A Series Of Goodbyes

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Diez/// All I needed was you

So in the next few Goodbyes

You'll grow to know a lot of me.

Know why I do or say things the way i do

Why my head works as it does.

What I feared

You'll learn all of me.

I think in these Goodbyes I'll be my most vulnerable

Real self.

Granted I fear talking of these,

I want to tell my whole story

Maybe you're a stranger

Maybe you're a friend

Who ever you are reading this

You'll know all of me

And it scares me

But I'm strong enough to say that's fine

You can know all of me

You can know my past

But if you don't know me now

What power would you have over me?

None.

I am not the same Nadia I was then

And you having this said knowledge of me is just that

Just knowing what I endured

And that's fine

I know what I'm worth now.

I value myself and my own opinion

Of life and of myself

It takes a lot for me to value someone's opinion

Someone's advice.

So if I let you in now

And I can talk to you on a level I don't others

You're one of the few.

Just know I Respect you.

I'll try and go in chronological order

I'll try and go as deep as I can

And I'll try and be my most authentic self.

Get comfortable

We're in for a long

Detailed version of things I felt and went through

One day when I was four years young

I wanted to sit with my mom

And watch her

Admire her.

She was doing her makeup

I wanted to see and touch everything she did

I wanted to grow up and be just like her

I wanted to learn how to do all this.

This went on for a few minutes

Until she yelled at me to leave

But I didn't want to go and be alone

So I just stayed

She kept telling me to go

I just sat back

I was scared of that house.

So soon after she raised her arm high

And brought it back down

Then struck me,

She Slapped me, the spot she hit was my arm

I was four

Just wanting to watch.

I remember the welt

It was her handprint

I stumbled back

And started to cry

So she hit me for crying

She pushed me to my dad

He was on their bed asleep

'Vanessa why would you hit her?'

You see my mom was never wrong

She could never be wrong

And if you said she was there'd be hell to pay.

I remember she walked back and later returned

'Nadia who hit you?'

'Was it dad?'

'Did your dad hit you'

'N-no no it was y-you mom'

'Nadia who hit you?'

I'd think who hit me

Did I want mom to be mad at me?

'Are you sure I did it?'

'No Nadia it was dad who it you'

'Vanessa stop, leave her alone.'

'Don't try and confuse her I was asleep'

'Your dad hit you not me Nadia.'

I ask this after all this time

Why would you hurt someone

Who's only intention

Was to only ever love and care For you?

Who only had pure intentions.

An innocent little girl

Who You manipulated

You hurt

You scarred.

Who only ever tried to please and show you how much she loved you.

Why would you do that?

Why would you break that little girl?

Mom all I ever needed was for you to love me

To understand me

Or to just try.

Was that too much to ask of you?

Around that time,

During the time we lived in that same house

You taught us to hate everyone you did

For reasons we never knew

But you constantly said things

So we would dislike them

'They did this to your mom'

And your okay with that?

How can you be okay with that

They hurt your mom

You can't like them.

Or you're wrong nadia and you're a very bad girl

My dads sisters were some of these people she taught us to hate

Because they had problems

So we never got to see our cousins

Couldn't talk to them

Anything.

Your reasoning was something that happened before I was born.

That's wrong

That's wrong of you to teach your young children

To hate

Rather than love

Rather than to forgive.

hold onto it and use it against them

Remember the memory I shared

In my fathers Goodbye?

Where he was hitting her

When they were arguing about the drugs and women?

That happened a little after all this

So when they spilt my mom already had a boyfriend

And so did my dad?

Were they cheating on eachother?

And they just wanted to be with other people?

I won't ever know.

But when we moved to her new house

He would go over, her boyfriend

His name was Luis

He would sleep over

Where was my dad?

Who is he?

Why is he kissing mom?

All these questions at the time weren't answered

One night I remember I had this dream

We were at my grandmas house

And I walked into the first room

He was there with you

In bed you guys were kissing

You asked me if I wanted him to be my new daddy

I remember shaking my head

'N-no i already have a daddy'

'What are you talking about? Luis is your daddy'

I tried to remember my dads real name it was something

With a R but I Couldn't remember

'Wait no I have a different daddy! And he's my real one! He's not my dad!'

