Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

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Chapter 9: NO CONNECTION

May 8, 2014

I’m typing in the words I feel
But my keyboards broke
I’m singing the finest love song
But its coming out choked
And the pain is
What the shame is
If love is WI-FI
We have both lost the network key

And its me
Tears flowing in the glow of my PC
Asking all the questions
But Wikipedia can’t answer me
Who shall it be?

I Google confused
It said
showing the results for “confused”
do you mean “carmen”?

If love is WI-FI
We have lost the network key
Baby is it me?
Is it me?


TODAY I AM BEAUTIFUL

May 8, 2014

A new girl in the mirror
You have made me see
Out of all the mummy’s you could have chose
But you decided to choose me

I remember the first time I held you
It was like holding a rainbow
I remember realizing you are mine
And it made me feel like a hero

I look at you and I see the most beautiful person ever
They told me to not have you, so glad
That I told them “never”

I remember the first time I heard that
You look like me
And how the discontent I had about my looks
Faded immediately

I never liked my eyes or nose
I could never really see
But after seeing Carmen on your face
I fell in love with me

I used to feel ugly and weird
Like I just can’t fit in
But you showed me that I’m gorgeous
And that I can win

Arden my daughter, my hero
You gave me a new start
The change is not just outside
You also gave me a new heart


LOSING MY RELIGION

May 8, 2014

is this how it feels?

never ever come close to this empty before,

and now
I drown in it
I break for it

you hope so hard
believe so long
AND YET
look
the house is gone
the trust is broken
the purse is empty
and
the healing
the healing will never ever come…

Empty
And
Broken
My
Faith
Has
Been
Stolen


TELL TALE SIGNS OF A FAIRYTALE BOOKMARK

May 8, 2014

with my whole heart
with my every breath
and with such fierce unyielding emotion, consciousness & raw hope.
Raw, Unwavering, Unapologetic, Unmatched, Untouched and quite simply UNBELIEVABLE hope; that goes way way beyond everything I thought I knew possible.
In my heart: a thousand fairy lights glow, and the band plays a slow and sweet familiar song whose name and lyrics evade me…
You turn in your sleep and your hand finds mine simply because it belongs there…


SEARCH PARTY HURT PARTLY

May 8, 2014

I was there
A minute ago
I turned around
And I was gone
And in my place was a girl with a sad song
A sad love song
That goes on and on
Its just too long
And the love’s too strong
But sometimes you know
You were not wrong
Until you went along
And then you sang that song
Why did you sing it?
You didn’t mean it?
You seem too love this circus so be a clown
And go on
Travel and be gone
And I will cry on
Looking for myself
When I’m long gone
And sometimes you just don’t want to be strong
And your tired of being wrong

And there goes that song
That song about me
And how I’m gone
For so I have been gone
I forgot myself and carried on
Seems I knew I’d never be back all along


THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT ARDEN

May 8, 2014

She smiles
And
I’m taller
I’m younger
I’m faster
I’m smarter
Becoming a mum is like
Discovering a superpower

Before Arden
I was Bruce Wayne
Ever since I held her in my arms
I am Batman…

Pushing her pram is the equivalent of revving the batmobile…

Having you in my life
is not an achievement
it is a reason to achieve
you are not my success
you are my drive to succeed

She smiles
And
The Whole World Makes Sense
Even When It Really Doesn’t…

She smiles


IDENTIFY

May 8, 2014

living in a dream is not living a dream

when nothing feels real

nothing is right

when nobody knows

who you are inside

And I gave myself a call today
And let the phone ring
once again
again
And
again
nobody is in

I cannot win

you won’t forgive me
you would rather sin
I won’t cry again

And its been awhile now

quite a while

that I haven’t connected

watched myself like a third party

I am being impersonated
And not very well

the real me is the man in the iron mask
the fake me smiles while the real me falls apart

no difference
nothing is the same

I have not changed
I just never was who you wanted me to be…

And I won’t ever be…


MIND GAME

May 8, 2014

Arms around you
All alone
With family
On your own
Don’t be broken
It takes too long
And it hurts because
I can’t remember
I can’t remember
And now I will never forget…

Your lips tasted like forever
And my heart lived in your chest
Like yesterday got up, shook itself off and came after me…

Not again
I can’t go through it again
Surely my crazy quota has already been reached
Surely…

