A Series Of Goodbyes

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Once /// Please Try and Understand me

So as I continue to tell my childhood

Could you say Traumas?

My childhood traumas

I want to remind you

None of this is fictional

None of this is embellished

If anything I've simplified it and made it clean and polished

Living it was hell

Telling it has been hell

I don't want pity

I just want to tell My Story

The things I lived through

And experienced

Yes I know it's a very dark one

But it's my life I can't change it

I'll embrace my pain and keep it

Because maybe that's what god chose for me

Maybe I was destined to live this life

This harsh life

So I could grow strong and be the woman

That he envisioned I could be

Or maybe it has nothing to do with any of it.

Who knows

Last Goodbye I talked about things I endured

At ages four through six

I'll try and keep going throughout my youth

If my story bores you that's fine

Just click off and move on

There's no harm done with walking away

When I was seven we moved houses again

I was in third grade, going to school with Casey

Me and my sister were in our room playing Barbies

And we had an idea to make a 'hammock'

So we slid blankets under the rails of our bunk bed

We were laughing and having so much fun

My mom came she said we were ripping the fibers in the blankets

And had to get down and clean

So we took it down

But it was so fun so we put them up again

Started laughing and swinging

She came back

We still hadn't cleaned

She pulled us off and I don't know

Well I do she hit us both

Multiple times

For ruining her things

For not cleaning

Maybe she was just taking her anger out on us

And just made up any excuse

She's done it before.

So she shoved Kristal in the bathroom and told her to clean

She grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to the kitchen

Across the house

My brother was playing on the Xbox

And his area was a mess and yet she let him?

This is the unfairness I talked about.

So I started picking up dishes

The area wasn't even dirty

Just messy

So my brother came over there to tease me

I was still livid

So this is what I said

'Shut up you and mom are just butt buddies'

She heard this and when my mom gets mad her eyes get black

She came back and looked so scary

She started hitting me again

Kristal heard so she came back for me

And my mom started hitting her too.

Why was she even hitting us

I don't even understand

I'm trying to figure out why she was right now

And those were the only reasons that came to mind

So after that we finished cleaning

And we sat back in our room

In hushed tones

'Did you freaking hear what I said to them?!'

'Freak Yeah i did good job! That was so funny nadia'

We high fived

We went through it together so it wasn't as bad

We both got the Same kind of ass beating

We had eachother

We have eachother.

I love you Kristal.

Thank you for accepting me and my sexuality, thank you for always being there for me. I don't hold anything they made you do to me against you. We were just surviving. I love you don't ever forget that.

There were certain ages and certain times

Where we would be completely ignored.

Years even sometimes.

I was the third child and always constantly getting in trouble

for years I was always pushed aside

That's fine

I'll just be the outcast.

At a young age I would emotionally isolate myself

I never wanted to show weakness

Or pain.

Nothing hurt me

That was the front I put up

The mask

The walls I started building at such a young age.

My parents were always so ready to shame

And disown us.

That's fine go ahead

I only need myself.

Any mistake we made they'd use it against us for years

And they were just like basic developmental mistakes

Things we all do

Or try

We were curious kids and any slight mistake would be used Against us

It's not right

It's not okay.

Any mistake any one of us made she'd broadcast it

And tell everyone.

That wasn't necessary

No one needed to know those things

She'd say 'Other People want to cover up for their family and kids and make them out to be angels. Not me fuck that y'all are screwups. And everyone should know.'

I still had really bad separation anxiety so they started taking me to see a therapist

I went to only a few sessions

They told me before I went to not say anything about my dad hitting my mom or really anything that could hurt them

So I didn't

I covered up for my parents

Even when they were the reason I felt all these things.

So after my last session my mom would say things to scare me

Like she'd threaten me with it

'You do know now that you've been seeing a Therapist you have that on your record.

You're fucking sick in the head nadia.

Sick in the fucking head.'

