Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 15: JUST THAT GIRL

July 23, 2014

she had rules and limits

as she walked down a long corridor lined with her past mistakes

but were they mistakes?

she was oh so good

and so was her hold

because she did as she wished

as she did as she was told

she kicks off her heels and looks vulnerable

bare feet short alone

but

don’t

be fooled

it is truly a trick when you fool even yourself…

until the day

when the question is asked

until the moment

she really is forced to look at her self

now there are mirrors everywhere

where on earth did they all come from?

even the ceiling mirrors her true colors

the bible says charm is deceptive…

she didn’t realize how deceptive

it was not only the boys that she had fooled

she was so so foolish to believe she could ever be happy

she caused so much heartache

how could she ever find peace in love

a sweet soft easily broken heart can never ever truly be happy

and content

not when it knows that the fingerprint of her pinky finger is embedded on the bottom lip and on the corner of the hearts of every boy who ever loved her

this is not a vanity

this is a confession

this something painful

and something she is as sure of as the face she see’s in the mirror

why?

because she is just that girl

she shakes herself, slips her heels back on and fixes her hair and lipstick

she walks towards the door with purpose and walks out like the confident girl the world demands her to be

why?

because she is just that girl


INTERNAL POSTMORTEM

July 24, 2014

there is no me without you

she says

there is no me without you

she sings

but

does

not

comprehend

sometimes one must break free and be you and just you again

because once you become too swallowed up

because once you become too much a part of “us”

you may never again find you

you may find a pure heart becoming untrue

because you just do and do and do and do and do and do and do and do

until that one breaking day

that you just cannot make

do

anymore

if you return home

and find me on the floor

if you return home

and find me my bags packed at the door

if you return home

and find the girl you fell in love with has returned

if you returned home

and find you don’t want to leave anymore

sometimes one must be you and just you again…


I NEEDED YOU BEFORE I MET YOU, I LOVED YOU BEFORE WE EVER TOUCHED

July 28, 2014

if I had to cry a thousand tears

for you to wash up on my shore

I would gladly cry them all again

in fact

I would cry a thousand more

if I could get you here sooner

if I could let you see my heart

I needed you

before I met you

I loved you

before we ever touched

every love song I have ever loved

every love song I have ever swayed too

was for you

was you…

you are my music


ALL SONGS END AND SOMETIMES EVEN THE GIRL WHO ALWAYS LAUGHS AND SMILES AND ALWAYS DOES “THE RIGHT THING” JUST GETS TIRED…

July 31, 2014 —

the shadow moves across the floor

she has watched night turn to day and day turn to night again

locked inside a free mind

when she finds her complete self, she loses everyone else

even the most precious

and this is sad

but as she curls up

same bed

same position

same Tigger cushion

she can’t really feel it

the numbness scares her most

but the medication helps with the fear

so its okay

everything

is

always

okay

she stretches out her arm

and marvels at her hands

the healing they can bring

the damage they can do

with her fingers she touches her lips

and yes, them too

so sweet and so cruel

but only to her self

surely that’s acceptable?

she shuts her eyes

and wishes she could disappear

so many times her sadness has been questioned

so often her misery is misunderstood

and he sits there wanting answers

and he sits there needing logic

“what could be so bad?”

“why would you want to die?”

everything hurts her

everyone’s heartache

war

road kill

just

everything

and sometimes

the music

the

music

doesn’t

help

and

she

simply

doesn’t

want

to

be

anymore


MARVIN WINANS “I’M OVER IT NOW…”

July 31, 2014 —

I think of Summer days when being young and lazy was beautiful

I think of Winter days when the cold was a challenge not a hindrance

the love I have is beautiful

the love I have is me

even in dark moments of uncertainty

I still love me

it was a fight

looking for lyrics

looking for a tune

someone who sang what my heart was crying

someway to get my heart back to smiling

I have been lost

I have been so far gone

but I been strong enough to lift me

I have been determined enough to wake and shake me

I have taken my own hand and led me from the edge

at times when not a person had a clue

at times when my whole life looked perfect

with headsets on

and a new song on

I can make all my problems be

gone gone gone…

CARMEN ANGEL MC KAY THE WRITER THE FIGHTER

August 4, 2014

I sit in the centre of no where

and

it

is

bliss

this

this

this nothings amiss

this nothing more to wish…

just this

this

it doesn’t last forever but sometimes it can last long

and it makes me strong

it makes me walk on water

and through walls

it makes me shake off bad words

and hang on

I listen to Corinne Bailey Rae

and

I listen to Jhene Aiko

I go to Fight Like A Girl

and I LIKE and I LIKE

because I do

sometimes I drift away

sometimes I am foolish

but when I write

I am stronger than a hurricane

and

I can

and

I will

blow

you

away

HUM·DING·ER

August 11, 2014

a comment on my blog… a thought about my words

my words…

things that I thought of

a story I made up

in my head

shivers down my spine on a Monday morning

excitement

a quiet thrill that I have never known

this is you

my inner voice tells me

you write

you were born to speak to people through beautiful words in a way that only you can

a gift is a gift is a gift

accept it

ALL HE SAID

August 12, 2014

there are moments when I am convinced that my life is a sitcom.

somebody is laughing.

it is just not me.

