Nueve /// Why can’t you love me?
I want to go back
So far back I think was three or four
And I'll try to go from there
I hope this one isn't too long
And I hope I don't hold anger against him
Because this was all in the past
And he's human
We make mistakes?
Am I trying to justify what I went through?
So the first few incidents I can remember
Were around that time
You and mom had been fighting
You had been cheating
And this was around the time where you were heavily
So if I remember right
My older brother and sister were at school
I was the youngest at the time
You guys had been arguing
I think it was about money
And those women
You hit my mom.
I was four
Why was my dad hitting my mom?
Wasn't he suppose to protect her?
Protect us all?
I was scared
I was crying
You had her pinned to the wall
By her neck.
I kept pulling at you
Hitting you so you could stop.
This isn't how families are supposed to act?
Did other families see and do this?
Was it wrong?
Yes it was
And forever will something like this be wrong
I felt so so so small
So I can't explain it this feeling is so scary
I'm so sorry nadia
I really am
As a kid
Well before this
I was really attached to my mom
After these things happened
I'd cry constantly if I wasn't with her
She'll be safe if I'm there with her!
I'll take care of her.
Better than anyone.
Don't worry mom I love you and I'll do all I can
After this incident my dad took me
I didn't want to go
My mom was crying
She was with her step mom
'She'll be okay, let's go. '
We were in the street
He was pulling me
I didn't want to go
I was crying for my mom
My brother and sisters school was just down the street
Soon after my dad and mom
They sold the house and Now we were living in a different place
We had to go back and fourth
From the new house
And my dads moms house
You see my mom and my dads family never really got along
So we hardly seen them
So imagine having to stay with your dad
Who just before this was hitting your mom
And with these people you don't even know
If your thinking
Yes I'd cry
All day long
I never ran out of tears
No one would bother me
I'd just sit and cry
If i think Back it's like I can see myself
In a corner just Crying
Remembering constantly what'd I'd seen
Not once but multiple times
I just want to hug her
Hug that little girl
Who so badly needed it
Poor little Nadia
Im sorry Nadia, I'm sorry no one understood you.
I'm sorry you went through all this.
I promise with the boys I'm trying my hardest
I'm trying so they don't have to feel
Or go through anything you ever did.
I promise you Nadia.
but this was just the start
I had started kindergarten
And they'd both take me Separately
On different days
I'd cry when they'd leave
They'd call you guys.
I'd cry so much id get sick to my stomach
I don't really know the timeline but they got back together
And we moved
I met this girl Arlene
She was my first girl crush
I was in kindergarten and it went on until first.
For my sixth birthday you guys got me a puppy
Her name was Coco
She died years after
She was mine
I loved her so much.
So my mom was pregnant at the time
One day my teacher told me to give you guys a letter
You guys didn't read it
It was for student of the month
So when the day comes around
And they call me
Give me treats and a congratulations
They say go ahead and sit outside with your parents
Where were you guys?
You didn't come?
I sat down and ate my cupcake
I sat really close to this family
I wanted to feel the love
I wanted it to be you
You and mom
My sister ended up coming and sitting with me
I was crying
'It's okay Nani'
We got home and I was so defeated
Kristal told you
'Oh sorry nadia'
A couple months after my little sister was born
So the little attention and affection we ever received
At six years old.
And maybe even before that
I Realized I skipped something
Remember that birthday I mentioned
Well that was days after, when I got the dog
But on my birthday
My mom carried me to the car
Along with my siblings
It was late at night
And we drove to Mandy's ranch
We had to go pick you up
Why were you gone so late?
Why didn't mom let you kiss us?
when after hours of looking for you
And my moms endless honks
You finally stumbled out of a empty trailer?
You see I didn't realize it then
Of course how would I have
Its because you were using.
On my birthday you were using
It was late and we were kids
You guys argued
You turned around and said
'I'm sorry guys it was just too easy'
I was trying to sleep in the back
I don't really remember anything from when I was
Seven or eight
Maybe it's because I push it back
To a place in my mind where I 'forget it'
Maybe it's because I say I don't remember
But really I do.
