Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 6: WRECKED…

May 8, 2014

When you’re here but you’re not
Said you’re in love but you forgot
I was the first and now I don’t even feature
Right next to you but still I can’t reach you
I know the time has time has come this buildings about to fall
But I stand still and I’m singing “didn’t we almost have it all”
Am I forgiven?
For the life that you are living?
Who is deceiving?
And even a fool cant keep believing…

The sweetest love story
The saddest heartbreak

When you’re here but you’re not
Said you’re in love but you forgot
I was the first and now I don’t even feature
Right next to you but still I can’t reach you


THE PLAYLIST

May 8, 2014

Listening to your music because its making you feel closer
But guessing that someone shoulda told ya
Even the youngest love gets older and meekest girl gets bolder
She climbs off of the roller coaster and says “I told ya”

You took the only love and made me your conquest
But when it came to the long run I lost the contest
Guess its for the best
You learn more or less
But can never leave this mess its a test

Have you ever woken dreaming?
I think your own lies you have start believing
Where’s the future when there is so much deceiving
You say your leaving
Does that mean you haven’t left yet
Can you hear me screaming?

Listening to my pain because its all that’s true
But my heart still only wants you
Even the brightest sky turns blue and this girl just doesn’t know what to do
She climbs into bed crying and says “I miss you”

Your songs on repeat in my brain
Thinking of you
And singing “Nothing Was The Same”


AFRAID OF THE DARK

May 8, 2014

Carry the bag like its heavy
Frame the photo and pretend the memory can hold it together
I surrender
Tears and fighting are not glue

Carry on like its okay
Tame your temper and pretend its still forever
I surrender
Tears and fighting are not glue

And these lonely moments
The thousand candles
The flares shooting up to the sky
Tears and fighting are not glue
Tears and fighting mean nothing to you


SMILE

May 8, 2014

feelings and thoughts
every day a little more
a smile that feels so good
an ice cream on a summer day
a message at just the right moment
thoughts and feelings
so sweet and so real
sometimes you feel so small
and all you need is a friend who will carry you on his shoulders


LOOK AT ME NOW

May 8, 2014

Looking at the sky from the floor
The only way is up
The only way is up
I fought until I couldn’t fight no more
Pushed me so far down
Pushed me so far down

But look around
I’m standing right beside you
But my heads just an inch higher
I stand taller than I did before
Only a fool thinks that you can keep a woman down
Only foolish woman stays down

I walk upright
My stride is firm
In designer rags or knock offs
With empty pockets or a stuffed wallet
I walk upright
I do not stoop anymore
I walk upright

There are so many stumbling blocks
Look at all the closed doors
A simple accident changing my life
My spine wrecked and raw

But look at me
I’m standing despite the pain
But my heads just an inch higher
I stand taller than I did before
Only the faithless thinks that you can keep a woman down
Only faithless woman stays down

I walk upright
My stride is firm

This Trial Is Just Lesson From Which I Learn


WE CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES US STRENGTH… EVEN FORGIVE

May 8, 2014

and forgiveness is a super power
how come I only see this now?
I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength
why did I always think the verse referred to GOOD THINGS or THINGS I LIKE??

that betrayal and pain that I’m too afraid to forgive, lest I get hurt again:
I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength
helping an ungrateful person and not regretting it
I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength
Being optimistic about my future and my health while the Dr’s are testing for cancer
I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength

And you my friend?…
Forgiving the person who abused you
You can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength
Accepting, forgiving and welcoming the parent who abandoned you
You can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength
Letting go of the bitterness you feel towards the mother/father of your child
You can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength
Making peace with break up/divorce
You can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength
Writing off debt to save a relationship
You can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength
Trusting your spouse after betrayal and never bringing up their indiscretions ever again
You can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength
Admitting to yourself that abortion is wrong but accepting that God forgave you and that you must forgive yourself
You can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength
Getting deliverance from all your addictions
You can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength
Not allowing a friends betrayal to make you mistrust all your other friends
WE CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES US STRENGTH

