Diez/// All I needed was you
So in the next few Goodbyes
You'll grow to know a lot of me.
Know why I do or say things the way i do
Why my head works as it does.
What I feared
You'll learn all of me.
I think in these Goodbyes I'll be my most vulnerable
Granted I fear talking of these,
I want to tell my whole story
Maybe you're a stranger
Maybe you're a friend
Who ever you are reading this
You'll know all of me
And it scares me
But I'm strong enough to say that's fine
You can know all of me
You can know my past
But if you don't know me now
What power would you have over me?
I am not the same Nadia I was then
And you having this said knowledge of me is just that
Just knowing what I endured
And that's fine
I know what I'm worth now.
I value myself and my own opinion
Of life and of myself
It takes a lot for me to value someone's opinion
So if I let you in now
And I can talk to you on a level I don't others
You're one of the few.
Just know I Respect you.
I'll try and go in chronological order
I'll try and go as deep as I can
And I'll try and be my most authentic self.
We're in for a long
Detailed version of things I felt and went through
One day when I was four years young
I wanted to sit with my mom
And watch her
She was doing her makeup
I wanted to see and touch everything she did
I wanted to grow up and be just like her
I wanted to learn how to do all this.
This went on for a few minutes
Until she yelled at me to leave
But I didn't want to go and be alone
So I just stayed
She kept telling me to go
I just sat back
I was scared of that house.
So soon after she raised her arm high
And brought it back down
Then struck me,
She Slapped me, the spot she hit was my arm
I was four
Just wanting to watch.
I remember the welt
It was her handprint
I stumbled back
And started to cry
So she hit me for crying
She pushed me to my dad
He was on their bed asleep
'Vanessa why would you hit her?'
You see my mom was never wrong
She could never be wrong
And if you said she was there'd be hell to pay.
I remember she walked back and later returned
'Nadia who hit you?'
'Was it dad?'
'Did your dad hit you'
'N-no no it was y-you mom'
'Nadia who hit you?'
I'd think who hit me
Did I want mom to be mad at me?
'Are you sure I did it?'
'No Nadia it was dad who it you'
'Vanessa stop, leave her alone.'
'Don't try and confuse her I was asleep'
'Your dad hit you not me Nadia.'
I ask this after all this time
Why would you hurt someone
Who's only intention
Was to only ever love and care For you?
Who only had pure intentions.
An innocent little girl
Who You manipulated
Who only ever tried to please and show you how much she loved you.
Why would you do that?
Why would you break that little girl?
Mom all I ever needed was for you to love me
To understand me
Or to just try.
Was that too much to ask of you?
Around that time,
During the time we lived in that same house
You taught us to hate everyone you did
For reasons we never knew
But you constantly said things
So we would dislike them
'They did this to your mom'
And your okay with that?
How can you be okay with that
They hurt your mom
You can't like them.
Or you're wrong nadia and you're a very bad girl
My dads sisters were some of these people she taught us to hate
Because they had problems
So we never got to see our cousins
Couldn't talk to them
Your reasoning was something that happened before I was born.
That's wrong of you to teach your young children
Rather than love
Rather than to forgive.
hold onto it and use it against them
Remember the memory I shared
In my fathers Goodbye?
Where he was hitting her
When they were arguing about the drugs and women?
That happened a little after all this
So when they spilt my mom already had a boyfriend
And so did my dad?
Were they cheating on eachother?
And they just wanted to be with other people?
I won't ever know.
But when we moved to her new house
He would go over, her boyfriend
His name was Luis
He would sleep over
Where was my dad?
Who is he?
Why is he kissing mom?
All these questions at the time weren't answered
One night I remember I had this dream
We were at my grandmas house
And I walked into the first room
He was there with you
In bed you guys were kissing
You asked me if I wanted him to be my new daddy
I remember shaking my head
'N-no i already have a daddy'
'What are you talking about? Luis is your daddy'
I tried to remember my dads real name it was something
With a R but I Couldn't remember
'Wait no I have a different daddy! And he's my real one! He's not my dad!'
