In My Feelings.
I told myself that I didn’t want to love anyone else. I told myself that if I couldn’t have you, if we didn’t work out that I didn’t want anyone else. Because no one else could ever build up to what we have. Or should I say had? Is it “had” now? Are we finally at that stage where we can say that everything we built, our connection, our chemistry, our bond, the intimacy, the love, the vibe, the passion, the tolerance for one another, the time we’ve invested, the energy we put in, and even the feelings we allowed to grow and manifest into something so memorable is all just something we once “had”?
So now what? What will you say when you can’t say anything else but lies about the love that we once had. The most passionate connection and sexual preference for your only desire. Only to now have that sparkle in your eye for this mediocre admiration of what you don’t mind settling for.
So I did it.
Because I’m an idiot that’s why…
Or maybe I’m just
Because I’m not.
I’m not still in love with him
Because I can’t be? Or because he isn’t?
….Or is he?
Is he even still in love or to make things simpler, to give him some leeway (as I always do) … is he even in like with me?
But he replied. And I still have yet to say ANYTHING to him.
I mean its one thing to text him and try to make even the slightest attempt to hold a mediocre conversation but to CALL him?! I mean that’s basically screaming “LOVE ME!” from a three-story window… isn’t it?
Or maybe I’m just in over my head, maybe this was just one of those things I did because I was having memories flash all through my head and I’m trying to someway, somehow bring them back to life….
He texted me. I answered. He replied. I mean that’s gotta stand for something right? I mean his text was a bit hostile and out of the proper context I was expecting but he didn’t ignore the call and just pretend he didn’t get it… that’s gotta count for something, right.
What were you thinking?
He doesn’t love you anymore.
For crying out loud, he is in TWO relationships and is still talking and flirting with multiple girls outside the two. Woah.
He can’t be faithfully committed to one woman, let alone YOU, even if his mother’s life depended on it.
Let. Him. Go.
…and still I love him
I have faith in him.
I feel like I know him because ….
( I don’t know )
Well I think I do.
Or maybe I just want to as much as I believe that I do. Because it’ll give me some type of validation to love the enemy of my heart.
You know what hurts the most about being confused by love…
You never really know if you’re confused by the truth of who someone is because they’ve showed you what you accepted to be the real them, or if you’re confused by the truth of who they are becoming that they want you to accept. Because either way… they’re changing. But because we’re humans and can’t predict the future… all we can do is wait on their transformation…
So of course out of all living things that I want to have the decision be in my hand for, God allows this to be the choice that is up to me… do I wait for someone that doesn’t plan on changing who he is for anyone? Or do I let go because he has finally grown into the person he wants to be and no amount of love can change him?
But there is a 3rd option…
Do I love him?
Do I just be honest in my love and just love him
One of the most strongest things that humans can’t control, is now my biggest conflict in life itself.
And yet, I still freaking love him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah… cry me a river, why don’t you?
Or don’t you?