A Series Of Goodbyes

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Trece /// Your lessons brought Pain

Mother

You fucking caused all my pain

Well not all,

But you hurt me most

I fucking needed you

Sure my dad was never there

A fucking deadbeat is what he was.

Nonetheless

you're the one who held me in your belly

You're the one who was above all else

Is Supposed to love and nurture me

And you didn't.

You fucking didn't.

I love you,

But a part of me fucking hates you

And what you fucking put me through

All the malicious things you did

The vile things you spoke to me

You knew where to hit

What to say.

You're fucking disgusting for it

I remember the malicious look you'd get

When you were hitting us.

Hitting me.

The pleasure it'd give you to see us

Scared and afraid of you.

Crying,

begging

For no more, no more to you whipping us

With that belt

That tool you'd use so freely.

The back of your hand

The same hand that was supposed to caress us

Only to never be used in such a way.

To only be used in a form of discipline.

The same hands that gripped

The wires and hangers.

That same hand that gripped my hair

Bruised me

Time after time.

Shaking with fear

For your relentless, degrading words

Times you said I was unloveable

Times your fucking mouth spoke words

Saying you hated me,

Saying you didn't love me.

Wishing you never had me.

You're no mother to me.

Not after all the things you've done to me.

Materialistic things mean shit

All I needed was some fucking love and emotion

Praise or some goddamn appreciation.

You're so ungrateful for all I've done for you

given you

Yes you gave me breath,

I will not deny you that

But no life,

As pointless as would having cigarettes without

a lighter.

A stomach

With Nothing to fill it.

A heart without a beat

Making a commitment to have a child

Only to neglect.

To All the things you fucking took from me.

And

You continue to steal from me.

Tonight I'm so god damn pissed.

As I'm sure you've noticed In my writing

You don't know how much she hurts me to this goddamned

day

She purposefully does things

She knows the exact time to do it.

She's fucking merciless.

She's so god damn brutal

I'm so fucking done with it all.

You continue to say,

You're such a good mother

To think you're the best mother

Hell you would repeat time after

Time because Esequiel's uncle said you

Were a good mom.

so what you're going to do is attempt to tell me

You were a good mom?

He's a god damn coke addict

Why would you take anything he says

Seriously?

He neglected his kids

Same as you and my dad did

Don't fucking deny it.

Don't ever try to disregard my words

Especially when all I've spoken has been nothing but the truth

You fucking know

You remember

Iliana was so goddammed depressed

Taking pills for her abandonment issues,

She was so broken

Constantly Telling her therapist she was so sad she never had a best friend

She was so lost in the idea

Of having a bestfriend

Having someone to care for her

While Jose was constantly bullied by him and others

Walked over

And told he was nothing

The shall I even dare say it

The supposed 'Man'

Whom was so called father of the century literally let his 16 year old nephew

Snort cocaine alongside him.

So you tell me, is he a reliable person to

Take parental advice and appreciation from?

To take any sort of advice from?

You think he has your well being on his mind?

His kids didn't even mean that much to him

And you think you do?

You think he cares about you?

Fucking funny.

And you're taking the fact that he called you a 'good mother'

For his dear ole good word?

Accountable?

To even use it after the fact,

Using it against us

In arguments

That's fine take his approval

His lovely congratulations

His heap of praise

He's such a great dad anyway.

Go ahead do it.

Let me proceed to tell you some new Particulars

Even now

After I've told so many stories

I have tellings and incidents in bulk,

In Wealth you could say,

Ever after the amount of times I've shared

Do I have millions and millions more

Hidden away in my mind

With my memories.

The ones no matter how hard I try

Can't seem to forget

They replay in my mind

Suffocate me daily.

Where do I even begin? My head is so over populated with these memories I can go on for years

But where would I start?

I think I'll continue on

In sequence,

In chronological order

Let's go back

Back again around ages eleven through thirteen.

Let's shed some light onto things I've touched lightly on

Mother.

Shall we speak of our punishments?

Things we could provoke you into doing?

Inflicting.

Onto our once delicate bodies

The things you'd say to us

Scenarios you'd tell,

There are oh so many

You'd threaten me

Tell me if I wouldn't listen

these things would happen

If they hadn't already

To keep us in order

For control and power

You once used this one

One day I can't remember what for but I was getting scolded for something so minuscule

Maybe not cleaning

You walked me to the kitchen

You turned on the burner,

Said if I kept it up you'd put a pan on

Over the flame for exactly twenty minutes

Then you'd made me stand over top of it.

