A Series Of Goodbyes

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Nueve /// Why can’t you love me?

Father

I want to go back

So far back I think was three or four

And I'll try to go from there

I hope this one isn't too long

And I hope I don't hold anger against him

Because this was all in the past

And he's human

We make mistakes?

Am I trying to justify what I went through?

So the first few incidents I can remember

Were around that time

You and mom had been fighting

You had been cheating

And this was around the time where you were heavily

Using Cocaine

So if I remember right

My older brother and sister were at school

I was the youngest at the time

You guys had been arguing

I think it was about money

And those women

You hit my mom.

Repeatedly

I was four

Why was my dad hitting my mom?

Wasn't he suppose to protect her?

Protect us all?

I was scared

I was crying

Screaming

You had her pinned to the wall

By her neck.

I kept pulling at you

Hitting you so you could stop.

This isn't how families are supposed to act?

Did other families see and do this?

Was it wrong?

Yes it was

And forever will something like this be wrong

I felt so so so small

So powerless

So scared

So I can't explain it this feeling is so scary

I'm so sorry nadia

I really am

As a kid

Well before this

I was really attached to my mom

After these things happened

I'd cry constantly if I wasn't with her

She'll be safe if I'm there with her!

I'll take care of her.

Better than anyone.

Don't worry mom I love you and I'll do all I can

I promise

After this incident my dad took me

I didn't want to go

My mom was crying

She was with her step mom

'She'll be okay, let's go. '

We were in the street

He was pulling me

I didn't want to go

I was crying for my mom

My brother and sisters school was just down the street

Soon after my dad and mom

Divorced.

They sold the house and Now we were living in a different place

We had to go back and fourth

From the new house

And my dads moms house

You see my mom and my dads family never really got along

So we hardly seen them

So imagine having to stay with your dad

Who just before this was hitting your mom

And with these people you don't even know

If your thinking

Yes I'd cry

All day long

I never ran out of tears

No one would bother me

I'd just sit and cry

If i think Back it's like I can see myself

Sitting there

In a corner just Crying

Remembering constantly what'd I'd seen

Not once but multiple times

I just want to hug her

Hug that little girl

Who so badly needed it

Poor little Nadia

Im sorry Nadia, I'm sorry no one understood you.

I'm sorry you went through all this.

I promise with the boys I'm trying my hardest

I'm trying so they don't have to feel

Or go through anything you ever did.

I promise you Nadia.

but this was just the start

I had started kindergarten

And they'd both take me Separately

On different days

I'd cry when they'd leave

All day.

They'd call you guys.

I'd cry so much id get sick to my stomach

I don't really know the timeline but they got back together

And we moved

I met this girl Arlene

She was my first girl crush

I was in kindergarten and it went on until first.

For my sixth birthday you guys got me a puppy

Her name was Coco

She died years after

She was mine

I loved her so much.

So my mom was pregnant at the time

One day my teacher told me to give you guys a letter

I did

You guys didn't read it

It was for student of the month

So when the day comes around

And they call me

Give me treats and a congratulations

They say go ahead and sit outside with your parents

Where were you guys?

You didn't come?

I sat down and ate my cupcake

I sat really close to this family

I wanted to feel the love

I wanted it to be you

You and mom

My sister ended up coming and sitting with me

I was crying

'It's okay Nani'

We got home and I was so defeated

And hurt

Kristal told you

'Oh sorry nadia'

A couple months after my little sister was born

So the little attention and affection we ever received

Just stopped

Like that

At six years old.

And maybe even before that

I Realized I skipped something

Remember that birthday I mentioned

Well that was days after, when I got the dog

But on my birthday

My mom carried me to the car

Along with my siblings

It was late at night

Really late

And we drove to Mandy's ranch

We had to go pick you up

Why dad?

Why were you gone so late?

Why didn't mom let you kiss us?

when after hours of looking for you

And my moms endless honks

You finally stumbled out of a empty trailer?

You see I didn't realize it then

Of course how would I have

But

Its because you were using.

On my birthday you were using

Fucking cocaine.

It was late and we were kids

You guys argued

You turned around and said

'I'm sorry guys it was just too easy'

I was trying to sleep in the back

I don't really remember anything from when I was

Seven or eight

Maybe it's because I push it back

To a place in my mind where I 'forget it'

Maybe it's because I say I don't remember

But really I do.