Arms around me
Never alone
With friends
On my own
Don’t be whole
It takes its toll
And its numbing because
I can’t remember
I really can’t remember
And now I will never forget…
Really never forget


FLOATING

May 8, 2014

relax
let the smoke drift to the roof
talk about crazy proof
let me not be me
to you
that the best me I can be
feeling calm
in this palm
not really thinking
getting high
and a little drinking
don’t draw conclusions
tried all the good solutions
how about I go bad today
not scared you’ll stray
that ship has sailed
the love has failed
and I’m asking you to light me up some more…


EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE STRIKES AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

May 8, 2014

diary girl
best friend girl
I keep your secrets in the darkest part of my soul
your rip apart and make me whole
I tell myself to walk away
but resolve doesn’t last a day
what kind of friend would I be
how can I pretend not to see

and
how
how
how
how
can I deny the true need to be needed
common sense has been superseded
and the call from my brain I have not heeded

let me hold you…


MICROCORNEA

May 8, 2014

my daughters eye
my eye
I gave you something
I passed it down
and it breaks my heart to see hurt in you
genetic
frantic
drastic

I live for the day my eyes won’t cause you pain anymore


WHERE ARE YOU NOW

May 8, 2014

ever knew a scent so well?
ever had the memory of a chest, of strong arms embedded in your brain
I can go back in a second
I go back there now
I feel the breeze of a long forgotten afternoon
I walk down the street I grew up in
and over and over and over
I say it is good bye…
but it never really is
is it?


THE OLD COUCH, THE NEW GIRL

May 8, 2014

I should burn it
never look at it again
vivid memories
crazy risks
you can only go on for so long until you are caught
you can only lie so long until you start believing it

some people only love you
when you’re not available
some people only need you
when they don’t have to commit

you should just quit


LETS STAY LIKE THIS FOR A BIT LONGER… PLEASE

May 8, 2014

I hold on so foolishly too you
I try so hard too reach you
inside you
get through to you
you can try 13 minutes
you can try 13 years
but some causes are lost before they are attempted
I listen to the same lies
I fall for the same lines
someone can only fool you up too a point
eventually the only one lying to you is you

should have been there
should have fought for me
but that’s not like you
that are just not easy…

I hold on so foolishly too you
I try so hard too reach you


I BELIEVE IN YOU…

May 8, 2014

if you could see you
as I see you
the things you would be able to do
I see beyond your now and yesterday
I see the hero you are
I can picture your success
I can taste
it is that true to me
but until you look
but until you believe
it doesn’t really matter what I see

I see beyond what your wildest dreams do
I simply, sincerely, completely
believe in you…


JUST BECAUSE IT WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOU SAD, DOESN’T MEAN YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY…

May 8, 2014

De-javu
The worst kind
Bringing the worst
Memories to mind…

Every girl has her limits
Every heart has an emergency exit

A love called willow
A heartbreak called humpty dumpty

Who will have the last say?


DROPPED CALL…

May 8, 2014

I left it here,
Who moved it,
You were standing there
And now you are just gone

Its like holding on after the call was dropped
Its like calling a number that never existed

And I’m calling you and you don’t answer
And I’m missing you and you don’t care

Our loves a dropped call
Even calling back can’t undo what you have done


ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END BUT BAD CAN GO ON AND ON

May 8, 2014

if your holding it together by your fingernails
if your just sitting there watching it tear at the seems…
Love has left

Your holding onto something that no longer exists
Your holding out for someone who has already let go…

And it breaks your heart so badly, you are sure you must be insane
Nothing feels real or concrete
And the happy memories haunt you

when complete becomes incomplete
when you have to get up after love knocked you off your feet

And strangely numb hurts more then pain
Because now you know
There’s just no hope anymore


YOU FEEL SAFE

May 8, 2014

you stand up
Shivers down my spine
Touch my hand
The world is mine

Its like winning an award every single day
Its like getting my breath from every word you say

LOVE IS REWARDING
If. You. Feel. Unrewarded. Its. Not. Love.

This love that I’m feeling is warm and cold and up and down
Its everything
There is nothing like it

You kiss me
And I can dance
Even when its over
There’s always a chance

Its like a cup of coffee on the coldest day
Its like being able to leave but choosing to stay

LOVE IS INVINCIBLE
If. Your. Tip-toeing. Around. It. Its. Not. Love.

