Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 13: READY…

June 11, 2014

I tell you these words
please believe them
I love you
but
I’m using you
I’m using your love against you
you disappear inside my words
and you land on my bottom lip
you got me on a trip
as I unzip and let our entire reality flip
we’re teenagers again
but
we’re not
oh
we’re not
can I hit it again?
can I do this?
can I still be your friend?
you ask me to be creative
I ask you not to tempt me
my mind is deeper than I have ever shown
my love is crazier than you have ever known

and I open my mouth again
and
I tell you these words
please believe them
I love you
but
I’m using you
I’m using your love against you
you disappear inside my words
and you land on my bottom lip

either you can’t hear me
or you can’t resist to see

you simply never learn
do you
good
I don’t want you too


EVEN GOOD GIRLS GET TIRED, EVEN GOOD GIRLS CAN NOT GIVE A ….

June 23, 2014

I am a giving giving give -her
and
I give until it hurts
but apparently to some
I am never hurt enough

I am not complaining about her
no
I am not complaining about me

I am a trying trying try-er
and
I try until it hurts
but apparently to some
I am never hurt enough

I always want to be nice

and
sometimes nice is right
but sometimes
yes, sometimes
being nice doesn’t work
not
at
freaking
all
sometimes all you need to do is punch her in her throat
hard
and
as she chokes
you whisper in her ear “what where you saying about me?”
because
you see
just like men
certain woman
do not understand any other language but
bitch….


WHO …. AM …. I … ?

June 25, 2014

who am I? what did last nights dream mean? when will the nightmares stop? the horrible flashbacks? and when oh please tell me when will the questions stop?

and yet I am still asking
my brain does not sleep
according to the Dr. it never even rests, a. little. bit
I’m sitting at my desk, massaging my face and flexing my left arm and hating what I see when I look in the mirror…

I had an awful dream last night
I had a dream I do not want to describe or put into words
I had a dream that I cannot describe or put into words
I
as in
ME
the person who describes everything in detail
cannot do this…
I cannot

Why?

is it fear? or the message it gave me?
it is fear? am I afraid it will come true?

I have listened in fascination as people describe me….
How on earth do they know who I am, when I do not have a clue???


I WISH I WAS DEAD… SOMETIMES… JUST LET ME CRY… SOMETIMES….

June 25, 2014

♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ ♭ ♮ ♯
in my dream I had a dream come true and a nightmare come to life
in my dream I spent the night with primary school friends and circus people
in my dream for some reason, I became a trapped elephant
oh man my mind is so messed up

and I try to find sense in my dreams
and I try not to ask why so much was there, while so much more was missing

and
I find myself forgetting…
that why I am writing this down

I find myself lost for no reason
going around and around

I scream in a crowded room
I scream and there is no sound

I woke up and couldn’t wake up
a man stood over me
suffocating me
I cried out
“let go”
“leave me”
but
only in my mind
only in my head
and
then I stopped breathing
then I stopped feeling
because sometimes
even I just can not fight anymore

I couldn’t sleep after that
I didn’t want to be awake either

people judge
people don’t understand
you tell them how you feel
and
suddenly everyone is a motivational speaker…

I didn’t ask for a friend
I definitely didn’t ask for a “YES” person

but I am asking

but I’m not asking you too fix me
but I’m not asking you too care
its just sometimes
just sometimes
you should
just
let
me
cry
no questions
no solutions

especially if you don’t understand

just
let
me
cry

because sometimes
the truth holds me down and I can’t breath
the truth makes my brain explode inside my head
the truth causes me to shrink and I become so very small
and
sometimes

sometimes I really wish I was dead
♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ ♭ ♮ ♯


NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU

June 25, 2014

the thoughts the words the emotions
I write what I feel what I see what echoes in the silent corners of unspoken shadows

not everything is about you
it is not even all about me either
but since you want attention so badly
here is a little
not a lot
just a little

because in the infinite stares and whispered rubbish of your ignorant minds, maybe just maybe logic can prevail…

I’m not holding my breath
but the OJay’s did say “you never know…”
so welcome to me
not the me you tell the world I am
no
here I listen to music and kick your horridness from my mind
I wrap my self in Coldplay’s “The Scientist”
I cry as I listen to The Weeknd’s “Til The Dawn”
and maybe I do not want to explain why
and maybe I do not care very much for your opinion or judgment…

ooooooooo I sing along to songs I shouldn’t relate too
ooooooooo I don’t behave as I should, according to you

this mind is too full
to tip toe around your opinions, feelings and wishes
your opinions, feelings and opinions don’t belong here anyway…

you live under the same roof as a whore and judge me
you give your loyalty to a soulless witch and call me crazy

there is more
there is truly a bigger picture
there truly a bigger world

beyond your selfish desires
you go back to making me the bad guy
I go back to black…


IN THE SMALLEST PART OF A VERY BROKEN HEART

July 1, 2014

she hides in a little corner of forever regretful
she confesses things, but only, yes only when she is drunk
she holds on to a love that took 8 years to ruin her
she holds on to that love for 8 years more
and if you judge you
and if you love her
it all adds up to the same thing
you do not know her
you cannot see her thoughtless dreams
you cannot hear her broken screams

and she decides to hide it
the light of day is much to strong for it
they say live now
they say you will regret what you did not do more
“oh no” she says
you will regret being caught out more, so very much more…