Maybe I remember

When we were living in a separate house

On my amas property

So one day when our aunt was there we

Went into the main house

To be with her and hang out

Maybe I remember when I walked back before

Everyone else

I saw you choking my mom

Again.

I screamed

I turned around and my aunt and her daughter were leaving already

'TIA'

'Yeah what's wrong?'

My brother and sister seen too

'Nothings wrong'

'Bye see you later'

So you left

My dad ended up walking out

My mom was ripping his clothes?

I ask this now after all this has happened

After years

In who's eyes

In who's viewing of any of this

Would it be deemed justifiable

Would exposing your children to this be okay?

Tell me

I SAID TELL ME DAMMIT

Why would this be okay?

And still after all these years I had still cried when I wasn't with my mom

I had to see a therapist

They said it was just Separation Anxiety

I would get so wound up

I'd throw up,

I'd shake,

I'd cry

I'd chew the inside of my mouth

I'd get mouth sores from the stress

I wouldn't sleep

Those were just things I can remember off the top of my head

My father would on and off be using

Just the Same things over and over

He would never be there for

Thanksgiving

For Christmas

For New Years

Our Birthdays

Hardly ever on day to day basis

I don't really remember fun things

I try and try

But all I remember is pain

Were punishments

I try so hard to remember him but he was never there

We never went to the movies

Not to the park or anything

'Normal families do'

They never went to parent teacher conferences

Never helped with projects

Homework

Anything.

We moved again and again

You guys would just be

Well as we got older

I still really hadn't received affection

No hugs

No I love you's

No real attention

Hardly seen you guys

And when I hit 11

I once took candy Cigarettes to school

And was selling them

For a trip to San Francisco

They called my grandma

I don't think you guys hit me

The next year

I took a sports bottle

Full of Wine

To school

Someone told

You guys asked me

If I did I said no

The bottle was empty

Just a few drops

I said it was just a concoction I'd make to lose weight

Because you guys kept telling me I was overweight

When I wasn't

I think back and I wasn't.

You guys instilled the thought of me being fat

So much

Constantly

I believed it

I mean aren't your parents supposed to love you?

Well I don't really know if mine did

So this was the start of my eating disorders

I told you guys in the car it was wine

When we got home

You guys demanded I bring the wine bottle

The one I used

You guys started hitting me

Giving me my punishment

My mom was punching me in the face

Slapping me

Jerking my head back into the dresser

You guys said they could call

Child protective services

I was sobbing

My body ached

I sat there dizzy my head throbbed

We had to go to the police station

I confessed before the officer came

He just lectured me

They all did

Oh really you guys are here now

Telling me it was wrong

Where were you all the other times I needed you?

every other day

Every moment I needed you

Where were you?

You guys were only there to give punishments

Well guess what that's not the only thing parents are supposed to do

To give their kids

A few months passed

And this was around the time I had first started self harming

So we were going to the fair

It was February

I was eleven

I was helping you put the flea collar on the cats

And dogs

My cat at the time, Charlie

Had scratched me

The angle I was holding her when she did

Was straight across my wrist

I still have the scar

So I cleaned and dried it

Put some more bracelets on

And later on my brother commented

In front of everyone

Asking if I was emo And cutting myself

First of all

That's so rude and disrespectful

You're disgusting stop

I said it was the cat

You said yeah you remember it happening

You guys were only there if we were injured or needed

A fucking punishment

Why were you never there for me?

For any of your children

I needed you.

I needed you so bad

You'd promise us things

Small things

And you never lived up to it

Never did it.

Why couldn't you just try harder

Why couldn't you be what I needed so badly

Growing up

Why?

Why?

Please tell me why

Tell me dad

Was it me? What did I do to make you not want to be with me?

Was I too clingy?

Was I not good enough?

Were your friends better company than I ever could be?

Was the cocaine high a better feeling than spending time with me?

I never asked for too much

Just for you to be there

Something that costed nothing

So why?

I feel the ones who hurt me most I just want to know why

I need to know their reasoning

Why I was never good enough

What did I do to them?

I'm thinking back to all these times

And I know she needed a hug

I know she needed someone

So badly

She needed you

You disappointed her everytime

I'm sorry nadia I'm so sorry

I mean the little scared girl

The one who so desperately needed someone

I'm so sorry love

Just know I love you

I love you

And I hope that means everything.

I hope you know I try so hard for you

Everyday

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed

My head just says to let go

Just let go

You'll be at peace

It'll be okay

But I'm holding on for you

I know you don't want to go little Nadia

So I'll stay.