This love I’m living
Its here and there and everywhere
It stops my breath
It keeps me breathing

And all I really want to say is…
You feel safe
Safe to hold
Safe to love
Safe to me


CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

May 8, 2014

listening to The Weekend
Kiss Land
explicit…

i am in the music video of my own making

I’m under a waterfall singing something nasty likes its sweets

and I am I am oh I am with you
with
you

cause the only thing I’m taking…
oh
can’t complete the sentence
makes me blush
but I’m ignoring it

he sings
don’t hold back
let it out
and I’m singing
listen to my body talk
do you understand me?
can you hear me?

I’m listening and my eyes are closed
I’m singing along
while writing a new song

I won’t hold back
I let it out…

can you handle it?


WHAT THEY THINK WILL NEVER HAPPEN

May 8, 2014

she sits there without a story
no complaints
no method in which to hurt you
or so…
so you think
its always the sweet ones that will surprise you
its always the doormat you thought would never grow wings
she mends at her own time
and once she strong enough to leave she is gone
she is so gone she couldn’t stand in her own way
its a line that you don’t cross unless you’re sure
or unless you’re pushed
I may look weak on my knees
you see me as to frail to get up
what you don’t see
what you feel
is a resolve
a resolve so strong
and a girl
A GIRL
WHO WHEN SHE GETS UP
YOU WONT EVER
ever ever ever
see again


EVERY WOMAN

May 9, 2014

every name you were called
every tear that you cried
everytime you hurt so deep that inside you something died
every disappointment every judgment everyone who made you feel not good enough
everything everything and everything
as much as its not your fault, it is your choice, you can answer to the names they call you or let them hear your voice

every hurt only lasts as long as you let it
every woman has it within to get up and walk away
every single one
lol
even every married one everyday you choose and on Woman’s Day please choose
choose to be true
be true to you
every woman has super powers
But not every woman knows it
the cruel words, the hurt, the judgment, the deception ONLY has the ability to bring you down if you let it.
Remember a woman who serves the Lord must be praised, not only by others by also by herself. every time you look in the mirror praise that woman of God you see…
See who God see’s when he looks at you


THE SONG

May 9, 2014

Play me a song
I don’t know
This one is getting old

Play me song
That I care for
I am closing my heart to this one

The sweetest tune
The most beautiful melody
Becomes a song that haunts me

Remember the first time the tune was played
Remember
Remember
Remember
Because she will never forget

And the song plays
Over and over

And yet I still here the words
A warning spoke in anger
A song I chose to ignore

And there again
Can you hear it?
The band is starting up
Ready to begin

Oh make them stop
Must I sway to the tune of my own heartbeat
And am allowed to stop when it dies?

Play me a song
A new one
This one has gone on for much too long

And as I sit on the floor in the corner of my heart with my hands over my ears
and tears streaming down my face,
I am humming along
Humming along.
Humming alone.
Because a song may break your heart

But your song
stays
your song


INSOMNIA… IT CAN MAKE YOU GO CRAZY EVEN WHEN YOU ALREADY ARE

May 9, 2014

Your staring into the dark. Looking for light. Trying to justify what could never be right

And it hurts…
It really hurts…
Like leaving a room and coming back to find the door gone
Like forgetting the lyrics to your favorite song

I feel like a moth battling a light bulb
Nothing else to do
I feel like a piece of old gum chewed, spat out and under someone’s shoe

You take a deep breath and this surprises you
“I’m alive?”
“How did the pain not kill me?”
“I was so sure it would”
You would ask this if you could

But before you can feel relieve, you realize the alternative is not better,
You realize the suffocating truth of the matter:

Oh the pain can kill and the pain will
but not quick like a gun

No. This pain has its fun.

It kills like poison.
Every part dies one by one.

And even though you stare in the darkness trying to find the light
You know that it could never ever be right

Because the real light was inside you
And it died when he stopped being true…


NINETEEN AND STUPID

May 9, 2014

When I was nineteen I made a list. I wanted to remind myself of who I am because I was scared that I was starting to forget.
The list started with purple, my favorite color, as if I would forget… But on that day I needed a foundation.
Next was Eeyore, I love that donkey. Reminds me of me, he is also clumsy and breaks so easily.
I love to talk, I love to write, I love to read, number 3, 4 and 5.
I didn’t put God on the list, as always He was the only thing I am sure of.