THE WEAKEST HEART

July 2, 2014

sometimes you need to fix yourself
and by fixing yourself you may break another
you don’t mean to
but you can’t help it
you can give of yourself so much
that you’re left with nothing
you may need that patience back
you may need to unglue yourself to fix yourself
and ignore the destruction in your wake

for so long I was patient
for so long I gave my best and all
and it wasn’t the enough
how easily you traded in the love you now long for
how quickly you dismissed me until you found that you do miss me

if being strong is your curse
if being weak is my cure
then today I am too weak to fight for us
today I am too weak to listen to “I’m sorry” and “I didn’t mean to”

if happy ever after did exist
I wouldn’t be sitting here crying


THOSE ENDLESS MOMENTS THIS ENDLESS FEELINGS

July 3, 2014

I held onto it

until my fingers broke

until my resolve broke

until everything

just everything

was

broke

broke

broke

my deepest darkest fear alive in front of my eyes

and

I overcame and overcame and overcame

until the blood in my veins said enough!

and my brain said no more no more please….

you hold me now

and

give me your all

and

cannot understand why I don’t do the same…

don’t you see?

can’t you understand?

I

gave

you

my

all

I gave you my very soul

and

you took

and

you

broke

it…

I can’t give anymore because there is nothing more to give…


LISTENING TO JHENE AIKO’S “THE WORST” INSIDE THE SKIN OF A 19 YEAR OLD ME…

July 4, 2014

there really isn’t any reason to pretend….

when I am formally, fully just really truly totally freaking fed up

the worst

absolute worst\

nothing beats this

I cannot tell myself anything bad about you

nothing new in any case

I know it all

I have done it all

I have forgiven it all

and in many ways

I am guilty it

so very guilty of it all

you are the worst

but

I am just as bad…

the real difference?

I can forgive

but

you wont

you walk in the shadow of your own justifications

and do not see that sometimes some people sin in the light

yes right there

right there in front of you


OH OH OH ALL THE PERFUMES OF ARABIA WILL NOT SWEETEN THIS LITTLE MIND…

July 7, 2014

when the things that scare you are not monsters under beds
or
shadows you cannot explain
but a pain deep deep inside
an overwhelming unending chasing never fading pain pain pain
when the things that scare you are not out there
but in here
right inside here…

the things I think of sometimes
the thoughts
the images
my mind
oh God my mind…

how do you escape your self?
how do get rid of the boogie man if you are the boogie man?
how do you escape you?

when the things that scare you are not monsters under beds
or
shadows you cannot explain
but a pain deep deep inside
an overwhelming unending chasing never fading pain pain pain
when the things that scare you are not out there
but in here
right inside here…

the things I think of sometimes
the thoughts
the images
my mind
oh God my mind…

no wonder I have headaches all the time
no wonder I wake up crying so often
no wonder my dream vacation is a day without thinking
just a day
just a day
please
just
just
just
a
just a

a
day

just a day

when the things that scare you are not monsters under beds
or
shadows you cannot explain
but a pain deep deep inside
an overwhelming unending chasing never fading pain pain pain
when the things that scare you are not out there
but in here
right inside here…
the things I think of sometimes
the thoughts
the images
my mind

oh God my mind…
oh God my mind…
oh God my mind…


THE BEAUTIFUL FAULT IN ME…

July 7, 2014

and I gaze into the everlasting nothing of a hurt that just won’t go away

so tired of yesterday creeping into tomorrow

of new joy being sucked out of me by old sorrow

I want a new past

I want to go back and not be the one who thought she knew it all

because I didn’t , I really didn’t

it feels like I’m a ghost haunting myself

it feels like I’m the clot in my brain…

I could punch a wall

I could break an entire dinner set

but I could never hurt another person like I have been hurt

and for that beautiful fault in me

everyone who says I’m strong

is wrong…

so terribly

terribly

wrong


LANA DEL REY, DARK PARADISE, ON REPEAT…

July 8, 2014

she listens to a song

she opens her mind to a new reality

one without me

where you don’t touch

where you don’t feel

where you don’t hurt

where you just don’t see

one without me

she listens intently

she gets lost in a rhythm

so foreign

and yet so achingly

familiar

its heart heartbreakingly

clear

the song is a seductress

the song is a red bull

it gives her wings

don’t smile

its not funny

its deadly serious

its not cancer

but it could be

it eventually will be

how does she tell them?

how does she tell him?

laying awake all night

crying and praying for death

rather death than suffering

surely her family have suffered enough

surely her body has suffered enough

but enough of that

enough

back to the song

Lana Del Rey wants to die…

me too sister

me too


ALONE

July 9, 2014

I sit alone

I listen and I write alone

in this alone

all alone

and I am used to being alone

you made me used to being alone

and then you don’t understand my surprise

and then you don’t understand my discomfort

I wanted you here

it was you who rejected me

I went back to the music

I went back to the books

because you rejected me

and now you suddenly you’re feeling lonely

after night after night of leaving me alone

I am alone

because

you

left

me

alone


I AM STILL HERE

July 10, 2014

and I loved so deeply

so dearly

and you forgot

you forgot me

just one time too many

and hurt me just a little too deeply

a little girl lay in a hospital bed alone

she got up walked to a mirror and saw an old woman reflected

what kind of man walks out on the woman he claims to love

hours after she nearly dies?

what kind of woman still begs him to come back?

you complain

you have no patience

you completely disregard…

I AM STILL HERE

yes, I haven’t forgotten the bad, but I haven’t forgotten the good either

I AM STILL HERE


WEIRDO

July 11, 2014

different

odd

strange

they say

because they cannot understand her

she doesn’t resent them

she doesn’t understand her either…

oh the thoughts

oh the pain of her thoughts

oh how she wishes that she wished she was normal

but she doesn’t

she really doesn’t

she really really doesnt

different

odd

strange

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