I had to tell my GP about my stroke the other day, he has been my GP since I was 2 years old so obviously it was very hard for him too hear and once again I was reminded of how inconsiderate I was to have a stroke. How wrong it was of me to allow myself to have a cerebrovascular accident. It was very upsetting to my GP, especially when I had to explain the reasons behind the stroke,

The depression, the anxiety, the stress…

oh when I gave give him the names of the medication I am on I had to call his receptionist to get him a glass of water. the poor man.

anyway. back to the part about my life being a sitcom.

Dr “been my GP forever” asks me in a serious Dr. voice,

well, as far I know that is his only voice. its not like I have ever heard him speak in another voice. Anyway, he asks “are you depressed?” I laugh because that’s what I do when I am uncomfortable. “I hope so, “I say, still laughing “because if I am not then my medical aid and I are being taken for one hell of a ride”

He stares at me. So I shut up and stare back. That’s so me, always in the naughty chair.

“Here is my advice” he says and I, for a brief stupid moment am actually filled with hope that he will give me some miracle cure, some age old remedy that will make everything okay again.

In my defense, he is older then time so the thought that he had some timeless advice was not so far fetched.

He sits up straight and looks me dead in the eye and says “don’t be depressed.”

and yes, that is all he said

Gee, thanx O wise sage your wisdom knows no end #DrsSuck

LIVING IN THE SHADOWS OF THE WHOLE WORLDS EXPECTATIONS

August 12, 2014

I am not a simple person. I wish I was. I wish I was easy to love, easy to understand and easy to get along with. I wish that the way I can get my hair to fall just right, can be used on the inside of me. I wish the way my smile can be just the perfect kind of pretty… can’t I make my heart… my heart pretty too?? must it carry every wound? every hurt? every word?

I am not a happy person. I wish I was. I wish it was easy to live. I wish it was easy to breath. I wish I was as happy as my laugh sounds, when I laugh I sound so happy. I wish I was a happy I try to make others. If making others happy was a labor done by hand, my hands would be bleeding and bleeding… why can’t I make my heart stop bleeding? why can’t I just stop feeling? why can’t I just stop being?

I am not an awful person.

I

Am

Just

Not

Nearly

As

Good

As

I

Am

Expected

To

Be…

FOREVER A FIGHTER… FOREVER A QUEEN… I WRITE YOU A LETTER THAT WILL NEVER BE SEEN

August 12, 2014

when you are brought down to your knees by yourself, not by fate chance, not by wealth, not by health

and she holds on like those last few drops around the drain

she strains and strains but can no longer from pain

for she already knows,

she will,

give in

and when you are born stubborn

and when you are just that strong you despise your own weakness with venomous hatred

when you are fighter,

even when you know you have lost,

even when you know this,

you still cannot stop fighting

you just can’t

she averts her eyes from the homeless

she doesn’t comment on suicide

they see her as callous, uncaring, and vain

but the truth is

the truth is

beneath the thinnest sheet of bb cream and under just a little kajal and mascara

is a very very broken girl

and

she knows the heart of the homeless man,

she doesn’t need a suicide note to understand…

THE GIRL WHO STANDS ALWAYS SEEMS TO STAND ALONE… PLEASE DON’T CALL ME LONELY

August 13, 2014

she stood staring out the window and tried to ignore the emotions that filled the room. The tension that tried to choke her, tried to push her

right

over

the

edge

“relax” he breaths

never in the history of mankind has a woman hated a word more

never in the history of mankind has a woman loved a man more

she stood in the corridor, the longest corridor she has ever seen

“I cannot see the end” she says to him

but she turns she realizes that he has gone

She never minded being alone. She used to prefer it.

But this alone. She doesn’t like it.

never in the history of mankind has woman felt more alone.

never in the history of mankind has woman needed to hide it more.

she stood

through it all

she stood

and just once she wished she could really relax and sit down…

I AM BONZO THE CLOWN

August 14, 2014

my daddy had me crying at my desk this morning

my daddy had me crying at my desk this morning and he doesn’t even know it

I went on to his Facebook this morning

I went on to his Facebook this morning and this was his status:

“ Depressed and despondent he went for professional help.

The doctor came up with a brilliant solution to his problem.

’There’s a circus in town. There’s a clown – Bonzo.

You need some cheering up. I know his performance will do the trick . I’ve got two tickets. Come with me to-night.’
At this point the man started crying.

’Doctor’, he said between sobs,

’I AM BONZO THE CLOWN !’ “

I sat at my desk this morning

I sat my desk this morning and as tears rolled down my cheeks I whispered..