And pajamas! I love them. But the socks, slippers, everything, has to match or I won’t sleep. I’m agoraphobic yet very untidy. I never say: I know how you feel, because I hate people say it too me…

On and on the list went. So many vices and weird things about me. And 10 years later I have the same list, only now I must remove each characteristic. I must no longer be the girl on this page…

And as before God is not on this list. He is THE ONE part of me that I must keep…


WHERE AM I

May 9, 2014

trapped inside a strangers skin
Wondering how
Wondering when
Wondering if
I will fit in

And it consumes me
You own me
You control me
There is no longer me in me
Not even shadow is left
And when I scream the world is deaf and its un-ending

You love
You live
You
You live?
But do I live?
Do I breath?
Is there thought left inside of me

I gave out flyers today
With my face on them
Have you seen this lady? I asked
People looked at me like crazy!
“But its you” they say.
“Yes, I know. Yes, I know.”
I reply.
But you don’t understand: I can’t find myself anymore…


HE CALLED HER THE NIGHT BEFORE HIS WEDDING…

May 9, 2014

they stood in the rain
and looked into each others eyes
a time before misunderstandings
and a time long long long before lies

the truth that whispered between them
the sky now shouted out loud
she looked so frail
so pure and so sweet
he was almost afraid to touch
almost
but how could he not reach out
how could he deprive himself of the softness of her skin
how could he not allow her hands to touch his world weary face

and she didn’t see it
and she didn’t get it
she just felt like a girl in love
she was just happy to be in his arms
and she didn’t understand it
and she didn’t really believe it
the hesitation
the fear
and
the desire
she was older
but she was not grown
it would takes years before she saw half of what he has seen
it would be years after he died that she would realize what it had really been

but that moment
that moment in the rain
their lips never touched
they just held each other
and without a word
told the other
I love you
I love you
I love you so much

they stood in the rain
and looked into each others eyes
a time before misunderstandings
and a time long long long before lies


THE FIRST TIME I HELD MY BOOK “LETTERS TO ARDEN”IN MY HANDS

May 9, 2014

How can I describe a dream come true?
I am holding a solid object that’s filled with love for you.

its like forever in a glass
And
a photo of the wind…
Every: “congratulations”, “proud of you”, “you go girl”
I can’t describe the emotions it brings.

My Book.
Yes, my book.
My names right there, I looked.
Don’t be concerned for these tears, my hearts over-flowing that’s why they are here.

For every person who ever “liked” a note, asked me to “phrase a message for them”,
Everyone who encouraged me to keep writing…
Thank You is not enough,
Thank You barely scratches the surface of what I feel right now
But its all I can say and so I am saying it: “THANK YOU”

In my hands I hold my dream come true
And its not just because of my talent,
My friends
My family
Its also
Because of you


EVERY WORD AND EVERY TUNE STILL CAN’T FILL UP THE HOLE LEFT BY YOU…

May 12, 2014

she listens to the playlist of her life
she reads a book called “The Wife”
and in short treacherous moments in the dark dark dead night
she lets 13 years ago into her brain
she lets him feel her pain
and yet he stays with her
as she wraps herself around a Jodi Piccoult book
as she sings along to The Beatles
“I want to hold your hand”

she listens to the soundtrack of first love facts
she reads a book called “The Pact”
and on the longest day possible ever in the history of life
she lets an old outdated tune tear her apart
she lets him have another go at breaking her heart
and yet he never leaves her
as she wraps herself around a Marian Keyes book
as she sings along to The Goo Goo Dolls
“I’d give up forever to touch you”


NO VICTIMS HERE

May 12, 2014

I come at you
I storm towards you
and the look on my face you don’t recognize
and that’s a good thing
such a good thing
I run where I used to fear to tread
I break down doors
and show no fear
I have no more fear
I no longer cower in the corner of my weakness
or hide in the shadows of your opinion
I run
I stand tall
and I love the wind in my hair
I love the face in the mirror


SEEKING GODS FACE

May 12, 2014

Now everybody knows that I love my daughter Arden. What many don’t know or take for granted is that I really like her too. I look at her and think :”this is a cool kid.” And even if she wasn’t mine, I would still want to spend time with her. Her personality, which is characterized by her strong will often leaves me baffled. She often has me wondering whether should I be annoyed or impressed?

