Doce /// Let’s Just kiss and say goodbye
So what brings you here?
What brought you back to My Series Of Goodbyes?
Are you intrigued by my previous pain?
Do you ache to know more of what I endured?
Do you want to sympathize
And pity me?
Do you simply just want to get to know more of me
Can I ask you something
Have you learned anything?
Has any of my pain taught or shown you things?
That's what I hope
That's all I can really hope for
That something could be taught
From my pain
That you can be inspired to say goodbye
Or to have someone with a similar past
And see that and be able to get up and move on
To be able to want to change and grow.
I hope you the very best of life my dear precious reader
Let us continue on with My Childhood Goodbyes
I think these pained Nadia most
A true bittersweet tragedy
Is what you could call my childhood
I'll briefly go over ages eleven through thirteen
This is sorta like my coming of age story
Coming of age
I like how that sounds.
So Let's start this coming of age story
Let us skip back a few
And onto my first real experience as a growing 'woman'
I remember this clear as day
It was January 6th
I was eleven.
We were on winter break still
My sisters and I were with my grandma
Out Goodwill hunting
I was looking at snow globes
And little knick knacks
My belly started hurting
Like something I'd never felt before
The pain resembled a clawing at me from the inside
It felt tight inside me
Like something was twisting and turning
My eleven year young self
Now I hadn't realized or even fathomed
Such a thing could of happened to myself
Especially since mother had never spoke of these things.
So I made up my mind
I strolled on into bathroom
Closed the stall
I had blood on my panties
Does this mean?
Even though my mother never spoke of it
My friends and I had mentioned it a few times
Some of them had started earlier than the rest
And I remember
I had wished for this to happen for months and now that
It had started I wanted to go back.
I wanna be a little girl still
A part of me thought.
But I so badly wanted to grow up and get my childhood over with
So I could be in control of what I went through
So I could have a say in everything that happened to me.
I needed to be in control
This has to happen in Order for you to grow up nadia
It's just the start.
Do you want to be walked over still?
For them to Continuously ridicule you and degrade you?
No, so you need to make these years pass by
You need to survive
And you need to make them pass as quickly as possible.
I so badly wanted to tell my sister but
I didn't know what to do and I was embarrassed
I put toilet paper in my panties and fixed myself up
Patted my shorts and shirt down
You can do it Nadia
You just gotta grow up nadia
It'll be okay love
Time will pass
And you'll get so far away from them.
I love you nadia, you can do it.
I can do it.
We have to do it for us.
We have to try
I could've told Kristal but what if she laughed?
So we continued shopping
I had some discomfort
And hours passed
We drove back to my grandmas and had lunch
my mom later picked us up from my grandmas house
We drove back to my dads auto body shop
Absolute Quality Auto Body.
We got inside and waited for my brother to be ready
We left the girls
Me and my mom
my brother needed to be picked up from elsewhere
I asked if I could go with my mom
Surprisingly she said yes
We drove and parked
I had a note written in my pocket
'I'm bleeding from my private parts.'
And I handed it to her
She read it
And we drove back to everyone else
So my mother takes it upon herself and
tells my dad
And my brother
And everyone else.
If I had wanted that I would've said it out loud.
Would I have not?
No, so I wrote it on a note
and handed it to you.
'Congratulations you're becoming a woman'
If I would've known that 'becoming a woman'
Would include all I endured during these years
I would've wished I stayed a child.
If I would've known the things I'll tell you came with being a woman
Or a woman In my family you'd be repulsed.
I truly hope no one has felt the things I have
But I know many many have.
And that breaks my heart
A while after, maybe a few days My mom took me to the store
And made me buy makeup
Sure that sounds like a grand time
It was nice getting grown up things
But what my mom told me
Was she was doing it because I was ugly.
And I needed to do something
In regards of how I looked.
Well if my mom can see it
What do others think when they see me?
Am I that sickening to look at?
If my parents can see how fat I am
What do I look like to strangers?