I don't remember much other than punishments

And that's sad to admit

That I don't remember you dad

Not in the way A kid needs

I remember you guys making fun of me

Calling me names

Calling me fat

Bringing me down

Bit by bit

Day by day

Taking from me

Stealing the light in my eyes

You didn't know me at all

For my fifteenth birthday

I didn't want a party I just wanted you to be there for me

I wanted you to want to be there with me

When Esequiel told me you were at his house

For his aunt

I was so mad

My mom was mad too

Remember the Quince?

Well he had just bought a new wallet, boots and belt

Really expensive things

I was so mad

There was white paint on the table

By your little plants

Outside

I was so mad

So hurt

Why weren't your ever there for me?

I just wanted you to be with me

But your friends

The cocaine

Always came before us

Before me

Sometimes I just wish you were here

I mean you should've been there for me

You should've Been there for us

What can I change now?

Nothing I can't go back to those times

I can't physically hug myself

And it mean or feel like i needed

Feel like if you did it

So when I got the paint opened

I sunk your belt into it

It was white

The once rich material

Was tainted with paint

I rubbed your boots

Both of them

I put your wallet in

I placed them on the table

So you could see

When you got home you were mad

Good

You were never there for me

You never cared

You never wanted to be there for me

Always made me feel bad

Always hurt my feelings

Called me things that broke me down

I said no more

No more to pain

I won't let it hurt me

I'm going to start to do the Same to you

I stopped talking to you

Even before this

But I thought you would at least try

I think I was thirteen when I first started this

And now I just stopped

Stopped cooking for you

Washing your clothes

Everything

I didn't want to have anything to do with you

All you brought was pain

You were the first man to break my heart

You broke me

All I wanted was love

And you gave the opposite

You broke my heart so many times

Everyday almost.

I needed the real thing

My real dad

And you weren't there.

I held so much pain

So much anger

Every time I'd ignore you

I was breaking more of myself

I wanted so badly to hate you

But I never could

I love you dad

Even if I was never enough

Even if you never wanted to be with me

Even with my past and what you did to me

I love you dad.

I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you

Enough to make you want to be with me

Pretty enough

Skinny enough

I'm sorry I never could fit or touch any of your standards

I tried

I gave all of me

I prayed and did all I could.

I love you dad

I'm trying to forget it all

Trying to forgive you

With every piece of me I'm trying.

As a kid your parents had left you

With your aunt to go work

For years

You and your older sister and younger brother

And they took your two younger sisters

And left you guys

I'm sorry dad

But wouldn't you want to try so hard so yours never felt this way?

That emptiness

That neglect?

Wouldn't you want that for them?

Or it didn't even matter

Why couldn't you try hard enough

So I could never even come close to feeling like you did

But you didn't

I felt so alone

So abandoned

So worthless

For so long

For years.

I wish you were here

Were there when I needed

To hug and be all i needed.

Your friends and the cocaine

Got you right?

Got all of you

It was so easy for those things

But never us

We were never easy enough

It was never easy to come home to be with your kids

I know for a fact nadia needed you

I fucking needed you so desperately dad

I dont get it dad

And that's fine.

Goodbye.

I don't know what I'm saying goodbye to but I need to say goodbye to the past

To my previous pains

It's okay nadia you'll be okay my love.

I was nothing but a kid who couldn't understand it.

And now you even laugh about it

I was never there for you guys

So fucking funny

You made a song about it

'I'm a dead beat dad'

So go ahead repeat it over and over

Sing it.

laugh it up

Go fucking right ahead

You'd say it even to your friends

I blamed you for mine and Esequiel's ending

and even our meeting

You're the one who wanted to move

For money

And still you couldn't even ask what we wanted

If we wouldn't have moved then

I would still be with him

And our love could've been stronger than ever.

Is that what I want?

I don't know

He would use cocaine too

So would that have ended well?

I would live the Same life my mom did

Oh he could've changed

Either way what's done is done

But I know i would've never met any of the good people I know today

If nothing changed

If I didn't change

So I'll live with what life has Thrown at me

Why could you never love me?

Why was I never good enough?

Why couldn't you just be there for me?

To love me

3065 words

I left a lot out I couldn't stop crying

There are chunks and times that i skipped over

Thinking back hurts so much

So badly

I'm sorry I was never enough for them

I felt so hallow so alone.

I can't explain some of it

As in depth as I want to

And that bothers me

But I'm trying.

Goodbye daddy I love you

-Nadia

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