes me less mad at you
it makes me less judgmental
it does feel good
but only because of the betrayal
only because you opened that door…

for you it felt good too
the question is why

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