Tears in the Rain

By LoverofWolves67 All Rights Reserved ©

Poetry / Other

Tears in the Rain

Death is immediate. Darkness completely cloaks me in its embrace.

I stand outside in the rain, waiting. Waiting to be wanted. Waiting for someone to tell me, “you don’t have to be afraid anymore.” Someone to just tell me, that I am beautiful, and loved. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me and tell me what I know isn’t true. I want you to mean it. I wait outside in the rain, hoping, waiting, for someone to love me.

I will love. But am I loved by others? Am I beautiful? You say yes, but I know you are lying. Just tell me the truth, and I will understand. I may cry into my pillow for weeks at a time, but I will understand, because, I know. I enjoy the rain. It hides my tears. Blends in with the raindrops that runs down my face. Racing down with my tears.

Tears of sadness. Tears of loneliness.

I’m drowning. Drowning in my own sorrow. My own loneliness. I hate myself. I’m scared. Always frightened of the future, but not the past, which I guess is a good thing. But I don’t want to be scared. I want to be fearless. Confident in my actions and in my words.

But I’m not. I will always be scared. I will always be ugly and dumb. I will never be loved.

I stood outside the building, that was filled with groups of laughter and happiness. Darkness overwhelms the atmosphere around me, with only the faint, but bright, lights inside of the school reflecting towards the outside by the rain droplets.

As I stared at all of the joyous expressions on everyone’s faces, I knew my own was nothing at all like theirs. I am depressed, but I did not show it, nor did the rain allow me to. The rain is my only friend. The rain hides my feelings in plain sight, and it understands completely how I feel. Because the rain is as much an outcast as I am. We understand each other. We help each other, as any friend would. But what would I know, as I’ve said to myself tons of times before, I’m an outcast, everyone hates me. No one likes me.

“No one likes you.”

“You’re ugly.”

“You’re annoying.”

Comments repeated over the years, ran through my mind, like a song, replaying in my head, over and over again. Repeating nonstop, tormenting me with its cruel, meaningful words.

I’ve given up. I’ve stopped trying. I don’t want to live anymore. Why?

Why do you want me to suffer? Why can’t I just, be myself without shedding a million tears!? Why doesn’t anyone like me? Why am I not loved?

I don’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve loving friends. I don’t deserve anyone’s love.

Just let me die. Don’t let me suffer in pain, let me leave, leave, and never come back.

I stood there in the rain. Crying, silently, unmoving. I smiled one more time, and reached my hand to my right side, and grasped a hold of a small handle the size of my hand.

I brought up a .44 magnum, and lifted it to the side of my head, just a couple of inches above my right ear.

I whispered, “Goodbye” in a soft, delicate tone, and allowing my tears to fall freely down my cheeks, I closed my eyes, and then, without any hesitation, pulled the trigger.

Death is immediate. Darkness completely cloaks me in its embrace.

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