Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 4: TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND, TRYING TO BE GOOD

May 6, 2014

the sweet smile
the soft words
the echoes of a love that came and went
the memories now are stronger than the feelings

and I try to be a good friend
and I try to be quiet
But the pain you endure makes me want to scream
makes me want to climb into the sky and draw you a rainbow
I want to draw back the curtains and show you the beauty you’ve forgotten

the sweet kiss
the soft touch
the shadows of a love that has eternally faded
the sadness is stronger than…
Its Just Stronger

And I try


NO ONE CAN ENTER WITHOUT PERMISSION… BUT THEY CAN LEAVE WITHOUT WALKING OUT THE DOOR

May 6, 2014

when the 1st place in your heart and mind
is filled with him
is all for him

But his heart and mind
is not filled with you…
is not all for you…

nobody gives their heart marker to another
not even the most foolishly in love
if you want your name on his heart
he has to want it there too
we write on our own hearts

no one can enter without permission
but they can leave without walking out the door

when the dedication in your life and deeds

is focused on him
is defined by him

But his life and deeds
is not focused on you…
is not defined by you…

nobody gives their mind key to another
not even the most foolishly in love
if you want your face on his mind
he has to want it there too
we open our own minds

no one can enter without permission
but they can leave without walking out the door

so that’s the funny
are you laughing?

you’re hurting
not because of him…
but because of you…


YOUR CHOICE YOUR REWARD MY SURRENDER

May 6, 2014

rather be nothing and no one
then second best or by the way
rather be alone and secure
then clinging to someone who won’t stay

and I don’t hate them
my heart breaks for their selfish souls
those who disrespect
those who curse
those who only ever think of themselves

rather be forgotten and abandoned
then a duty or a reject
rather leave your heart behind
then risk it for your self-respect and I feel sorry for them
my eyes tears for their empty lives
those who disregard
those who scandal
those who only ever think of themselves

rather be homeless and friendless
then surrounded by snakes or living a lie
rather have no one near
then sleep without being able to close your eye

your idea of friendship
your idea of family

your choice
your reward

my surrender


TRUE LOVES KISS

May 6, 2014

its so not black and white
its so not simple
so complicated
and yet natural
to you
to me
its all we ever felt
illuminated
its all we held back
exaggerated
and in your arms
I find me
even though you’re far away
and on my lips you find your soul
every way and every day…
its not physical
its just more
its not forgotten
its raw and pure
and even in this wrongness
it doesn’t feel like night
even as I walk over hearts
it feels perfectly right


DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY SOMEONE ELSE’S OPINION

May 6, 2014

You can hear many stories about a person
You can hear these stories from a closest friend
But every story has two sides
And no person is one dimensional
How can you decide to dislike somebody you do not truly know based on a picture drawn for you?

You don’t know me…

Until you’ve seen her actions with your own eyes

Until you’ve felt her presence physically in your own life

Two people can friends
Two people can love each other true
These same two people are allowed to have a different view

Just because my friend dislikes you, must I dislike you too?

Be true to yourself before you show loyalty to others
That way you won’t lose yourself in someone else views
And you may find what you see as mundane
Is what they see as news
You may realize you don’t want to be used
But you actually want to choose


HEARTPINS

May 6, 2014

those days
those days
those careless days
how we knew each other
but could never reach a point of understanding
of making it work
of making it last
such passion
despite how many times we say we won’t go to far
despite how many times we say it is the last time…
you give me that look
and
and
and
I’m in your arms
and I’m telling you everything my voice can’t
I tell you with my lips
I tell you with my tongue
I tell you with my hands
I press right against you and
I just tell you everything
over and over again
and in these lonely moments
in the dead of night
the images
the smell
the sensation
still stays
on me
in me
with me

you took a photo of us
and your pinned it to my soul…


HOLDING HANDS

May 6, 2014

that immediate love
that very first time you held my hand
its more than enough
at least it was
but then you looked the other way
you let go my hand
you let your heart stray
and now you say
you say
you love me
you say
at one point I wasn’t worth it
but now
you say
I must forgive and forget
for yesterday
you say
you say
you say
but you don’t see

my hand is still here empty
you never claimed it back as your own…


A LITTLE BIT OF LIGHT FOR THE GIRL THROWN INTO THE DUNGEON BY HER KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR…

May 6, 2014

life is too short
and the pain has lasted too long
while you laugh with your friends
I share smiles
while you ignore my calls
I have a chat
and what of that?
am I bad?
half your deeds would make me despicable
but somehow you’re not wrong
one day you’ll see I am a treasure
but by then I will already be gone…


RAYLENE BLOEM – PORTRAIT OF A FRIEND

May 8, 2014

I had decided to never trust a girl again
I decided that I was done with being stabbed in the back
I promised that I would never let my guard down again
I sat staring down at the broken pieces of a false friendship
And then I looked up
And there you were

I didn’t want to be friends
You didn’t judge me for it
I refused to trust you
You trusted me anyway
And in that sweet act of allowing yourself to be venerable and asking nothing in return
You won me over
You showed me real friends still exist
You helped me open my heart again to all my other friends
And made me admit that I can’t make the whole world suffer for what one person did.

You got to me when no one else could reach me
I got so used to you
I never dreamed I would have to carry on without you
If I had my way I would lay here and cry because of this pain forever
But I know that’s not what you would want for me, for Alban or for Arden
You rejoiced in my happiness even as you had pain
You encouraged me even when you were sad
That is just who you were
That is just who you are

I miss you Raylene
I wish I could open my heart and show you the gaping hole of our friendship
I am comforted only by reminding myself that you are happy where you are and would want us to be happy to;
And one day my friend
One day we will meet again beyond the blue

I told you “Rest In Peace my Raylene of Sunshine”
Everyday you tell me “Live In Peace my Carmen Sense”

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