Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 17: CRAZY LITTLE LOVE IN A CRAZY LITTLE WORLD

September 3, 2014

I move mountains to reach your thoughts and touch your lips with fingertips

I am taller than the highest building and so small inside that I cannot be seen

the love reaches across centuries

it stretches for eternity

there is no point where you and I begin

there is no stopping what is bursting from within

we can win

the love is the goal not the game

the connection is the outcome

what we already have is our aim

you move to a place doctors thought I wouldn’t touch with my fingertips much less dive into

you are stronger than the condition and better than the medication for me

your love reaches across insanity


AND THEN HE TOOK HER FACE INTO HIS HANDS AND HE KISSED HER, HE KISSED HER BREATHLESS AND SHE FELT AS THOUGH SHE HAD NEVER EVER BEEN KISSED BEFORE…

September 3, 2014

if I could put my emotion in a bottle you wouldn’t drink it

if I gave myself to you as you ask you wouldn’t have me

transparent is my mask but a mask is what I wear

and

now you judge me

as we share this kiss

as we share this wish

all the changes in our world

won’t change who we are

won’t change who refuse to be for each other

kiss me again and again

let me pretend

ask me again

let me defend

for the day will come

I know

when you will stop asking

when you will stop wanting

when you will stop trying

and deep down

we both know why…


EVERY NOW AND THEN I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DO NOT FEEL LIKE BEING “NICE”

September 4, 2014

I expect very little of the world
I expect very much from me
and so does the whole world from me

now it must stop
for all the sweetness for all the kindness for all the “too much”ness
I must let go
the mystical and supernatural that is expected of me
is like a anchor that keeps me in place
is also a noose around my neck
tired of the pedestal that I have been placed upon
tired of this never being allowed to be wrong
if someone else is stabbed in the back
or attacked
revenge, retaliation, or at least hurt and anger is expected
but me?
oh dear no
never can be
I am much too holy
I fart fresh roses you see
I am made of pure sunshine
and I walk on clouds when I’m bored

how dare I get angry
am I not joy and love covered in skin?

oh
I expect very little of the world
but I love it still
I expect very much of me and I always will
but its is time for everyone to lay off and give me a break
but cause I have had about all the pressure that I can


SOFTLY SINGING “QUE SERA SERA”

September 8, 2014

there was a boy

there was a girl

they were so good together

as friends

no two trusted each other more

as lovers

no two wanted each other more

but take a step

just a step

one lousy step

into the real world

into a world outside being lovers and friends

a step

just one step

CHAOS

there was a boy

there was a girl

they just couldn’t get along out there

as lovers

as friends

they spoke one language

as anything else

around anyone else

they couldn’t make sense of each other or themselves

there was a boy

there was a girl

they will never be together


ME

September 8, 2014

there are many things I think that I am afraid to write. things I think that scare me. I know I think of death more then most and I am sadder than I should be. but I also know that I appreciate small things that many miss, I stand in awe of the insignificant.

maybe this makes me special.

I don’t know.

it definitely makes me different and after years of fighting it, I finally accept the different within me.

there are many things I think that I am afraid to write. but not this.

I am happy to be me even though me is not always happy.


WE HAVE THE FLUFF THAT MAKES IT FUN AND THE CONCRETE TO MAKE IT LAST

September 9, 2014

it is quiet now

so quiet now

the early morning light falls on your cheek as I watch your gorgeous sleeping form

it is quiet now

so very quiet now

the children have all grown up

the grandchildren are our pride and joy

it is quiet now

so very very quiet now

but it is a good quiet a sweet quiet

I am quiet inside and out

as I sit here beside you 30 years into our future

not the future

our future

for it is the only future I see

I see you

I see me

I am beside you

always beside you

it was always you

it will always be you

yes, our love is not always a candlelight dinner besides a roaring fire on a snowy night but I have never cared for snow

and yes, our love is not a herd of unicorns drinking from a strawberry milkshake river that floats in the air but hey that’s just weird babe

our love is sweet and funny and amazing and stupid and spiritual and magical

we say things together, think things together , do the craziest things together and there are times when you hold me that I feel so happy I could explode

we have the fluff that makes it fun and the concrete to make it last

and whatever comes 30 years from now

100 years from now

tomorrow

I am beside you

always beside you

it always was you

it always will be you


PURPLE DREAMS PURPLE INSOMNIA PURPLE TEARS

September 12, 2014

come into the purple world of my consciousness and see dying stars

experience my minds recollections, remembrance, thoughts, anamnesis, awareness, cognizance’s, flashbacks, memorization, mindfulness, recall, recapture, recognition, reflections, reminiscence, retention, retrospection, sub consciousness,

look through

my camera-eye

my dead-eye

my mind’s eye

Eidetic memory

but only of my own flaws

sensory

short term

long term

eternal

oh

give me amnesia

I beg for a way to forget


MAYBE SHE WAS OKAY OR MAYBE SHE WAS FEELING A LITTLE DEJECTED, DEPRESSED, BLUE, CRESTFALLEN, DESPONDENT, DISCOURAGED, DISHEARTENED, DISPIRITED, GLOOMY, GLUM AND MOROSE

September 18, 2014

she wishes he would just shut up

“shut up and hold me?”

