Lifeline

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How Do I Explain?

How do I explain utter silence
that's filled with noise?
That's what I hear,
walking through the crowds
in the halls.
How do I explain my heart
straining to beat effortlessly?
From the moment I'm conscious,
to the moment my brain shuts off,
it strains and strains.
How do I explain the flutter in my chest
whenever his name lights up my phone,
when I still miss the first boy I loved?
How do I explain the stabs of pain
even when I feel as light as air?
How do I explain that his smile
makes the stars align,
when I know we'll never work?
How do I explain how much
I want to forget the things
I long to remember?
How do I explain that,
behind my strength,
is a small, broken girl?
I want to be able
to make these things known.
I like a boy, but my heart is still raw.
I like liking him; it feels new,
despite the fact that we'd never work.
How do I explain my fear?
I'm afraid of loving,
and of trusting.
How do I explain, that, despite this,
I long to love and trust?
How do I explain
that I want to be touched
all the time?
That I long physical contact,
that when I am with someone,
I want to touch them?
How do I explain that
one smile from one stranger
sends me reeling?
Little acts of kindness and friendship
break me.
And they build me up.
How do I explain
that little acts of cruelty
and selfishness
and insensitivity
Can make me doubt everything?
How do I explain
how much I love so many people,
yet I love no one?
I just want to be able
to throw all this up and
get it out of me.
How do I explain
that I have enough feelings
to last everyone in the world
until the end of time?
How do I explain that I feel like
it's a curse to feel?
How do I explain how much
I long to be someone's best friend?
How do I explain
that every
single
cell
in my body
yearns
to be loved,
something I've never felt before?
How do I explain
that even when I'm with
all the people I care for,
I'm still the loneliest person on earth?
It's like I'm locked in a dark room
and I can't see outside,
but I can hear them all,
and I long to join them.
I just want to be touched,
to be loved,
to be appreciated.
I want to be the reason
for someone's happiness.
I want to be the person
that my friends go to
when they're breaking.
I want to be the person
that someone waits for.
How do I explain that?

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