“Excerpt from X.”
“My lungs begin to burn and my vision becomes distorted. My mind runs nearly blank and my life begins to flash before my eyes, forcing me to relive every moment I was running from: My mother laid still on the hospital bed, peaceful, lifeless, and smiling. I wanted to say that her death was hard on me by it wasn’t. Somewhere along the line I started to hate her. She never really did love me either so I guess it was only fair that I hated her. See, my mother was selfish and sick -ironically enough, both mentally and physically- and she never let me be happy with anything. When she was younger she had lost her father so she took it upon herself to make sure I didn’t have one either. I mean, he was there but he never let himself love me like he loved her because she used her father’s death to manipulate him. Maybe if I had said something before she died then he wouldn’t have become a monster.
An empty bottle hits the wall, shattering into hundreds of scattered fragments. Dad was having another episode. He usually got aggressive when he was drunk and unfortunately for me he was always drunk. I was 13 when my mother died and I dealt with his abuse for 5 years before I was free. I don’t think I’ll ever regret killing him. I just regret letting things go so far that I had to.
Next, my memories take me to you. I met you two years before that night. I never told you how much I loved you. I’m sorry for letting you go. I’m sorry I didn’t love you when you were right in front of me. Every thought I had was consumed by your image but I couldn’t show you. We fell in love in the blossoming spring but as the years went by you grew weary of waiting for a door that never existed to open and hence the cold winter took you with it. “
“Another excerpt from X.”
“Sometimes there is a certain feeling of emptiness in someone, it’s the type of sadness that haunts someone when they can’t sleep at 2AM. It is the moment when their mind stops, it's usual stream of useless thoughts and it fills them with silence, the moments where they’ve wandered far too deep into the waters to be saved. Although in their defense, you only ever went as far as the shallows. The presence of false comfort and the facade of concern were the only things they could get out of you. But was it enough? At a certain age, I began to realize that in life you are bound to be hurt by others, by yourself, by everything. When things began I thought that there wasn’t gonna be an end, that somehow we’d last forever and that nothing would be wrong. They say that sometimes it is ok to be wrong but tonight I am sorry because I was wrong and it wasn’t ok and I never meant to hurt you, but I did and I wish I hadn’t. You never hid it either, the way you felt, your concern about us. I wonder now if we were all wrong or if we were enough in the end? Tonight and every night that will follow, you are the emptiness that will haunt me and at 2 AM, in the midst of my sorrows and pain, I will let my mind wander back to what had happened between us.”
I’m sorry I don’t take the time to call or visit you. My weeks are just too busy and I can never find the time to talk.
It’s the first Sunday I’ve got free in a long time and its raining.