You said I had to call him dad because that's what he was
I was so confused.
I was always so confused as a kid
I woke up and Luis was sleeping next to mom.
Is he my dad?
Where Is my dad?
The one who took me to the park that one time?
The one who gave mom the bruises?
A few days later it was my fathers visiting days
So I told him about the dream
I don't remember what happened after that moment
But I was asleep next to dad and I didn't feel well
So I threw up
He cleaned it up.
I fell asleep again
I heard a girl talking
Is my mom here?
So I walked out of the room
When did Kristal come to lay with me?
So I walked to the living room
And my dad kissed a girl
And then she left
That's not mom?
Where is mom?
My dads days flew by and we went back with mom
'Mommy I missed you.'
'Don't ever call me that.'
'Did you not hear me Nadia! I said don't fucking call me mommy. Did you fucking hear me now?'
My lip trembled
My throat felt tight
I curled into myself
She didn't miss me?
She doesn't love me like I love her?
She was happier when I was gone?
Let me tell you something nadia
'Your value doesn't decrease
Based on someone's inability to see
Your true worth.'
A few days later we went to the mall
She'd get mad for any little thing
If we walked too slow or too fast
If we talked
And If we were near her
She'd pinch us underneath our arms
It'd hurt and if we made any noise she'd do it harder
Or she'd take us to the bathroom and 'teach us a lesson'
It would bruise
And it hurt a lot.
We had to act like the mannequins on display at these stores
And so very silent
I pretended they were people who their parents made them be silent
And they stayed so silent they were left there and forgotten
And when night came and no one returned they'd turn into a mannequin
I hoped I wouldn't turn into a mannequin
We had lunch and went home
My mom hardly ever let us hug or kiss her
She always acted like we disgusted her
Like we weren't worthy of touching her
So I grew with little knowledge of what true affection looked and felt like
So I'm sorry if I'm not the best at expressing myself now
I'm sorry if I lack things people shouldn't
I sorry if I pull away from your touch
My mother taught me not to
It's all I grew knowing
So please forgive me.
Please be patient with me I'm trying.
When I was six
This is when my mom first started dumping her motherly roles onto me and my siblings
I was six and I had to maintain the whole kitchen
While she did nothing
And there were prices to Pay if we didn't do our 'duties' or chores
We'd get things taken
Or whatever was deemed fitting for the situation
My mother used to tell me and my siblings
She never wanted to have us
We were mistakes
And that she knew for a fact she'd be happier without us.
She wished she had different children
And we were never good enough in her eyes.
Not skinny enough
Or pretty enough,
Just not enough.
In those moments she stole the light from my eyes
And blew out the candle for my soul.
I used to try and keep everyone happy,
But that sometimes meant
Not being happy myself.
So my mom used to make us be friends with her friends kids
And when we got close she'd cut them off
And do it again.
It sucked but what can I change now
She said something the other day
We were at the mall
And we passed by a Justice
She said 'remember when you guys were kids and always wanted shit from there? And I never took you guys.'
Like it was a joke
Yeah I get it was a stupid store and a stupid reason to be mad now
But she thinks that it was funny
I don't know it just bothers me
I don't want it to seem like I'm weak or easily offended but those things really did hurt me
All these things I talk about
It's because they've stuck with me over the years
Because they really broke me down.
I wouldn't mention these things if they didn't because believe me at some point they meant the world to me.
When you feel like you've lost your childhood self just remember
'the child version of us, is always in us. it's our fears, our pains, every "little" trigger we have, it's them. it's them reminding us that they're still there.'
A very wise Woman told me that.
But my love without the dark, we'd never see the stars.
I now know that I'm deserving of the most beautiful types of love and I won't ever settle for anything less ever again.
This is My Series Of Goodbyes
It's getting easier to talk about
I sometimes have nightmares
Because I have to remember everything
And I think that's okay
I was pushing it away for too long.
I'm willing to go through it
All for myself.