Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 12: IM A FRUIT SMOOTHIE IN A WORLD OF COCA COLA AND I LOVE IT…

May 26, 2014

within
I hold the keys to everything
in my hands
I hold a power
in my hands
I hold miracles and more miracles
and anyone who see’s me
and anyone who touches me
I cannot let go
I cannot allow to leave
not until I have shared
not until I have inspired
the inner turmoil is not
how much should I give
but
will I there be any of me left…

people unselfish in nature
will kill themselves trying to make the world better
but do not stop them
their lives, their death, their sacrifice
is beautiful
and will never be in vain


PLEASE DON’T RUIN MY LIFE… AGAIN

May 26, 2014

she thinks of him
longs for him
she finds that the memory of a time so good and beautiful
just won’t leave, just won’t go
please go
go go go
as she rolls in the leaves on an autumn day that never happened
as she listens to an ocean that doesn’t exist
if my heart stopped beating
would you realize
if my phone broke
would you even know

like listening to a familiar song
I wait for the lyrics…

but
they
never
ever
come


SHE REALLY DOESN’T CARE ANYMORE…

May 26, 2014

she grabs on
latches on
as though she is drowning
and maybe
maybe she is
she knows these arms
she knows these lips
she clings to familiar
she clings to the dangerous
its an awful thing
but it feels good
she is no longer wrapped up in a pain that won’t decrease
she no longer feels unattractive
she no longer feels boring…
excitement so sweet and so wrong
smiles that she can barely control
and all she wants to do
is
speak
his
name

have you ever let go of yourself
just looked at the person you’ve been for the past 30 years
and said. “nope, not today”
and walked away?
no longer trapped by someone’s dream of the perfect girl
no longer held captive by rules you followed that you never really cared for

she grabs hold
clings too
as though its the first time
as though this hasn’t happened
so
many
times
before…

his hands in her hair
her lips soft on his collarbone
he whispers
he murmurs
over and over again
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I have never stopped loving you

she whispers back
its okay
I love you
I forgive you before you hurt me

but in her heart
a small part of her
is stone
and she realizes
that maybe
just maybe
this
time

she really doesn’t care anymore…


NEVER GIVING UP ON A LOVE THAT WALKED OUT A LONG LONG TIME AGO…

May 27, 2014

she walks the clouds
she walks like a dream
she is a dream
a dream to the boy who wants her to stay the dream
oh the pain of love always incomplete
he does not love her
he loves the idea of her
the idea of her purity
the idea of her having hidden depths
her stubbornness
her resolve
excite him
but not for long…

too abrupt
too open
he loves the games
but doesn’t know his limit
and now I ask
if he doesn’t know
exactly how the …. am I supposed to know
I mean how is she supposed to know
she
not me
ag hell lets just say me
you knew it was me all along…
and you knew
it was him along
not you
not
you

I walk the clouds
I walk the dream
I am the dream
just trying not to get too high too often
just trying not to take too many pain meds…

clouds
dreams
pain
addiction
you
not
him
you


AND THEN THE DOCTOR SAID “SHE GETS IT FROM YOU…”

May 27, 2014

let me starve
let me have nothing
let me have no one
but leave my little girl be…

tease me
pick on me
but leave her alone

when your little girl asks you why her eyes are broken
when your little girl looks at you for an answer to taunts

my eyes
that’s what the doctor said

she has your eyes
micro-cornea
glaucoma
from me to you…

the pain of knowing I passed it on to you

its experiencing
the worst pain ever
and realizing
you,
only you
are the cause


KINTSUKUROI 金繕い

May 30, 2014

金繕い
even for the deepest scars
even the ugliest wound
can be a thing of beauty
love can heal it
love can seal it
make it beautiful and new
like gold is my glue
don’t fix me and then look at me in scorn
don’t make me whole just to focus on my broken pieces…
make me whole for me
not for yourself
that’s love
that is what will make the difference
that is what will finally make it real
heal me with love
heal me with real love
and while you’re at it
you
may
just
heal
yourself


A MESS

June 2, 2014

dark nights
great clouds
butterflies in my cereal
monkeys in my bedrooms
a heart so full
and
waking up with a headache
waking up on the roof
called my guardian angel
only got voicemail
said you’ll stop
I said I will stop too
again
and again
and I will stay away
but there you are on my doorstep again
can I really judge your addiction
when I can’t fight my attraction
I’m a little rear gunner
trying to be a hero
knowing it will kill me
I’m a rocket launcher
pointing it at myself
what a mess
oh
what a mess


BECAUSE SOMETIMES “SORRY”REALLY DOESN’T TAKE THE PAIN AWAY

June 3, 2014

oh consequence
you awful thing
oh consequence
you son of a bee sting
it feels so good
it feels so right
until you thoughts
until your deeds
are pushed into the light

oh silly girl
such a silly girl
thinking she can play games
and fool the whole world
I find broken pieces
under the feet of all you love
and they are dumbfounded
they have truly had enough

if only only
if only only only
the love you had, had been suffice
and you didn’t have the guts to trade the bread for rice…

oh silliness
in loveness
ungratefulness

but she never would have dreamed to sin
if you had not let other girls in…

oh consequence


WHEN YOU FALL APART INSIDE YOU OWN HOPE, WHEN YOU HOLD ON AS YOU LET GO AND GO AND GO…

June 4, 2014

it only lasts for a little while
but it lasts so long
sometimes it just goes on and on
life is short
no
life is long
and it feels even longer
when you realize
you’re doing it wrong
and on and on
a love so gone
and for the one who left you hanging
you hold on

mono no aware
I am just there
words like
forever
and
always
only exist for your regrets…