Maybe I remember
When we were living in a separate house
On my amas property
So one day when our aunt was there we
Went into the main house
To be with her and hang out
Maybe I remember when I walked back before
I saw you choking my mom
I turned around and my aunt and her daughter were leaving already
'Yeah what's wrong?'
My brother and sister seen too
'Bye see you later'
So you left
My dad ended up walking out
My mom was ripping his clothes?
I ask this now after all this has happened
In who's eyes
In who's viewing of any of this
Would it be deemed justifiable
Would exposing your children to this be okay?
I SAID TELL ME DAMMIT
Why would this be okay?
And still after all these years I had still cried when I wasn't with my mom
I had to see a therapist
They said it was just Separation Anxiety
I would get so wound up
I'd throw up,
I'd chew the inside of my mouth
I'd get mouth sores from the stress
I wouldn't sleep
Those were just things I can remember off the top of my head
My father would on and off be using
Just the Same things over and over
He would never be there for
For New Years
Hardly ever on day to day basis
I don't really remember fun things
I try and try
But all I remember is pain
I try so hard to remember him but he was never there
We never went to the movies
Not to the park or anything
'Normal families do'
They never went to parent teacher conferences
Never helped with projects
We moved again and again
You guys would just be
Well as we got older
I still really hadn't received affection
No I love you's
No real attention
Hardly seen you guys
And when I hit 11
I once took candy Cigarettes to school
And was selling them
For a trip to San Francisco
They called my grandma
I don't think you guys hit me
The next year
I took a sports bottle
Full of Wine
You guys asked me
If I did I said no
The bottle was empty
Just a few drops
I said it was just a concoction I'd make to lose weight
Because you guys kept telling me I was overweight
When I wasn't
I think back and I wasn't.
You guys instilled the thought of me being fat
I believed it
I mean aren't your parents supposed to love you?
Well I don't really know if mine did
So this was the start of my eating disorders
I told you guys in the car it was wine
When we got home
You guys demanded I bring the wine bottle
The one I used
You guys started hitting me
Giving me my punishment
My mom was punching me in the face
Jerking my head back into the dresser
You guys said they could call
Child protective services
I was sobbing
My body ached
I sat there dizzy my head throbbed
We had to go to the police station
I confessed before the officer came
He just lectured me
They all did
Oh really you guys are here now
Telling me it was wrong
Where were you all the other times I needed you?
every other day
Every moment I needed you
Where were you?
You guys were only there to give punishments
Well guess what that's not the only thing parents are supposed to do
To give their kids
A few months passed
And this was around the time I had first started self harming
So we were going to the fair
It was February
I was eleven
I was helping you put the flea collar on the cats
My cat at the time, Charlie
Had scratched me
The angle I was holding her when she did
Was straight across my wrist
I still have the scar
So I cleaned and dried it
Put some more bracelets on
And later on my brother commented
In front of everyone
Asking if I was emo And cutting myself
First of all
That's so rude and disrespectful
You're disgusting stop
I said it was the cat
You said yeah you remember it happening
You guys were only there if we were injured or needed
A fucking punishment
Why were you never there for me?
For any of your children
I needed you.
I needed you so bad
You'd promise us things
And you never lived up to it
Never did it.
Why couldn't you just try harder
Why couldn't you be what I needed so badly
Please tell me why
Tell me dad
Was it me? What did I do to make you not want to be with me?
Was I too clingy?
Was I not good enough?
Were your friends better company than I ever could be?
Was the cocaine high a better feeling than spending time with me?
I never asked for too much
Just for you to be there
Something that costed nothing
I feel the ones who hurt me most I just want to know why
I need to know their reasoning
Why I was never good enough
What did I do to them?
I'm thinking back to all these times
And I know she needed a hug
I know she needed someone
She needed you
You disappointed her everytime
I'm sorry nadia I'm so sorry
I mean the little scared girl
The one who so desperately needed someone
I'm so sorry love
Just know I love you
I love you
And I hope that means everything.
I hope you know I try so hard for you
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed
My head just says to let go
Just let go
You'll be at peace
It'll be okay
But I'm holding on for you
I know you don't want to go little Nadia
So I'll stay.