This I when my body image issues started
This is when I started to hate myself
Why does my mom need to constantly say things like this?
To My siblings
With my eleven year old mind I believed it all
I was told I was ugly
And just about every other degrading thing you could hear
And I truly believed it
With all I had
I hated looking at the mirror
Because I thought I'd see what they all did
And I was scared to see and hate what that reflection casted
Shallow I know
When I looked in the mirror I hated what I'd seen
I hated my legs
And I hated the reflection
I hated myself
And how I looked
I was so Huge
'You need to be a smaller size Nadia'
'Don't get on that you'll break it'
'Your weight will crush it'
'You need to lose weight'
'You're not skinny enough'
Body image Issues
'Why doesn't my face look this way?'
'Why is my nose so big?'
'Why can't I be pretty?'
'Why can't I be skinny?'
I'll be so happy if I'm beautiful.
If my body is perfect
I'll be so happy!
I'll love myself.
So here's something that could've helped you
Or maybe just changed your mindset
A pretty face doesn't mean a pretty heart.
A pretty face does not ensure happiness.
You are so much more than your body
I'll tell you something
Everything you have to offer
Everything that makes you
And I mean all of you.
Every single 'flaw' it's fucking perfect
It's so beautiful
You're so fucking beautiful.
You need to see that, you need to see what I see my dear.
Because then you'll know
Do you remember when I told you she said she didn't
Want to leave me?
When I was held at the emergency mental hospital
She said she couldn't sleep
She also said she didn't want to leave me there.
Here's something that totally demolishes that whole statement
My mom actually had worked In the Mental Health field
Prior to this 'incident'
So she of all would know they would hold me on a
Seventy - Two hour Psychiatric hold
Due to the 'attempted suicide'
They called it
They were referring to my self harming
I was held on a code 5150.
She fucking knew this.
She literally would always 'Psychoanalyze' us
She knew us,
and our intentions.
I'm here and able to say
She didn't know me
She doesn't know me.
Listen to this and tell me If it makes any sense
My mother would psychoanalyze us
Yet she failed to help any of us.
And here's another thing
she's the reason for a lot of our 'mental issues'
So if she was so good at doing this
Why did she fail to see
She's the problem?
Why fail to see the pain you have caused your children
But 'see' their issues
And fail to even be of any help
Just continuing with the neglect
With the verbal and emotional abuse
With the constant physical reinforcements?
I hate to say this but you're not any good at your job.
You're not a good mother either.
You were absent most of my life
You were verbally abusive
You hurt me
The trapped feeling
The suffocating feeling
I remember wanting to scream
wanting to burst in tears,
Trying to find any way to hurt myself
And wanting to get drunk just so I could have the courage to
Because I wanted to kill Myself
But all I could do was stare blankly
At the nothingness my life had become
And stay silent.
With tear stained cheeks
And any empty, numb soul
I poured my heart out to you countless times
And it was never enough
But I forgive you
I forgive you mom
I'm strong enough to say I forgive you
You May have hurt me
Failed to love me.
And all that's fine
I love you.
You're all I've ever needed,
I just needed my mom,
I needed your love.
I don't want to hold onto anger
I want to let it go
That's what I've been praying for
That's what I'm trying so hard for with
My series of Goodbyes
Even if at one time my world felt like it was
Better off being done with
Better off ended.
I continue life
And I'm glad for that.
For continuing life even when I so badly wanted to die
For staying strong even when that was the last thing I wanted.
I need to tell my story.
I need to not end life so I can hopefully help others
To give them hope
If I could do it
You can too.
'She's proof that you can walk through hell and still be an
I couldn't find my voice
For days and that's all I had wanted
So I took a break, I had broken out in hives
And had a fight with my mom
All within a couple days.
It's okay it's passed
And I don't want to hold onto pain or anger
Because I don't want to do something that would be bad for my mental health.
I'm trying to change and trying to grow.
Do you remember that rapper I mentioned last Goodbye?
NF, I got tickets to see him next April.
I'm so excited.
That's all for now