Love, Lust, or Something Else

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Chapter 22: Nightmares into dreams

As I woke up this morning so

very cold and all alone, there
was a new feeling that I felt
of a frightening and chilling
emptiness that was filling up
the void of my very broken
heart, just as a deep rooted
sorrow with desperation of
despair started fighting over
what the very self-inflicted
cause of pain that we call regret
had left for me to become quite
aware while in its unmitigated
path of self-destruction that
was causing more chaos and
confusion all around me more
than I had ever known, while
dark clouds started appearing
from a destructive storm that
was finally done brewing opened
up all around us and now rains
down upon me like shattered
sharp shards of glass that had
broken from a frame that had
fallen from a picture of one of
my many painful memories of
my long and littered past, causing
waves of guilt to come crashing
down upon me like I was stuck
out in the middle of an angry
oceans sea, just as I was started
wondering to myself inside
than even louder as I screamed
on the outside” do I try to swim
to a future shore or stay here
and I drown in my own prison of
self-misery?” Then just as I decide
upon the later because to me in
my life there is no more laughter
just the many tears that have
fallen to the ground filling the
shallow ponds of time around
me to over flow and have now
become these swollen and angry
seas where here now I shall
drown.
So I start to reach up grasping
while chocking and gasping for
the much needed air that I need
just so much now to breath
“Wherewith now is my God whom
I pray and His son Christ my
savior every single day as I started
panicking then placing blame
on all of those who are now
standing at the gates of heaven
and then everyone else who was
around, when the fact is all of
the blame for bad decisions that
I have every made in my life are
never anybody’s else’s and where
we end up whether it be dead,
in jail, on the streets, no family,
no friends, all alone, an addict,
who is lying, stealing, while crying
must stand up take all blame
themselves and only then can
you be truly free to even get
close to begin a chance to really
heal the darkness that lives inside
of all of us like I am doing now for
everything that I am and all whom
I have become through all the hurt,
the angry, and the numb, can never
be placed on anyone else because
I am the leader of my life so I place
on the blame upon me, for I alone
must decide on my fate as I tire
of this life of darkness I alone must
find the strength and hope that
God has given to me in the past shall
I swim or let go.
I try hard to tread water as I am
paralyzed with fear of both the light
now and the dark when a fog of
indecision rolls in I am trembling
in the cold with a battered and
wounded soul, that has fought
more than its share of battles with
no hope and much despair I feel so
damn numb with rejection of love
and needed attention that I fall
beneath the waves, then as l start
to see the light God himself appears
right there in front of me and he says
“I am here and I always will be for
when you opened up your heart and
reached up your hands to mine I will
live in you forever and shall never
leave, all the answers that you seek
will not be found in death my son
but in life and one day you will see.
You are soldier and one of mine, just
open your eyes and see, you already
gave your heart and soul to me,
you are not finished with your
work down here on earth yet, you
still have so very much more to
do, evil attacks you and everyone
around every single minute and
each and every hour, so please
keep fighting all that is evil no
matter big or small and even when
you feel that all hope is gone and
we have lost the war take a good look
inside for things are never what they
seem so wake up wake up and turn
all of your nightmares back into
dreams.

Poetry is a way for hearts to tell secrets to our souls, which shall live on forever through the ink of all of our poems.

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