Once /// Please Try and Understand me
So as I continue to tell my childhood
Could you say Traumas?
My childhood traumas
I want to remind you
None of this is fictional
None of this is embellished
If anything I've simplified it and made it clean and polished
Living it was hell
Telling it has been hell
I don't want pity
I just want to tell My Story
The things I lived through
Yes I know it's a very dark one
But it's my life I can't change it
I'll embrace my pain and keep it
Because maybe that's what god chose for me
Maybe I was destined to live this life
This harsh life
So I could grow strong and be the woman
That he envisioned I could be
Or maybe it has nothing to do with any of it.
Last Goodbye I talked about things I endured
At ages four through six
I'll try and keep going throughout my youth
If my story bores you that's fine
Just click off and move on
There's no harm done with walking away
When I was seven we moved houses again
I was in third grade, going to school with Casey
Me and my sister were in our room playing Barbies
And we had an idea to make a 'hammock'
So we slid blankets under the rails of our bunk bed
We were laughing and having so much fun
My mom came she said we were ripping the fibers in the blankets
And had to get down and clean
So we took it down
But it was so fun so we put them up again
Started laughing and swinging
She came back
We still hadn't cleaned
She pulled us off and I don't know
Well I do she hit us both
For ruining her things
For not cleaning
Maybe she was just taking her anger out on us
And just made up any excuse
She's done it before.
So she shoved Kristal in the bathroom and told her to clean
She grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to the kitchen
Across the house
My brother was playing on the Xbox
And his area was a mess and yet she let him?
This is the unfairness I talked about.
So I started picking up dishes
The area wasn't even dirty
So my brother came over there to tease me
I was still livid
So this is what I said
'Shut up you and mom are just butt buddies'
She heard this and when my mom gets mad her eyes get black
She came back and looked so scary
She started hitting me again
Kristal heard so she came back for me
And my mom started hitting her too.
Why was she even hitting us
I don't even understand
I'm trying to figure out why she was right now
And those were the only reasons that came to mind
So after that we finished cleaning
And we sat back in our room
In hushed tones
'Did you freaking hear what I said to them?!'
'Freak Yeah i did good job! That was so funny nadia'
We high fived
We went through it together so it wasn't as bad
We both got the Same kind of ass beating
We had eachother
We have eachother.
I love you Kristal.
Thank you for accepting me and my sexuality, thank you for always being there for me. I don't hold anything they made you do to me against you. We were just surviving. I love you don't ever forget that.
There were certain ages and certain times
Where we would be completely ignored.
Years even sometimes.
I was the third child and always constantly getting in trouble
for years I was always pushed aside
I'll just be the outcast.
At a young age I would emotionally isolate myself
I never wanted to show weakness
Nothing hurt me
That was the front I put up
The walls I started building at such a young age.
My parents were always so ready to shame
And disown us.
That's fine go ahead
I only need myself.
Any mistake we made they'd use it against us for years
And they were just like basic developmental mistakes
Things we all do
We were curious kids and any slight mistake would be used Against us
It's not right
It's not okay.
Any mistake any one of us made she'd broadcast it
And tell everyone.
That wasn't necessary
No one needed to know those things
She'd say 'Other People want to cover up for their family and kids and make them out to be angels. Not me fuck that y'all are screwups. And everyone should know.'
I still had really bad separation anxiety so they started taking me to see a therapist
I went to only a few sessions
They told me before I went to not say anything about my dad hitting my mom or really anything that could hurt them
So I didn't
I covered up for my parents
Even when they were the reason I felt all these things.
So after my last session my mom would say things to scare me
Like she'd threaten me with it
'You do know now that you've been seeing a Therapist you have that on your record.
You're fucking sick in the head nadia.
Sick in the fucking head.'
'And do you want to know something else,
when they run a background check on you in the future they'll fucking know you're a cuckoo.
No one will hire a fucking sick fucking lunatic Nadia and you know it.
And you know that Nadia don't you? Or are you too fucking dumb that I need to tell you that?
You think anyone will want to marry you?
No they won't. Your head is so fucked up.
You'll stay alone.
They'll probably lock you up just like that movie shutter island. Like the sick fuck you are.
You deserve that.'
You know what mom you're wrong.
I was around eight at this time
In those moments that's when she would steal the light from my eyes
She drained me
I want to say something Mom
I have healed myself.
You did not break me
You can try all you want
But you will never have that sort of control over me
I don't fear you
I will not let you win.
I will not let you control me.
Not after you used me for so long.
I was strong then
And I'm even stronger now.
You have no power over me.
I won't let pain
Turn my heart into something
I will show you that surviving can be beautiful.
I know now I am enough.
I now love myself.
Every damaged piece
All my imperfections.
everything that's makes up Nadia
So weeks passed and one day she took us to her closet and showed us clothes and stuff
She brought out a Blue and Black Striped Dress
She started talking about how much smaller she was than us
That we were really 'big'
Here try it on
I did and it was loose
What is her point? What is she trying to prove.
I don't understand how her mind works
How someone could constantly degrade her own children
She can say she's a mother all she wants
But she's not.
That's not what a mother does.
She just had us.
Gave birth to us
Never raised or loved us.
I did that myself
I took care of myself
I'd comfort myself.
I've never told anyone this
But when I was younger and even sometimes now
When things get too much
Or I get so frustrated or so scared or whatever I might be feeling when I'm in that fragile state
I'll pretend I'm her 'my bodily form is her'
And my mind and my pain is me
And I'll wrap my arms around myself
And I'll comfort myself
I'll talk and say 'it's okay Nadia, it's okay love nothings wrong. I love you and it'll be okay.'