'And do you want to know something else,

when they run a background check on you in the future they'll fucking know you're a cuckoo.

No one will hire a fucking sick fucking lunatic Nadia and you know it.

And you know that Nadia don't you? Or are you too fucking dumb that I need to tell you that?

You think anyone will want to marry you?

No they won't. Your head is so fucked up.

You'll stay alone.

They'll probably lock you up just like that movie shutter island. Like the sick fuck you are.

You deserve that.'

You know what mom you're wrong.

I was around eight at this time

In those moments that's when she would steal the light from my eyes

She drained me

I want to say something Mom

I have healed myself.

You did not break me

You can try all you want

But you will never have that sort of control over me

Ever again.

I don't fear you

Not anymore.

I will not let you win.

I will not let you control me.

Not anymore

Not after you used me for so long.

I was strong then

And I'm even stronger now.

You have no power over me.

I won't let pain

Turn my heart into something

Ugly.

I will show you that surviving can be beautiful.

I know now I am enough.

I now love myself.

Every damaged piece

Everything.

All my imperfections.

everything that's makes up Nadia

So weeks passed and one day she took us to her closet and showed us clothes and stuff

She brought out a Blue and Black Striped Dress

She started talking about how much smaller she was than us

That we were really 'big'

Here try it on

I did and it was loose

What is her point? What is she trying to prove.

I don't understand how her mind works

How someone could constantly degrade her own children

She can say she's a mother all she wants

But she's not.

That's not what a mother does.

She just had us.

Gave birth to us

Never raised or loved us.

I did that myself

I took care of myself

I'd comfort myself.

I've never told anyone this

But when I was younger and even sometimes now

When things get too much

Or I get so frustrated or so scared or whatever I might be feeling when I'm in that fragile state

I'll pretend I'm her 'my bodily form is her'

And my mind and my pain is me

And I'll wrap my arms around myself

And I'll comfort myself

I'll talk and say 'it's okay Nadia, it's okay love nothings wrong. I love you and it'll be okay.'

I would repeat this and say other things

I'd hug stuffed animals sometimes

And it always worked

It still works

You can call it weird

I call it coping.

She never said or expressed any of those things so I had to take another thing she failed and do it for myself.

In those moments I'd say whatever I needed to hear

Whatever I wished she'd say and express to me.

It really helped me.

It might sound and feel weird at first but after it just came naturally.

I got so good at pretending it helped so much.

So around nine or ten

this when the constant fat shaming started

Just with anything she'd make me feel so big

I was never enough for her

And that's her fault.

I'm enough for myself

I don't need anyone's approval

Constantly comparing herself to us

You're this size? Oh gosh that's big.

I wasn't big.

I wasn't even fat

But she rammed that thought so far deep into my head

I started starving

Started restricting

I'd now look in the mirror and I hated what'd seen

My eating disorders started young

But doesn't everything I talk about

Start earlier than it should've?

I tried a few times to throw up but it never worked

So I didn't try it anymore.

Remember that girl I talked about In Ruby's

Well my 'friends' before I'd dumped them?

Julissa was a little bigger

And my mom saw her once

And every day she'd tell me to not hang around with people like that

That gluttony is a sin.

You're wrong mom.

You can't twist the Bible so it can fit what you want

You can't change meanings so they'll work in your favor

You're not one to judge

No one is.

I'm sorry Julissa I'm sorry I let her get in my head

And I'm sorry I stopped talking to you.

It was wrong of me to do.

My parents soon started checking my backpacks, room and just searching through all my things

Constantly

So naturally I started hiding things

They always found ways to degrade us.

Why do their minds work that way?

Why must they inflict pain onto us?

Why must they make us fear them?

Why don't you accept me

I just need acceptance.

I had a fight with my mom yesterday so my mind is a little

Scattered right now

I don't know if this goodbye will be any good

Or make any sense

Please forgive me if it's not any good.

