A Series Of Goodbyes

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Doce /// Let’s Just kiss and say goodbye

So what brings you here?

What brought you back to My Series Of Goodbyes?

Are you intrigued by my previous pain?

Do you ache to know more of what I endured?

Do you want to sympathize

And pity me?

Do you simply just want to get to know more of me

Can I ask you something

Have you learned anything?

Has any of my pain taught or shown you things?

That's what I hope

That's all I can really hope for

That something could be taught

From my pain

That you can be inspired to say goodbye

Or to have someone with a similar past

And see that and be able to get up and move on

To be able to want to change and grow.

I hope you the very best of life my dear precious reader

Let us continue on with My Childhood Goodbyes

I think these pained Nadia most

A true bittersweet tragedy

Is what you could call my childhood

I'll briefly go over ages eleven through thirteen

This is sorta like my coming of age story

Coming of age

I like how that sounds.

So Let's start this coming of age story

Let us skip back a few

And onto my first real experience as a growing 'woman'

I remember this clear as day

It was January 6th

I was eleven.

We were on winter break still

My sisters and I were with my grandma

Out Goodwill hunting

I was looking at snow globes

And little knick knacks

My belly started hurting

Like something I'd never felt before

The pain resembled a clawing at me from the inside

It felt tight inside me

Like something was twisting and turning

Ripping me,

My eleven year young self

Now I hadn't realized or even fathomed

Such a thing could of happened to myself

Especially since mother had never spoke of these things.

So I made up my mind

I strolled on into bathroom

Closed the stall

I had blood on my panties

Does this mean?

Even though my mother never spoke of it

My friends and I had mentioned it a few times

Some of them had started earlier than the rest

And I remember

I had wished for this to happen for months and now that

It had started I wanted to go back.

I wanna be a little girl still

A part of me thought.

But I so badly wanted to grow up and get my childhood over with

So I could be in control of what I went through

So I could have a say in everything that happened to me.

I needed to be in control

This has to happen in Order for you to grow up nadia

It's just the start.

Do you want to be walked over still?

For them to Continuously ridicule you and degrade you?

No, so you need to make these years pass by

You need to survive

And you need to make them pass as quickly as possible.

I so badly wanted to tell my sister but

I didn't know what to do and I was embarrassed

I put toilet paper in my panties and fixed myself up

Patted my shorts and shirt down

You can do it Nadia

You just gotta grow up nadia

It'll be okay love

Time will pass

And you'll get so far away from them.

I love you nadia, you can do it.

I can do it.

We have to do it for us.

We have to try

I could've told Kristal but what if she laughed?

So we continued shopping

I had some discomfort

And hours passed

We drove back to my grandmas and had lunch

my mom later picked us up from my grandmas house

We drove back to my dads auto body shop

Absolute Quality Auto Body.

We got inside and waited for my brother to be ready

Minutes pass

We left the girls

Me and my mom

my brother needed to be picked up from elsewhere

I asked if I could go with my mom

Surprisingly she said yes

We drove and parked

I had a note written in my pocket

'I'm bleeding from my private parts.'

And I handed it to her

She read it

And we drove back to everyone else

So my mother takes it upon herself and

tells my dad

And my brother

And everyone else.

If I had wanted that I would've said it out loud.

Would I have not?

No, so I wrote it on a note

and handed it to you.

'Congratulations you're becoming a woman'

If I would've known that 'becoming a woman'

Would include all I endured during these years

I would've wished I stayed a child.

If I would've known the things I'll tell you came with being a woman

Or a woman In my family you'd be repulsed.

I truly hope no one has felt the things I have

But I know many many have.

And that breaks my heart

A while after, maybe a few days My mom took me to the store

And made me buy makeup

Sure that sounds like a grand time

It was nice getting grown up things

But what my mom told me

Was she was doing it because I was ugly.

And I needed to do something

In regards of how I looked.

Well if my mom can see it

What do others think when they see me?

Am I that sickening to look at?

If my parents can see how fat I am

What do I look like to strangers?

This I when my body image issues started

This is when I started to hate myself

Why does my mom need to constantly say things like this?

