Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 2: I WANT TO BE A CHILD AGAIN

May 5, 2014

a little boy smiling
a little boy who learns a little different
a little boy who stays little a little longer
and I look at him
and I see beautiful
not slow
not special needs
just beautiful
I see him hug my daughter good bye
and
I see him through her eyes
just another friend
just another friend
the difference in their speech and learning
she cannot comprehend
oh how I wish we could all be like that forever

we are not born judgmental, discriminatory or foolish…
its something we learn
lets un-learn it


JUST TAKING A WALK

May 5, 2014

I walk down this path all on my own
you hurt me so much
I prefer to be alone
disappointing myself
now that I am used to
but loving someone who isn’t there
I cannot do that
I cannot bare
I walk alone

I walk away from sad excuses
I walk alone
I walk away from unanswered phones and not coming home
I walk alone
I walk away from the promises that you once made
I walk alone

I walk down this path and I’m all alone
you don’t even see that I have gone
I walk away on my own
disappointing the world
that I must get used to
and loving myself for me
I now must do
I can’t be blue
I walk alone


THOSE STARTLING MOMENTS

May 5, 2014

one person
an emotion
a love so deep so strong
hands in my hair
on my waist
on my face
kissing with my all
I tremble in your embrace
dreamy moments
taken over by raw desires
steamy moments
running over and over again in my mind
and I hold myself but
but then I must let go
how could I know
love can be so crazy
so messy
so real
and
I see the addiction
I see its not fiction
I see myself
in you
I see myself
through you
I drive you crazy with my hands
I drive crazy with my love
I drive you crazy
as you do me…
my lover
my other
my beautiful vertigo


MY GRIP ON REALITY

May 5, 2014

I live among the elves
I dance with fairytale creatures
I love people
but I love fantasy more
the fact that reality sucks
is a fact I can’t ignore
my mind wanders
no matter where my body is trapped
my mind stays free
of all the things I have lost
this can’t be taken from me

I smile at you say “let it be”
while my heart sits at a wishing well
and my mind skips pebbles across a pond

I don’t live among
my body only rents space
the real me
can speak to butterflies
and fly with fireflies
and has no duties
has no ties…

I am not really here
quit looking for me


JUST YOU HOLDING MY HAND IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN ALL THE WORLD TO ME

May 5, 2014

Find a bridge made of marshmallows over my strawberry smoothie river
See a million butterflies in a field of happy memories
Doesn’t the sweetest things
Make us most bitter when it leaves
Doesn’t the hardest things
Make us most grateful when its gone
You reach beneath
And deep within yourself
And a person who has no reflection
Find a person you knew who has lost direction
And you find the smallest thing
Just you holding my hand
Is the most beautiful thing in all the world to me


MIDNIGHT PHONE CALL

May 5, 2014

waking up with one thought
and sun wouldn’t shine ’til we found it
on a purple lake of not so thought through dreams

and I look at my hand but its yours
and your eyes are replaced by me
the air is lighter, we don’t breath what they breath,
the sky is brighter, we don’t see what they see,
we couldn’t stop
from wake up calls, to I love you whispers, to the midnight call
whose hanging up?
not you
not me

the way we lived
inside each others minds and bodies and souls
loving like there is simply no control
where touching palms was the sharing of life
and tomorrow only existed if we were together

its finding everything
scattered and yet just as it should
dazed in the glow of that final lava lamp
for a first gift you gave me a fountain

no stopping
no separating
still together when apart
two bodies but one heart
and the longest phone call
not battery stood a chance
the endless phone call
couldn’t wait to answer but now a busy signal

who took the phone off the hook and left it there?


I LEFT IT

May 5, 2014

left it in a little jar next to the fireplace
I knew no one would see it
I knew the room is never entered
Watch and learn as I talk gibberish to distract from the bottomless pain
Watch as I turn the other cheek to the loved one who calls out “cursed”

I left it on a bridge
On top of a razor
In a handful of pills
And
In a note that will be found too late

I left it
Because I realized
I can’t take it with me


WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR

May 6, 2014

When my friend is hurting
The inside of me hurts too
When my friend is deceived or betrayed
I am deceived
I am betrayed
And
I am crazy angry

I love the way I want to be loved
With everything and a little extra

If I am sad and you’re happy
It makes me lil happy
If I am happy and you’re sad
It makes me lil sad

I feel for a friend
As though I live in their heart
I feel for a friend
As though I walk in their shoes

I know hurt
I know sadness
And I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy much less a best friend

Real love
Is when you put the happiness of someone else before your own
Real love
Is when your opinion, your pride and your feelings take second place
Real love
Is when you would rather die then see them hurt

When my friend is hurting
The inside of me hurts too
When my friend is deceived or betrayed
I am deceived
I am betrayed
And
I am crazy angry

When my friend is happy
The inside of me is happy too
When my friend is loved or appreciated
I am loved
I am appreciated
And
I am crazy happy

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