While thinking about how I much like her beyond the unconditional love I have for her, it made me think,… I want God to like me like that too. I know he loves me but I want Him to like me, to be proud of me, to look at me and think: “this is a cool kid.”.
Tired of taking Gods love for granted. Want to impress Him. Make Him smile. And today I will start with Hebrews 11 v 6: I will have faith and I will earnestly seek Him.


APRIL 7, 2012 AT 7:46PM – THE STORY OF MY DAUGHTER AND GODS SON

May 12, 2014

Its like I only just realized
Only just admitted its true
My 1 year and 4 month old daughter Arden pulled the kitchen table and a cup of coffee burnt her beautiful face and chest the night before Good Friday.

Have you looked into the most innocent eyes and saw a suffering, a suffering un-imagined
a pain so deeply wrapped in confusion
She is asking me “why”
And I look at her and I ask it too
“Why”

Why God? Why?
Can’t I take her pain?
Please let it be who has to have her burn wounds washed.
To feel the terrible pain of having my wounds re-dressed!
Can’t I be the one who is confused because people usually smile when they look at my face but now they look away…
Why does Arden have to go through this? She is just a baby.
Its not fair.
It should have been me God!!!
God???

Oh God.
This is it?
Its how You felt?
This is it, isn’t it?
You saw your precious son hurt so badly.
You saw Him tortured!
You even saw Him die…

Here I was thinking that this weekend doesn’t feel like Easter. But I just realized it does. This year I am not having
the Easter I usually have. I am having the Easter You had.
The real Easter.

Don’t get me wrong I am still asking questions. Just a different questions
.
Instead of asking: “why did my daughter get hurt?
I am asking “God, how did you cope when it was Your Son hurt?”

Grace. Its not just amazing.
It simply cannot be understood.

Author Note: I started this note feeling depressed, faithless, hopeless and very very angry at God. Somewhere around the middle His Holy Spirit showed me Christ’s suffering and also the suffering of God. I looked at the crucifixion in a new light. Christ calls out: “my God why have You forsaken me?” And he was not delirious when He said it. The moment Christ literally took on the sins of the world, God had to leave Him as God is not associated with sin and that’s why the earth became dark. God literally dis-owned, separated from, gave away His precious Son to save us! The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are 1! Its like cutting off your own arm, only worse. For God so loved the world that He “GAVE” his only son!!! What we go through pales in comparison to what God went through and He did it for us!! How can anyone feel insignificant or useless knowing this? He suffered for you and I!!!


BLOEMSIE

May 12, 2014

I smell a flower in the garden of my destiny
I breath in deep, enchanted by the smell
it tells my story
and I accept it
I am 6 feet tall and growing
the greatest thing ever
I am light and sweet and flying
the fastest thing ever
I stand on the edge
on the very edge of yesterday
and I see my reflection in an endless river below
and
I jump in
I don’t dive in
I jump in
arms in the air
shouting out for no reason
like a happy little kid
I am a happy little kid
and
I keep my head under the water for as long as I can
and
I nearly drown from laughing at the heady feeling I get when I come up for air
just having fun for a chance
allowing myself to breath for a change

maybe that is the problem
maybe that is our problem
maybe that was my problem
I never came up for air before
I never really breathed in my life before
and now I breath so deeply
and I smile so sweetly
I live so freely
I love so carefree
and
I accept the whole me
the faulted old me
along with the brand new cool me
along with the me I know that I can be

I will be…

I smell like a flower


THE CRAZED DREAMS AND SAD WAKEFULNESS OF A LITTLE GIRL WHO STOPPED BEING LITTLE TOO SOON

May 12, 2014

the little girl
who is not little
lays in a bed the size of the ocean
she rubs the covers with her palms
she holds her teddy bear close
but nothing can bring the sandman back
nothing can bring her smile back
don’t make me speak
I may just shout
I may tell the whole world what my pain is about
in shivering rain
I walk home alone
only to find home has gone
the little girl
that is no longer little
does does not cry
she has no tears
she left them on the petal of her rose
and that she can never retrieve
she would tell you her hurt
she would reveal the deceit
but she knows
she knows
you will never ever believe


I SWING IN THE AIR WITH MY TEDDY BEAR AND THINK OF A MEANT TO BE THAT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE…

May 12, 2014

if you love her enough
then love her forever
the craziest people are soul mates
who refuse to be together

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