To me

To My siblings

With my eleven year old mind I believed it all

I was told I was ugly

Fat

And just about every other degrading thing you could hear

And I truly believed it

With all I had

I hated looking at the mirror

Because I thought I'd see what they all did

And I was scared to see and hate what that reflection casted

Shallow I know

body dysmorphia.

When I looked in the mirror I hated what I'd seen

I hated my legs

And I hated the reflection

I hated myself

And how I looked

I was so Huge

'You need to be a smaller size Nadia'

'Don't get on that you'll break it'

'Your weight will crush it'

'You need to lose weight'

'You're not skinny enough'

'You're fat.'

Body image Issues

Self hate

'Why doesn't my face look this way?'

'Why is my nose so big?'

'Why can't I be pretty?'

'Why can't I be skinny?'

I'll be so happy if I'm beautiful.

If my body is perfect

I'll be so happy!

I'll love myself.

So here's something that could've helped you

Or maybe just changed your mindset

A pretty face doesn't mean a pretty heart.

A pretty face does not ensure happiness.

You are so much more than your body

I'll tell you something

Your mind.

Your personality

Everything you have to offer

Everything that makes you

You.

And I mean all of you.

Every single 'flaw' it's fucking perfect

It's so beautiful

You're so fucking beautiful.

You need to see that, you need to see what I see my dear.

Because then you'll know

My mother,

Do you remember when I told you she said she didn't

Want to leave me?

When I was held at the emergency mental hospital

She said she couldn't sleep

She also said she didn't want to leave me there.

Here's something that totally demolishes that whole statement

My mom actually had worked In the Mental Health field

For awhile.

Prior to this 'incident'

So she of all would know they would hold me on a

Seventy - Two hour Psychiatric hold

Due to the 'attempted suicide'

They called it

They were referring to my self harming

I was held on a code 5150.

She fucking knew this.

She literally would always 'Psychoanalyze' us

Claiming

She knew us,

Our thoughts

and our intentions.

I'm here and able to say

She didn't know me

She doesn't know me.

Listen to this and tell me If it makes any sense

My mother would psychoanalyze us

Yet she failed to help any of us.

And here's another thing

she's the reason for a lot of our 'mental issues'

So if she was so good at doing this

Why did she fail to see

She's the problem?

Why fail to see the pain you have caused your children

But 'see' their issues

And fail to even be of any help

Just continuing with the neglect

With the verbal and emotional abuse

With the constant physical reinforcements?

I hate to say this but you're not any good at your job.

You're not a good mother either.

You were absent most of my life

You were verbally abusive

You hurt me

The trapped feeling

The suffocating feeling

I remember wanting to scream

wanting to burst in tears,

Trying to find any way to hurt myself

And wanting to get drunk just so I could have the courage to

Because I wanted to kill Myself

But all I could do was stare blankly

At the nothingness my life had become

And stay silent.

With tear stained cheeks

And any empty, numb soul

I poured my heart out to you countless times

And it was never enough

But I forgive you

I forgive you mom

I'm strong enough to say I forgive you

You May have hurt me

Broke me,

Beat me,

Failed to love me.

And all that's fine

I love you.

You're all I've ever needed,

I just needed my mom,

I needed your love.

I don't want to hold onto anger

Or pain

I want to let it go

That's what I've been praying for

That's what I'm trying so hard for with

My series of Goodbyes

Even if at one time my world felt like it was

Better off being done with

Better off ended.

I continue life

And I'm glad for that.

For continuing life even when I so badly wanted to die

For staying strong even when that was the last thing I wanted.

I need to tell my story.

I need to not end life so I can hopefully help others

To give them hope

If I could do it

You can too.

'She's proof that you can walk through hell and still be an

Angel'

r.h sin

1900 Words

I couldn't find my voice

For days and that's all I had wanted

So I took a break, I had broken out in hives

And had a fight with my mom

All within a couple days.

It's okay it's passed

And I don't want to hold onto pain or anger

Because I don't want to do something that would be bad for my mental health.

I'm trying to change and trying to grow.

Do you remember that rapper I mentioned last Goodbye?

NF, I got tickets to see him next April.

I'm so excited.

That's all for now

Goodbye

-Nadia

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