Forgiveness stands out in all this
And its definitely part of the “ALL THINGS” that we can do through Christ who gives us strength
And He gives strength because we are weak,
If your struggling for a breakthrough
You may be too strong
Give yourself over into Gods hands and trust Him
We can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives us strength
accept His strength today/tonight and experience a real super power gifted to us from The Almighty Himself
#GodIsGreat


LETTERS FROM A GRIEVING HEART: ON AN ORDINARY DAY

May 8, 2014

On an ordinary day
I would send you a message and ask you about the kids
On an ordinary day
You would send me crazy random pic’s
And I would send you some of my own
But you would always win
Your pics were always funnier
Still dunno where you got them
On an ordinary day
You would tell what Kendl is up too
On an ordinary day
I would tell you what Arden is up too
We would share advice
We would complain about stupid people
You would get me to open up even when I didn’t want to talk
I would pray with you and get you smiling even when you were crying

Today is not an ordinary day
For the last 8 days nothing has been ordinary
I wake up sad and don’t know why
And what bliss
Those few seconds before I remember that you’re gone…

On an ordinary day
When I felt this sad
I could call you
And now
Now I cant


LETTERS FROM A GRIEVING HEART – REGRETS REGRETS AND MORE REGRETS

May 8, 2014

I should have been at Kendl’s party
I should never have gotten too busy
I should have rushed to your side the moment I heard you were ill
But I thought we still had time
I thought we had a lifetime more of children’s parties and milestones and laughter

I should have called you on Saturday
when I sent you a bbm and you didn’t reply

I should have known something was wrong
I should have done so much that I just did not do

And as selfish and stupid as it may sound
I can’t help thinking that
You should have lived…


LETTERS FROM A GRIEVING HEART – NOT ALL MEMORIES ARE SAD

May 8, 2014

I’ve been crying since Friday
But I’ve been laughing too
How could I not?
Just the thought of our bogus jokes and secrets…
you said that we were friends for no reason
we had so little in common but connected on so much
I could tell you anything
You had faith in me even when I didn’t have it in myself.
I would tease you and you would tease me
I would tell you that you’re gangster for listening to Drake
You would call me a Chinese banana for listening to Coldplay

lol

We shared a surname before I got married
We shared so much more as friends
Related by law and not by blood they say
but is that true?
my daughter and your children carry the same blood
And what’s closer to us then our children?

You were my biggest champion when I was insecure, especially when I questioned whether I would be a good mother
I was your biggest fan with everything you told me you want to achieve, because you my friendpol“, you could do anything.
You took me, my hubby and my daughter into your heart
And for that we will never forget you, our hearts are broken without you
Alban comforting me
But I see the pain in his eyes too
You were such a good friend too him too
I’ve thanked you for a lot
But I don’t think I ever thanked you for that
Thank you Raylene
Love you

SAD…


May 8, 2014

I never thought for one second that you wouldn’t make it,
it never occurred to me that you could actually die.
Not just because you are so young but because you’re Raylene and I thought I would always have you around.

And now you’re just gone

One day I’m laughing with you
Skip a week,
1 week
1 lousy week
And suddenly you’re just gone!

And as I cry, its not sincere Ray, it really isn’t.

Because I still cannot accept it
How can I mourn you if I still can’t accept that you’re gone?

I feel like my hearts had been ripped out through my throat and I’m watching my head slowly floating away from me…

Its like the roof of my heart has caved in

Like a storm wind has blown right through me
Emptying me of all logic and reason.

I’ve heard people say that their stomachs in knots but I never really felt it
until now
Now my whole body
My whole world
is in knots

And I am just so so sad

sad

I will never get to send you a funny picture again
I will never be able to laugh at your BBM display pictures again
No more comparing Kendl and Arden’s bedtime antics
No more e-mail counseling sessions or
sending me songs

I can never call you again
You won’t ever send a message again

I’m a writer
I’m a poet
And words are my strength
I use deep descriptive words like: destroyed and devastated
And yet
right now…
sad is the only word I can use
sad
such a simple, small word
sad
and yet today it encompasses all that I feel
sad
it reminds me of you actually
easy for some to over look
and
even undermine
but its depths are beyond measure
and its reach is so much further then anyone could ever imagine…

you are gone
I am sad

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