I don't remember much other than punishments
And that's sad to admit
That I don't remember you dad
Not in the way A kid needs
I remember you guys making fun of me
Calling me names
Calling me fat
Bringing me down
Bit by bit
Day by day
Taking from me
Stealing the light in my eyes
You didn't know me at all
For my fifteenth birthday
I didn't want a party I just wanted you to be there for me
I wanted you to want to be there with me
When Esequiel told me you were at his house
For his aunt
I was so mad
My mom was mad too
Remember the Quince?
Well he had just bought a new wallet, boots and belt
Really expensive things
I was so mad
There was white paint on the table
By your little plants
I was so mad
Why weren't your ever there for me?
I just wanted you to be with me
But your friends
Always came before us
Sometimes I just wish you were here
I mean you should've been there for me
You should've Been there for us
What can I change now?
Nothing I can't go back to those times
I can't physically hug myself
And it mean or feel like i needed
Feel like if you did it
So when I got the paint opened
I sunk your belt into it
It was white
The once rich material
Was tainted with paint
I rubbed your boots
Both of them
I put your wallet in
I placed them on the table
So you could see
When you got home you were mad
You were never there for me
You never cared
You never wanted to be there for me
Always made me feel bad
Always hurt my feelings
Called me things that broke me down
I said no more
No more to pain
I won't let it hurt me
I'm going to start to do the Same to you
I stopped talking to you
Even before this
But I thought you would at least try
I think I was thirteen when I first started this
And now I just stopped
Stopped cooking for you
Washing your clothes
I didn't want to have anything to do with you
All you brought was pain
You were the first man to break my heart
You broke me
All I wanted was love
And you gave the opposite
You broke my heart so many times
I needed the real thing
My real dad
And you weren't there.
I held so much pain
So much anger
Every time I'd ignore you
I was breaking more of myself
I wanted so badly to hate you
But I never could
I love you dad
Even if I was never enough
Even if you never wanted to be with me
Even with my past and what you did to me
I love you dad.
I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you
Enough to make you want to be with me
I'm sorry I never could fit or touch any of your standards
I gave all of me
I prayed and did all I could.
I love you dad
I'm trying to forget it all
Trying to forgive you
With every piece of me I'm trying.
As a kid your parents had left you
With your aunt to go work
You and your older sister and younger brother
And they took your two younger sisters
And left you guys
I'm sorry dad
But wouldn't you want to try so hard so yours never felt this way?
Wouldn't you want that for them?
Or it didn't even matter
Why couldn't you try hard enough
So I could never even come close to feeling like you did
But you didn't
I felt so alone
For so long
I wish you were here
Were there when I needed
To hug and be all i needed.
Your friends and the cocaine
Got you right?
Got all of you
It was so easy for those things
But never us
We were never easy enough
It was never easy to come home to be with your kids
I know for a fact nadia needed you
I fucking needed you so desperately dad
I dont get it dad
And that's fine.
I don't know what I'm saying goodbye to but I need to say goodbye to the past
To my previous pains
It's okay nadia you'll be okay my love.
I was nothing but a kid who couldn't understand it.
And now you even laugh about it
I was never there for you guys
So fucking funny
You made a song about it
'I'm a dead beat dad'
So go ahead repeat it over and over
laugh it up
Go fucking right ahead
You'd say it even to your friends
I blamed you for mine and Esequiel's ending
and even our meeting
You're the one who wanted to move
And still you couldn't even ask what we wanted
If we wouldn't have moved then
I would still be with him
And our love could've been stronger than ever.
Is that what I want?
I don't know
He would use cocaine too
So would that have ended well?
I would live the Same life my mom did
Oh he could've changed
Either way what's done is done
But I know i would've never met any of the good people I know today
If nothing changed
If I didn't change
So I'll live with what life has Thrown at me
Why could you never love me?
Why was I never good enough?
Why couldn't you just be there for me?
To love me
I left a lot out I couldn't stop crying
There are chunks and times that i skipped over
Thinking back hurts so much
I'm sorry I was never enough for them
I felt so hallow so alone.
I can't explain some of it
As in depth as I want to
And that bothers me
But I'm trying.
Goodbye daddy I love you