MY HAPPY PLACE

June 5, 2014

my happy place
just music
just writing
just reading
just words
words in my ears
words in my heart
words on tips of my fingers
I get lost here
I’m so happily lost
wondering in a place I don’t know
and I love it
my heart is an adventure
don’t read it
I’m afraid
so afraid it will
scare you

leave me here
I will return to you soon
but for now
just leave me


EQUIVOCAL PASSION OF THE LITTLE BALLERINA WHO NEVER LEARNED TO DANCE…

June 5, 2014

he smiled at her
like he had never smiled at her before
serious was never the intention
after all this time the passion still surprises
since that day
standing against that wall
when his lips touched hers
and the line was forever crossed
the passion
the passion
like stepping on a landline
the only problem is
a crazy part of her really liked being blown up
he said
“if we stay together, we would kill each other”
he said
“I can’t live without you”
there are rocks and hard places
and there is loving your soul mate
while your crazy passion hides in a wooden box
she was nice
she was bitter
she was living
she was mean
she tried every version of herself
she loved every version of him
but they cannot find of a version of this story
that ends with
“happily ever after”
or even just
“goodbye”

she smiled at him
she told him
“I forgive you before you hurt me”
and then she turned around and simply dance away

for how long?

who knows?
serious was never the intention
never the plan

but
the
passion


THE SWEETEST TABOO…

June 6, 2014

you wrote a note
on a page you crumbled up and threw away
you wrote a love letter
as we stood under that tree
you left your mark on me…

ever had a recollection so vivid
you have to shake yourself
you have to sit yourself down and tell yourself
“snap out of it”

its like you’re still holding me hand
right here
right now
its like the very first time
the very first kiss
I think of the foolish girl who stood against that wall
I think of the foolish girl who thought walking away would be easy

the way the air felt
the way your neck smells
the color, size, feel of your hands

I didn’t understand
Sade I didn’t understand
I listened to the song and it made no sense

until the moment I found myself
in arms so strong
they made me forget
how weak his heart and will is
under the endless kisses
and
the never ending good byes

you wrote a love letter
as we stood under that tree


THE LITTLE LIES WE TELL YOURSELVES, JUST TO KEEP MOVING, JUST TO KEEP BREATHING

June 10, 2014

and he whispers words from his mind and she holds them in her heart
she wants to hear it so he has to say it
and never ever ever
has he been required to mean it
“I will never stop loving you” ” I think of you always” “I smell your perfume and the memories are so strong”

I asked myself why
when you love me as you do
when you always have me on your mind
why why why oh why could we not make it work ?
why?

time

the answer is time

never has your heart
never has your love
had enough time

enough time for me…


INAPPROPRIATE MUSIC CATERING TO INAPPROPRIATE THOUGHTS…

June 10, 2014

its wrong
its so wrong
but she bites her lips and does not care…
its a raining outside
he steps though the glass doors
and she knows
finally she knows
this time
this place
is all that is real
is all that she has
she would run away today
she would kidnap you and run away
a good girl
is a good girl
until she is treated
just a little too bad…
just a little too wrong…

he makes her feel pretty
he makes her feel beautiful
and she
she
makes
him
feel

and she is a gun in his mouth
but he happens to love bullets
and he is the drug in her vein
but she is not afraid to die

hold on
hold on
hold on
for as long as you can

sometimes
something you need so badly
sometimes
something you long for so hard
even though you know you’ll burn
you
place
your
hand
on
the
flame
even though you know you will be shattered
you
reply
“I love you”
anyway…


COMFORT INN ENDING VS ’TIL THE DAWN (HERE COMES THE SUN)

June 11, 2014

a dream come true
perfect nightmare
you pulled up the blinds
you showed me the sun
you pulled up the blinds
for you too see
completely unaware of what
who
you showed me
I ended it
I walked away
I committed
I trusted
and you broke this room peace
you let in too much light
as you were criticizing
I was realizing
I was drifting
and now…

I say
“I love you”
and I mean it
I allow myself to close my eyes and feel it
but I must lie and lie, I can’t reveal it

the boring girl
who loves too much
finds herself
loving too many too…


I LOOKED FOR MY SOUL AND FOUND IT IN YOU… OH NO, HOW CAN IT BE?

June 11, 2014

want me for more
take me for more
I love you but I cant see you
I love you but I can’t be you
my simple life
my simple needs
the most complicated girl you’ll ever meet
a damaged broken queen
you bow before me
you kneel at my feet
but you don’t see
but you don’t hear
what I’m trying to say
what I’m trying to explain
some love is real
some love is fantasy
some love…
some
love
exists in dark grey corridor in a part of the heart that I do not let anyone explore
some
love
exists in sweet soft fragrance that whispers “I am what you came here for”

and some love
some…
love…
is just tired of giving
and wishes she could see some of this devotion returned

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