Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 3: TIRED

May 6, 2014

When all you have are ashes in your hands

All that remains of your dreams

Your motivation
Your direction
You’ve fumbled away

And my heart is breaking
Over the smallest things
My heart is breaking

I take the sun out the sky
I kill its light
As I finally admit that my life is going nowhere
As abyss
An emptiness that can’t be filled
A small dark room
That’s filled to the brim with thoughts
Thoughts so dark it burns the soul
And destroys dreams before you
dream it

And suddenly its quiet
Not quiet enough
Not close enough to death
But close enough to do it for now

I just wish it was over
I just wish I was over
I just wish I was over

How come the treasures die but burdens seem to live forever?

All I have are ashes in my hands


May 6, 2014

People say: “lower your expectations and you won’t be disappointed.” And
“don’t trust anyone, love hurts”…
Well, I’m sorry but I can’t live like that, I can’t serve God like that.
Not trusting anyone, being skeptical about everything, going on and on about “haters”…
That’s played out.
Its exhausting and boring. If my expectations are high and I’m disappointed, I dust myself off and try again.
For I know that: “All things work out for the good to them who love the Lord”

If I trust people and they disappoint me, the problem is with them not with me.
“The prayers of the righteous availeth much”
To me that says: the curses of “barty people” accomplish nothing, nada, zip, Fresca!

People say: “Don’t tell anyone about your dreams! Bad luck people will curse your dreams and it won’t come true”
But God says in Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is from Me,”

They say: “Don’t share your accomplishments”
Nee huh uh.
If I’m happy, I’m happy and I know it and I really want to show it and I will be happy, I will know it and I will clap my hands!
If there are people who aren’t happy for me, too bad for them. I have enough people who love me and are ALWAYS happy for me!

Philippians 4v4 tells me to rejoice always and that I can and will do!
Don’t let the devil silence your victory roar by believing in the strength of curses and jealousy over the strength of the Almighty God!


May 6, 2014

when the sun becomes cold and warmth of the wind surround you
and you look at your life
and you look at these people
and you realize

Real Love
Real Family
Real Friend

Cares first for you and then themselves
I will love who you love because I know if they are happy, you’d be happy…
Surely this concept is not so hard to grasp?

Loyalty even when someone’s wrong

Fighting in the name of a selfish love

That’s not loyalty
that’s not love

when the stars becomes dark and dry raindrops fall on you
and you look at your life
and you look at these people
and you realize

you can’t stand united for the purpose of breaking others
and they won’t ever understand, accept or support our love...


May 6, 2014

Missing all those movie chats

It’s so weird to watch a new movie without chatting to you about it first
and boy did we chat
neither of us were really film buffs
and yet…

The super long discussions
when we both loved the movie

The even longer discussions
when we disagreed

It may seem stupid

For me to sit here and miss this now

But when one hasn’t heard our movie reviews
and doesn’t know who our super hero alter ego’s are…

No one can ever really understand just how much I wish I could get a bbm from you asking “hey have you watched so & so yet?”

And remember our life story movies!?!
LMAO for days
this was my favorite

We would describe what our life story movie would be like.
Who would play our characters?
What genre it would be.

I think the last one was a Bollywood movie with soapie actors and French subtitles…
We laughed so much that night, I had hiccups
and you laughed even more when I told you that Arden kept saying “bless you” every time I hiccupped

I’m laughing now just thinking of it
Gotta watch out for those hiccups

Gosh Ray
I never dreamed I would have to write the rest of our screenplay alone…


May 6, 2014

I’m writing and I’m dreaming and if I wasn’t crying I would singing
But maybe I am
But I cannot hear me
Maybe the hurt is too loud and its drowning me out

Or maybe I quit
Maybe I’m just tired of all of it and
I quit it
Another smile and my face will crack in two
I went out looking for you
And I got so lost I reported myself missing too

And the arrows and the plots
At least give me an enemy I can respect

But what am I asking for?
Surely there can’t be more?

Just give me a raindrop that will hide my waterfall
a night that will cover this darkness
and a break
just one lousy break
just this once please

Tired of making the ground my home
Please won’t you help me stand?


May 6, 2014

I was the girl with the smile
I was the one who could fall 100 times and get up 101 times
The one who held on,
didn’t quit,
gave her best
And but now I say
“screw it”
I give up
I don’t care
I am done

And do not fear your judgment
Why should I?
You’ve been judging me anyway

I was the hopeful
A believing fool
Thinking the best of people
Treating others as I want them to treat me
Being good
Always good
No parties
No flings
Good manners
And good thoughts
Believing it will give me a good life
And now I don’t believe in anything all I’ve become is a boring loser
who built her life on a belief that God loved her and woke up one day to realize He doesn’t, not anymore

Talent. Beauty. Brains. And yet still a failure.
It doesn’t matter who you are,
Cursed is cursed

A published author who can’t afford to buy her own book
a mother won’t can’t care for her own child!
a leech, sucking the life out of those who managed to make something of themselves
the eternal child, forever a noose around the neck of her family
the loyal friend, who doesn’t have any

I have held on
I have tried
There’s nothing left
I am done

I have prayed
I have hoped
I have believed
and now
there’s nothing left

Humiliated by myself
Humiliated by my faith

There is nothing left…


May 6, 2014

when you find the pieces of trust under your shoes

You never even saw it fall
you never even saw it break

When your hindsight is 20/20
and you can’t believe what you see

no one has ever really fooled me,

at least not more then I’ve done myself

oh the lies

the lies we tell ourselves

trying to put things back together with Prestick
convincing ourselves its glue

I can do the “me” thing to do
“just smile and wave”
And make myself stay

I can do the “real” thing too
“glare and don’t care”
And then I walk away


May 6, 2014

A real friend
A true friend
Rejoices for you even when she is hurting

A real friend supports you even she can’t understand you

A real friend will never
ever sell you out or rat on you

You became my friend under false pretense

Either to keep me close because you saw me as a threat…

Or even worse you thought I’d help you get access to the real prize…

And what a prize?

Even there you are so blind, all you see is money…

So sad for you
So lame of you

I have seen enough of you since the first day a girl I didn’t know at all presented herself as my brand new bestie

Truth be told
I have always seen through you
I just tolerated you because I felt bad for you
So as fake as you are
I was still a true friend to you

A real friend
A true friend
Cares for you first then for herself
I cared for you
Because you are just so sad…

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