You said I had to call him dad because that's what he was

I was so confused.

I was always so confused as a kid

I woke up and Luis was sleeping next to mom.

Is he my dad?

Where Is my dad?

The one who took me to the park that one time?

The one who gave mom the bruises?

A few days later it was my fathers visiting days

So I told him about the dream

I don't remember what happened after that moment

But I was asleep next to dad and I didn't feel well

So I threw up

He cleaned it up.

I fell asleep again

I heard a girl talking

Is my mom here?

So I walked out of the room

When did Kristal come to lay with me?

Where's dad?

So I walked to the living room

And my dad kissed a girl

And then she left

That's not mom?

Where is mom?

My dads days flew by and we went back with mom

'Mommy I missed you.'

'Don't ever call me that.'

'W-what?'

'Did you not hear me Nadia! I said don't fucking call me mommy. Did you fucking hear me now?'

My lip trembled

My throat felt tight

I curled into myself

She didn't miss me?

She doesn't love me like I love her?

She was happier when I was gone?

Let me tell you something nadia

'Your value doesn't decrease

Based on someone's inability to see

Your true worth.'

A few days later we went to the mall

She'd get mad for any little thing

If we walked too slow or too fast

If we talked

And If we were near her

She'd pinch us underneath our arms

It'd hurt and if we made any noise she'd do it harder

Or she'd take us to the bathroom and 'teach us a lesson'

It would bruise

And it hurt a lot.

We had to act like the mannequins on display at these stores

Still

And so very silent

So emotionless

I pretended they were people who their parents made them be silent

And they stayed so silent they were left there and forgotten

And when night came and no one returned they'd turn into a mannequin

Poor souls

I hoped I wouldn't turn into a mannequin

We had lunch and went home

My mom hardly ever let us hug or kiss her

She always acted like we disgusted her

Like we weren't worthy of touching her

So I grew with little knowledge of what true affection looked and felt like

So I'm sorry if I'm not the best at expressing myself now

I'm sorry if I lack things people shouldn't

I sorry if I pull away from your touch

My mother taught me not to

It's all I grew knowing

So please forgive me.

Please be patient with me I'm trying.

When I was six

This is when my mom first started dumping her motherly roles onto me and my siblings

I was six and I had to maintain the whole kitchen

While she did nothing

And there were prices to Pay if we didn't do our 'duties' or chores

We'd get things taken

Or whatever was deemed fitting for the situation

My mother used to tell me and my siblings

She never wanted to have us

We were mistakes

And that she knew for a fact she'd be happier without us.

She wished she had different children

And we were never good enough in her eyes.

Not skinny enough

Or pretty enough,

Smart enough

Just not enough.

In those moments she stole the light from my eyes

And blew out the candle for my soul.

I used to try and keep everyone happy,

But that sometimes meant

Not being happy myself.

So my mom used to make us be friends with her friends kids

And when we got close she'd cut them off

And do it again.

It sucked but what can I change now

She said something the other day

We were at the mall

And we passed by a Justice

She said 'remember when you guys were kids and always wanted shit from there? And I never took you guys.'

Like it was a joke

Yeah I get it was a stupid store and a stupid reason to be mad now

But she thinks that it was funny

I don't know it just bothers me

I don't want it to seem like I'm weak or easily offended but those things really did hurt me

All these things I talk about

It's because they've stuck with me over the years

Because they really broke me down.

I wouldn't mention these things if they didn't because believe me at some point they meant the world to me.

When you feel like you've lost your childhood self just remember

'the child version of us, is always in us. it's our fears, our pains, every "little" trigger we have, it's them. it's them reminding us that they're still there.'

A very wise Woman told me that.

But my love without the dark, we'd never see the stars.

I now know that I'm deserving of the most beautiful types of love and I won't ever settle for anything less ever again.

1885 words

This is My Series Of Goodbyes

It's getting easier to talk about

I sometimes have nightmares

Because I have to remember everything

And I think that's okay

I was pushing it away for too long.

I'm willing to go through it

To change

All for myself.

Goodbye

-Nadia

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