“I am BONZO the clown too…

THE APPLE OF MY EYE

August 18, 2014

you mend my broken places because you know how it feels to be broken into two, to look into the mirror and no longer see you. you mend my broken places because you fit better than the part of me that I lost. you are part of me now as though you have always been. and maybe you have. I don’t know yesterday. I don’t know tomorrow. I know now. this moment. this fullness. this touch. this kiss. this you. this you that is me while being you and only we understand. and that is as it should be.

there are so many people in the world

there are so many things that can go wrong

yet in a world of chaos, in a world of war

yet in a world of storms, in a world just drowning

we

find

peace

together

I ACCEPT ME WITH ALL MY FLAWS AND THAT SETS ME FREE

August 19, 2014

I find my paradise inside me,

in a place where I like me,

for me,

where I can be me,

just me,

and

it is for the first time

this time

really okay…

no assumptions about me.

no expectations.

I can be as good.

I can be as bad.

I can be as happy.

I can be as sad.

as me.

I am not always okay

I now accept that

I sometimes need help along the way

sometimes I need my medication

sometimes I need quiet

sometimes I need to be alone

sometimes I need to hear my daughter’s voice

sometimes I do not know what I need

and you know what?

I now accept that too

because I now accept me

I accept me with all my flaws and that sets me free

KISSING AGAINST THE WALL STANDING UNDER THAT TREE PLACING A HAND UPON YOUR KNEE <3

August 20, 2014

she was a fickle thing

a silly thing

falling in love

one minute

and

falling out of love

the next minute

but when she was in love

how deep she fell…

and if she allowed you the privilege of falling with her,

if she let you into the depths of the ocean of crazy she called her heart

if she let you in…

oh the things she let you see

oh the beauty you could witness

a girl who doesn’t explore

a good girl can take you places a bad girl could never ever dream of

she can push your needs

she can test your limits

she will surely show your lust

and she won’t shame you with it, she will embrace you with it

she will make you own it

and the world will judge you

say she owns you

and hey, maybe she does

but the pleasure

the pure

the pure pure pleasure makes it worth it

it will make you serve her

there is good love

we have all seen it

many have experienced it

and then there is crazy love, crazy love so tantalizing

that it doesn’t trap you

but it makes you hand yourself over to it

it makes you surrender

she was a fickle thing

and then she fell in love

and

oh

how

deep

she

fell

DO MY COLOURS PLEASE YOU? DO I SPEAK CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHERE DOES MY COLOURED KULLIDNESS FIND YOU?

August 21, 2014

the size of my eyes

the color of my skin

the size of my behind

my legs

the shape and size of my nose

my hair wet

my hair dry

my lips?

they stare at me

I wait for the inevitable question

I smile as I wait for the inevitable question

does my answer please you, oh one race wonder?

I am one in a thousand

I am a storm dressed in skin

I am not my race

for I am not one race

I am a beautiful creation

I am a fusion of all that is glorious in a woman

and I bask in it

I will not stand back from it

am I too fair too be black?

is my hair too coarse too be white?

well good,

I never longed too be either

I love who and what I am

it is you who is confused not me

it is you who is uncomfortable with my identity

I embrace this

every side of me

I love it

every root

I love it

all my heritage

I celebrate it

all my colors

I wear it

do my colors please you?

do I speak clear enough for you?

where does my coloured kullidness find you?

I HAVE PLACE FOR MANY THINGS IN MY LIFE, BUT FOR SOMEONE WHO SITS ON THE FENCE? OH HELL TO THE NO… LET ME BE CLEAR. GET OFF THE FENCE BEFORE I PUSH YOU OFF

August 22, 2014

you either love me

or

you hate me

either way

I will give you a lot to work with

the latter used to bother me

used to give me sleepless nights

but I walked down a very long road and found a place within myself that goes beyond what others expect and accepts me for me and won’t compromise on my happiness any longer

so dislike if you choose to

that is your prerogative

but do not pretend

and do not be unsure

I have patience for much

but I have no patience for that

so let me be clear

get off the fence

before I push your ass off

MY HEART CURLS UP ON A COUCH AND WATCHES ACTION MOVIES AND PRETENDS THAT THE WORLD OUTSIDE DOESN’T EXIST

August 22, 2014

tell me a secret

whisper to me

like you used to

my heart is true to our friendship

even if it hasn’t been to anything else but that

I would never tell on you

I care too much for you

tell me a secret or

don’t tell me anything

I love you enough in silence too

you can just be you

we can sit and listen to music like we used to

just me and you

just in love

just enough

like we used to

this is what we do

this is how we do

and

we do

oh we do

tell me a joke

I love it when you laugh

it makes my heart happy

it makes me hope

hope you will sleep soundly

I hate it when you can’t sleep

hope you will dream of me

I hate it when you don’t dream of me

my heart sits on a park bench in a forgotten world

smoking a joint and giggling

my heart takes a jog every afternoon

my heart lifts weights

my heart goes out all night

my heart has always done more than I ever could

it has always cared more then it ever should

tell me a secret

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