“can’t you see I am crumbling to pieces?”

“can’t you see that I am dying right in front of you?”

I am trying to hold on

but most days I really wish that I was dead instead

she wishes he would hold her

just fucking hold her

none of that trying to fix her whole world

and solve everything

right now, tonight crap

just lay down next to her and for once

ask nothing

expect nothing

and just hold her

she needs to hear him breath

she needs to be reminded how to do that

because sometimes she forgets

she needs to listen to his heartbeat

she wants to remember how to live

because somehow she forgot

she needs him to let her ask him to be inside her

she needs him to let her be free to choose him every time

love is a beautiful pain

it’s a tattoo on our ring fingers

love is choice, a choice made every single day

she wishes he would step back and just for once

let

her

make

it…


HER LOVE TO HIM HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THE SOUND OF THE OCEAN INSIDE A SEASHELL…

September 29, 2014

she is nervous as she reaches out her hand

and

places her palm on his cheek,

it is not strange that she does this nervously,

she does everything nervously

even in the throes of passion

even fast asleep

she feels concerned

she worries

she loves with such intensity

and

yet withholds with just as much

with all the words she speaks it’s easy to overlook,

easy not to hear

how much she never ever says

how little of her heart ever reveals

she wants the whole world to love her

she just wants to be alone

she doesn’t know what she wants

she remembers sitting next to you on that couch

she remembers all the kisses,

she remembers all the passion

she remembers saying no

and she still hates herself for being break your heart

not just because it was wrong

but because it was avoidable

it was all avoidable

except to her vanity…

to her vanity it was inevitable


IN THE SHADOW THAT FALLS ACROSS THE BED AND ACROSS HER HEART IN BETWEEN HER FINGERS AND INSIDE THAT VERY TIRED SIGH

September 30, 2014

in the shadow that falls across the bed and across her heart

in between her fingers and inside that very tired sigh

he scares her sometimes

the intensity

the longing overwhelms her

she has not failed him

she fears the day when she will

not if she will

when she will

for at times

sometimes

he pushes her and pushes her to the very brink

love is blindness and kindness

and sometimes it is just too much

and then he rolls over in his sleep

and she breathes him in deep

all fear

all pain

forgotten

in the shadow that falls across the bed and across her heart

in between her fingers and inside that very tired sigh

he scares himself sometimes…


THE BROKEN PIECES OF THE MOST TOGETHER GIRL

October 7, 2014

I broke it

I loved it

but

I broke it

I do that sometimes

I sit in ruins now

I look at the pieces of the broken hearts around me

and you won’t believe

but I did not realize what I was doing

I did not know

I did not know

and I have broken pieces of broken hearts like broken glass forever cutting through my soul

and I have broken pieces of broken people like broken mirrors forever tearing through my heart

I broke it

and

I can’t fix it


ἘΠΙΛΑΜΒΆΝΕΙΝ

October 22, 2014

welcome to my brain

come inside and see my pain

sparks fly

I lose my mind

can’t control my body

and

that’s

that’s the biggest problem for me

why won’t my body obey me?

the tears of frustration

the humiliation

the dependency

welcome to my brain

my brain that’s turned against me

welcome to my brain

come inside and see my pain


REASONS VS OPPORTUNITIES

October 28, 2014

a reminder

like a knife in her heart

don’t they understand

can’t they see

it is a fight everyday to move on

to get up, go forward, to do what is required

to “put it behind me”

but they speak her name so casually

they bring up the betrayal as though it does not sting

and do not realize that every time

every

single

time

it

feels

like

its

happening

all

over

again

have you ever loved a man with all of yourself?

ever made someone your whole world

only to find that you are the whole world to him?

only to see with your own eyes though cell phone records and text messages that

he does not love you with all of himself

a reminder

a damn reminder

like a knife in a heart

because as always

no one cares about her heart

and for a moment she wonders

if everyone would be as accommodating if things had been the other way around…


PRETTY TEARS AND BROKEN BUTTONS

November 13, 2014

I am in room I haven’t been in yet
I say yet like it’s a predetermined fact
I am in your arms again not because I have to

but because I want to
and for once I just want to let go
for once I just want to do

and its not a love that surpasses all others
that moves the earth and makes the walls tremble
its a button on a remote that no longer works
the button that should have switched this off
the button that should have made me turn away
the button is broke and I succumb
I become undone

I am in your arms like I haven’t been yet
I say yet like its a predetermined fact
I am crying again
not because you have hurt me
but because I should have been stronger
and for once I want I want to hold on and see
for once I want to make the rules

I am the soft whispers on a cold winter night
I am a soft palm resting on your cheek
I am fading away slowly softly

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