As a kid I never got to go over to friends houses

Sleep overs

Not even to my cousins houses

The only place they'd let us was my grandpas house

His wife's granddaughter lived with them

My parents only let us sleep over when it benefited them

They drop us off for weeks

And they'd go out and do things

Always Took my oldest brother and youngest sister

Me and Kristal always went.

I now have three brothers and two sisters.

Rigo

Kristal

Nadia

Martha

Luciano

Maximiliano

Why did you guys have so many kids if you knew you couldn't be what they needed?

You knew you weren't mother material

And you had six kids?

I don't understand it.

You saw with the first three you did horribly

And then you end up having three more?

That's fine.

The last two I raised.

Not you.

I gave them my all

Not you.

They love and trust me most

Not you.

I am their mother

Not you.

You were never there for them

I was.

I Am.

You may have given birth to them

But I raised them.

From the moment they got out of that hospital

And even before because I was taking care of you

I promise you this

When I'm of age I will take my sons

And I'll move away with them

And I'll give them all they need

And you failed to do with every single one of your children

They won't be damaged

I hope they'll understand what you'll do to them if you

Had the chance to ruin them

And as long as I'm alive I will not stop

Until I know they're safe from you.

I've had people tell me when and if I want to take those kids away from you

They'd help me.

They'd testify

Saying I was the only one there with them every day

Every moment.

You do not deserve to destroy my children

Not after

Every thing you did to me and my siblings.

After years and years of the good I've done for her

She still brings up the Charlene situation

She still finds a way to bring some old mistake up

I getting off track

One time in fourth grade I'd moved schools again

And my teacher was one of the guys my mom had dated

When she was in high school

So she took me out of that class

Never told me why but she did

Do you see how she always tried to control me?

Like I'm a god damn puppet.

Back to the sleep over thing

Whenever we'd come back from sleeping over

The house would be completely wrecked

I can't exaggerate this

But the kitchen was horrible

But you couldn't physically see the counter

There was bags and trash and food and just everything was littered everywhere

Dishes were thrown in the sink

It was a mess and we had to clean it up?

Like thats so wrong

I was like 9

Come on man

So we started cleaning

And well wouldn't you be pissed they couldn't clean up after themselves?

Like they do things like this purposely

So we asked them 'you guys couldn't clean up after yourselves?'

We got sent to our room for having attitude

Ridiculous.

Absolutely fucking ridiculous

I don't know how I lived through this

I was constantly stepped over.

Like how would you feel?

I felt so suffocated

So walked over

Like the trash they failed to pick up off the counters.

I think I owe myself the biggest apology for putting up

With what I didn't deserve.

2735 Words

I'm sorry if this chapter isn't everything it should've been

I've Been really drained

Just reliving Everything

Me and my mom had an argument last night and

She just knows what places to hit

I'm trying to not let it bother me

But it had something to do with the twins

And she took them today

I haven't not been with then ever

It was so hard

It is so hard

And on top of all that for the past two days I've broken out in hives

Enough of that

'you get the uncut version of life when I go downstairs

That's where I write when I'm in a bad place and need to release

And let out the version of NF you don't want to see

I put holes in the walls with both of my fists 'til they bleed

You might get a glimpse of how I cope with all this anger in me

Physically abused, now that's the room that I don't want to be in

That picture ain't blurry at all, I just don't want to see it

And these walls ain't blank, I just think I don't want to see 'em

But why not? I'm in here, so I might as well read 'em

I gotta thank you for this anger that I carry around

Wish I could take a match and burn this whole room to the ground

Matter of fact I think I'ma burn this room right now

So now this memory for some reason just won't come down

You used to put me in the corner, so you could see the fear in my eyes

Then took me downstairs and beat me 'til I screamed and I cried

Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind

But I'ma keep the door shut and lock the lyrics inside'

NF Mansion

You should totally check out NF his music is phenomenal

And I feel like a lot of his lyrics and music I can relate to

Like similar things have happened to me.

I hope you have a beautiful day

Goodbye

-Nadia

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