Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 16: MY OTHER NORMAL

August 26, 2014

I drift out and far away to get closer to you

I leave in order, to stay forever

I walk on moons and think of you

I touch stars and forget myself

I let you go, I float away from everyone

a

million

times

a

day

and

it is because I love so deeply

it is because I love so much more

here in a place between the real and not so real

here as I float between different worlds and times zones

and I see my future

I wish you could see

I only see us

I only see you

but

sometimes I just want to spend a little part of right now

alone

with myself

my music

my words

without judgment

or pressure

or questions

I drift out and far away

sometimes

because sometimes normal air is hard to breath and normal me is hard to be…


BEING A DISAPPOINTMENT

August 27, 2014

disappointed yes I understand that feeling

but being a disappointment

that

that feeling is new…

I am the failure

I am the dead end

I am empty pot at the end of the rainbow

it hurts to be the source of your hurt

it hurts to be the one who was thoughtless

I always think before I act

how could I be so careless

how could I be so foolish

how could I be so childish

it hurts to surprise in a way that’s not pleasant

it hurts to know that I have betrayed your trust

I am the lost receipt

I am the forgotten birthday

I am the inappropriate joke made at a funeral

I

am

so

wrong


WHAT IS MINE AND MINE AND MINE AND MINE AND MINE ALL OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN

August 29, 2014

my

affection

my

anger

my

dedication

my

devotion

my

excitement

my

feelings

my

fervor

my

fury

my

intensity

my

joy

my

sentiment

my

spirits

my

temper

my

warmth

my

zeal

my

agony

my

animation

my

distress

my

eagerness

my

ecstasy

my

fire

my

star

my

frenzy

my

heats

my

indignation

misery

my

outburst

my

rapture

my

suffering

my

vehemence

my

wrath

my

zest

my
calm

my

happiness

my

indifference

my

lethargy

my

peace

my

advantage

my

benefit

my

cheer

my

comfort

my

disinterest

my

health

my

joy

my

pleasure

my

my

my

mine


CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF AN INAPPROPRIATE KIND AND SHE IS NOT SO KIND, NO SHE IS NOT…

September 1, 2014

within

reach

and

miles

away

a

heart

can

get

stuck

as

easily

as

it

can

stray

and

you

can’t

understand

how

you

lost

it

you

swear

it

was

just

here

such silliness

such foolishness

can cause such heartache

such damage

“irrevocably fucked is the girl who can’t decide what she wants”

he smiles at he foolishly, beautifully and asks her whether she is quoting Shakespeare


TIME TRAVEL IN LOVE, TIME TRAVEL AT AN ANGLE

September 2, 2014

how to remove the traces of me from you? how to clean up a mess I have made if I not quite done making it? it is all so confusing and yet beautiful. that’s what I have learnt. that is what I now understand now. love is always beautiful. even when it tears you in two even when it rips right through you. and I love with my all and my everything and still hold some back. because there is so much more to me. more love and more ugly. so much dark and ugly. so ugly. and yet in that you love me.

how to remove the traces of you from me? how to walk away from something that I broke with my own two hands. it is all so simple and yet so beautiful. that’s what I have seen. that’s what I now feel now. love is always beautiful. even when it hovers over you all the time even when it traps you. and I love with my all and my everything and still hold some back. because there is so much more to me. more love and more ugly. so much dark and ugly. so ugly. and yet in that you love me.

how to remove what you cannot remove

what you will not remove

what is not really there


READING THE FIRST DRAFT OF MY NOVEL AND SMILING AND SMILING AND SMILING SOME MORE

September 2, 2014

I got caught up in my own words

I read my own words and I got lost

it felt so dreamy and I knew it was true

this is me

this is what I am meant to do

I put characters on paper and I wanted to know them more

I started writing a story

I longed for the end

I need to know how it all ends

I got lost in my own novel

I got lost in my own work

I felt like I woke up from a dream and I was still in the dream

and it as beautiful

so beautiful

oh I cannot wait so see how this will end

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