I would repeat this and say other things
I'd hug stuffed animals sometimes
And it always worked
It still works
You can call it weird
I call it coping.
She never said or expressed any of those things so I had to take another thing she failed and do it for myself.
In those moments I'd say whatever I needed to hear
Whatever I wished she'd say and express to me.
It really helped me.
It might sound and feel weird at first but after it just came naturally.
I got so good at pretending it helped so much.
So around nine or ten
this when the constant fat shaming started
Just with anything she'd make me feel so big
I was never enough for her
And that's her fault.
I'm enough for myself
I don't need anyone's approval
Constantly comparing herself to us
You're this size? Oh gosh that's big.
I wasn't big.
I wasn't even fat
But she rammed that thought so far deep into my head
I started starving
I'd now look in the mirror and I hated what'd seen
My eating disorders started young
But doesn't everything I talk about
Start earlier than it should've?
I tried a few times to throw up but it never worked
So I didn't try it anymore.
Remember that girl I talked about In Ruby's
Well my 'friends' before I'd dumped them?
Julissa was a little bigger
And my mom saw her once
And every day she'd tell me to not hang around with people like that
That gluttony is a sin.
You're wrong mom.
You can't twist the Bible so it can fit what you want
You can't change meanings so they'll work in your favor
You're not one to judge
No one is.
I'm sorry Julissa I'm sorry I let her get in my head
And I'm sorry I stopped talking to you.
It was wrong of me to do.
My parents soon started checking my backpacks, room and just searching through all my things
So naturally I started hiding things
They always found ways to degrade us.
Why do their minds work that way?
Why must they inflict pain onto us?
Why must they make us fear them?
Why don't you accept me
I just need acceptance.
I had a fight with my mom yesterday so my mind is a little
Scattered right now
I don't know if this goodbye will be any good
Or make any sense
Please forgive me if it's not any good.
As a kid I never got to go over to friends houses
Not even to my cousins houses
The only place they'd let us was my grandpas house
His wife's granddaughter lived with them
My parents only let us sleep over when it benefited them
They drop us off for weeks
And they'd go out and do things
Always Took my oldest brother and youngest sister
Me and Kristal always went.
I now have three brothers and two sisters.
Why did you guys have so many kids if you knew you couldn't be what they needed?
You knew you weren't mother material
And you had six kids?
I don't understand it.
You saw with the first three you did horribly
And then you end up having three more?
The last two I raised.
I gave them my all
They love and trust me most
I am their mother
You were never there for them
You may have given birth to them
But I raised them.
From the moment they got out of that hospital
And even before because I was taking care of you
I promise you this
When I'm of age I will take my sons
And I'll move away with them
And I'll give them all they need
And you failed to do with every single one of your children
They won't be damaged
I hope they'll understand what you'll do to them if you
Had the chance to ruin them
And as long as I'm alive I will not stop
Until I know they're safe from you.
I've had people tell me when and if I want to take those kids away from you
They'd help me.
Saying I was the only one there with them every day
You do not deserve to destroy my children
Every thing you did to me and my siblings.
After years and years of the good I've done for her
She still brings up the Charlene situation
She still finds a way to bring some old mistake up
I getting off track
One time in fourth grade I'd moved schools again
And my teacher was one of the guys my mom had dated
When she was in high school
So she took me out of that class
Never told me why but she did
Do you see how she always tried to control me?
Like I'm a god damn puppet.
Back to the sleep over thing
Whenever we'd come back from sleeping over
The house would be completely wrecked
I can't exaggerate this
But the kitchen was horrible
But you couldn't physically see the counter
There was bags and trash and food and just everything was littered everywhere
Dishes were thrown in the sink
It was a mess and we had to clean it up?
Like thats so wrong
I was like 9
Come on man
So we started cleaning
And well wouldn't you be pissed they couldn't clean up after themselves?
Like they do things like this purposely
So we asked them 'you guys couldn't clean up after yourselves?'
We got sent to our room for having attitude
Absolutely fucking ridiculous
I don't know how I lived through this
I was constantly stepped over.
Like how would you feel?
I felt so suffocated
So walked over
Like the trash they failed to pick up off the counters.
I think I owe myself the biggest apology for putting up
With what I didn't deserve.
I'm sorry if this chapter isn't everything it should've been
I've Been really drained
Just reliving Everything
Me and my mom had an argument last night and
She just knows what places to hit
I'm trying to not let it bother me
But it had something to do with the twins
And she took them today
I haven't not been with then ever
It was so hard
It is so hard
And on top of all that for the past two days I've broken out in hives
Enough of that
'you get the uncut version of life when I go downstairs
That's where I write when I'm in a bad place and need to release
And let out the version of NF you don't want to see
I put holes in the walls with both of my fists 'til they bleed
You might get a glimpse of how I cope with all this anger in me
Physically abused, now that's the room that I don't want to be in
That picture ain't blurry at all, I just don't want to see it
And these walls ain't blank, I just think I don't want to see 'em
But why not? I'm in here, so I might as well read 'em
I gotta thank you for this anger that I carry around
Wish I could take a match and burn this whole room to the ground
Matter of fact I think I'ma burn this room right now
So now this memory for some reason just won't come down
You used to put me in the corner, so you could see the fear in my eyes
Then took me downstairs and beat me 'til I screamed and I cried
Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind
But I'ma keep the door shut and lock the lyrics inside'
You should totally check out NF his music is phenomenal
And I feel like a lot of his lyrics and music I can relate to
Like similar things have happened to me.
I hope you have a beautiful day