Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 8: WHY I WROTE LETTERS TO ARDEN

May 8, 2014

In Primary School I was
called many horrid names…
Spooky, Casper, No Eyes. I was teased about everything, from my small deep set eyes, my knock knees, and my pale skin. In High School I was teased for just about everything, for being thin, being boring for not drinking or smoking, for not having a boyfriend, I was even teased because I was smart.

I was told that I am ugly more times then I can count. And it stuck with me. When guys started asking me out, complimenting me, I never believed them.
The scorn and hatred of my bullies was etched in my mind and heart and nothing could undo it, until…

the day my daughter Arden was born and I saw this beautiful girl who looked just like me… And for the first time in my whole life I saw myself as God made: BEAUTIFUL

Her beautiful eyes were my eyes, the eyes I had hated. I could not stop looking at her, transfixed by a little photocopy of me. Me who I never really saw before

Now, Letters To Arden also wouldn’t be possible without Alban either. As I looked at Arden the first time, I saw what Alban saw when he looked at me. The protectiveness, the adoration and awe suddenly made perfect sense. I smiled and told me “I get it” and without me explaining he somehow knew that finally, finally I had seen my worth…

Alban and Arden are gifts from God to me. They give me confidence and courage.

They have made me and my whole life, beautiful…
They made me


A PRELUDE TO MY 2ND NOVEL “THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM”… ALENA IS A RAPE COUNSELLOR. HER SON JUSTIN HAS JUST BEEN ACCUSED OF…

May 8, 2014

and I breath
but its not for me, its for you

like a kiss I can’t forget
the kiss that made you
and a love that never dies, no matter what is done to stamp it out
its burns my soul
and the rest of me,
the rest of this family cannot escape this fire
watch as we go up in flames…

How dare my arms still remember?
A pure little you
How dare my heart still care?
And yet it bleeds for you

Justice.
Justice.
Justice.

Justice is Black and White
until your staring into your sons tear filled eyes…

buried deep beneath the pain is question
but can either of us face the answer?

(NB: please note that when final editing is done the names of the characters may change”


I AM STILL JUST THAT GIRL…

May 8, 2014

I’m sure it was years ago
Was it yesterday
I thought it went away
Its a hundred years pass
But I see you and its just minutes

My fragrance carries memories
My heart only remembers good things
In all my lessons
In all my heart

I am still just that girl

The girl who’ll answer the phone
The girl who won’t leave her friend alone
The girl who forgives you even before you’ve done wrong
The girl who still feels a pull so so strong

I’m sure it was years ago
Was it yesterday
I thought it went away
Its a hundred years pass
But I see you and its just minutes

I am still just that girl

I thought I had changed…

I am still just that girl


BEAUTIFUL ME…

May 8, 2014

when you see me, you don’t really see me…
Don’t hold onto that.
It won’t last very long.
The me that you will be seeing
No one will be able to ignore…

I have found a new destination
All this time searching
And all this time
The person that I looked for all alone
Is me…

How I look
What I sound like
My laugh
And the thoughts I think

Beautiful…
I finally see
I am so beautiful

now when you see me, you will REALLY see me…
Hold onto that.
It will last forever.
The me that you will be seeing
No one will be able to ignore…

Sometimes a physical make over will do
BUT
Sometimes a mind make over is all that’s true…

I sure am
So Beautiful


I AM

May 8, 2014

I am good girl
I am

I’m not thinking these thoughts
I’m not

A betrayed heart is a dangerous thing

A broken girl unstoppable

When you’re hurt to the core
You have nothing to lose
When you’ve nothing to lose
You can forget who you are

You can touch
You can feel
And yes you can betray

I am a good girl
I am


SUCH A *MISUNDERSTANDING*

May 8, 2014

so*. once*. again*…

you*.
once*. again*.
attack*.
once*. again*.
me*.
once*. again*.
you*.
once*. again*.
scandal*.
once*. again*.
cause*.
once*. again*.
trouble*.
AND
once*. again*.
I shake my head and say
“shame”

*misunderstanding*

I don’t understand you, you don’t understand *ME*

Such A *Misunderstanding*

*REAL PRINCESSES* live by a higher standard,
they are loved by A Prince
not fooled by A Frog.

Such A *Misunderstanding*

Virtue* and Self Respect*
not Compromise on Principals

Such A *Misunderstanding*

a “common” girl could never understand how and why a lady would put her foot down,

Such A *Misunderstanding*

the same way a lady can’t understand why a girl thinks she is a doormat…

Such A *Misunderstanding*

if only I still cared enough to help you understand…

but I don’t
I really don’t care anymore

Such A *Misunderstanding*

your
once*. again*.
And
once*. again*.
And
once*. again*.
has this time
become…
ONE*
TOO*
MANY*
TIMES*


THE MOTHERS DAY ( I DON’T HAVE A CARE IN THE WORLD DAY) CHALLENGE FOR CHILDREN BY CARMEN MC KAY:

May 8, 2014

Mothers day is not about gifts,
Its about relieve.
its one day,
the only day,
when we as mothers can stop judging ourselves…

This one day when we can just be and we can possibly see a glance of who we used to be…

See every single day from the day you learn your expecting,
you are judged.
By the whole world
And the whole worlds second cousin
and MOST of all by yourself

We never really know if we’re getting it right…
We try our best
Stress ourselves into a different blood group
And give
give
give

Mothers day is that one day when we can kick back,
relax
and for 24 hours not judge ourselves and ignore everyone else’s judgment

Now if you want to do something for your mum on Mothers day:
LET HER BE STRESS FREE

Anything and everything that your doing (drugs, alcohol, etc…) that she doesn’t approve of: let it go for 24 hours
and hey, who knows?
You may realize that you can leave it forever…

Just give it a shot this mother’s day.
Because even
if you fail, you know she will still love you…

Happy I Don’t Have A Care In The World Day to all the mothers!
And good luck to every kid who takes up the challenge


ITS OKAY

May 8, 2014

Just A Smile
And you think that we’re back in love
And I’ve forgotten all of that stuff
That’s so messed up
But the point of being separate
Is its no longer about “us”
Because in “us” I couldn’t trust
Its bout me
Its bout you
Its bout having nothing more to do
But doing it anyway
Bout having nothing left to say
But saying it anyway

“Its Okay”
We tell them
“Its Okay”
We say it but things aint gonna change because
you have my heart but I don’t know where yours is
I can’t believe it
you took it back
and I didn’t react
and now I don’t know if you hid it or if you gave it away
“Its Okay”

Just A Touch
And I think that you mean it
And I’m once again dreaming
I’m so messed up
Because the point of being separate
Is its no longer about “us”
Because “us” was not enough
Its bout me
Its bout you
Its bout not having a clue
But thinking about it anyway
Bout having nothing left to give
But giving it anyway

“Its Okay”
We tell them
“Its Okay”
We say it but things aint gonna change because
you have my heart but I don’t know where yours is
I can’t believe it
you took it back
and I didn’t react
and now I don’t know if you hid it or if you gave it away
“Its Okay”

Its Okay
I hold you, you say:
Its Okay
Your lying, I know
Its Okay
I believe you anyway
Its Okay

“Its Okay”
We tell each other
“I’m Okay”
We say it but things have changed
you have my heart
but I don’t know where yours is
I still can’t believe it
I still can’t believe it
you just came in and took it
You took it back
and I just couldn’t react
and now I don’t know
I don’t know
Baby I just don’t know
if you hid it
“Where’d you hide it?”
Please say you hid it.
You just hid it away..
Because if you gave it away
“Its NOT Okay”

with a heart in 7 pieces of May
“Its Not Okay”

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