My feet hurt at the thought of it

My teeth clenched as did my hands

Did i fear you?

The question will be asked sooner or later

Well I mean even You asked it

With everything in me and with everything I can speak on

Yes,

mother I feared you.

Wholeheartedly

You were what I feared, not the devil.

You.

You threatened to craft a belt

With rusted nails pierced through

And had that option for us to choose from.

For us to choose from.

You, not my nonexistent father

Taunted us with the idea

Of having an iron

Pressed into our skin

Mended with us.

Branded so to speak

I would shake with fear

My teeth would chatter and I'd grind them to stop,

Clenching my jaw and fists

She instilled fear

No doubt about that

She made sure of that

She rammed those things so far deep into us

She wanted to see the fear in my eyes

Let us not forget the things she actually did,

She'd make us strip down into our underwear

And stand under the water of the shower,

Ice cold water

Because that way it'd hurt 'worse'

Either way we took it, it hurt.

With every whip

Every time I'd hear the gust of air

Hear the crack Against my skin.

I thought Why did I deserved this life?

What did i do to deserve it?

Me of all children

Any child?

Who would say a child, a growing child deserves to endure

Any of this,

The constant degrading

The punishments

Any of this

Tell me now if you think it's Just

She beat me til I screamed and I cried.

In the eyes of the law

In Gods eyes,

In your viewings,

your knowledge and your Morals

Do you think it was an okay thing to do,

No I am not saying you have to agree with me

Just tell me if you think,

If you think I deserved it.

I know in the Bible it does say something of corporal punishments

Proverbs 13:24

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Proverbs 23:13-14

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with a rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.

Hebrews 12:11

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Ephesians 6:1-4

Children, obey your parents in the lord, for this is right, "Honor thy father and mother" for this is the first commandment with a promise, "that it may go well with you May live long in the land" Fathers, do not provoke your child to anger, but bring them up with in the discipline and instruction of the lord.

And maybe these punishments did shape me to be the woman I am today

Maybe all of what I endured did.

Yes I'd understand a simple spanking,

A few strikes with your hand Would do the 'trick'

But to the extent

To the vile degree they so badly needed to want us to fear them

Would it be okay?

This is what I'm talking about, with her twisting the Bible to fit her 'beliefs'

Her actions

Maybe.

I did deserve it

Tell me why you would think this?

Why Would anyone believe this was okay besides

Heartless devils.

To the extent they went to, did they think it was following God's words

Was religion an excuse

To inflict pain?

Did they misunderstand the words?

The scriptures?

The commandments,

The seven deadly sins

What part of the Bible said to do the things they did?

With the malice it was done with?

You May or may not be religious

You May think maybe what they did was okay

You may think it was wrong.

You're free to think and believe anything you see fitting.

I know what I think about it,

I know I'm unsure

If it was bad

Because maybe just maybe these harsh ways of life

Taught me

And molded me to being the Nadia I am today.

Or maybe I could still turned the way I have

Being showered With delicacy and praise

I will never know truly.

My mom is so quick to pull out

The honor thy father and mother line

But I remember her and the way she'd speak of her mother

You see my mom has it rough as a kid

When she was three

her heroin addicted mother dropped her at her grandparents house

Said she was getting cigarettes,

And she never came back.

Sure her mother would go over to steal

And take her things

The few things my mom had they'd take

Maybe this is why she turned the way she did,

Maybe this is what she felt she needed as a kid

So she raised us with such discipline and strictness.

Her grandparents raised her

Religion was a must,

Discipline

The spankings to make sure she was molded into a better woman

Maybe that's why she is the way she is

Maybe she had the same thoughts I have now

I really don't know

Maybe this, all she's done is right in her head.

Maybe behind it all she did it out of love?

Maybe she does love me

And she just doesn't know how to give affection

But why wouldn't she just try?

I'm trying so hard with the twins so they don't ever

Have to feel what I feel

What if it's not enough?

I mean they want that sort of thing from their mother and father

Not from me.

I know in the long run it won't matter

They need someone

Even I said I didn't care who it was

I just wanted someone to love me

Maybe it will be enough

I know my love for them is so strong

I'll keep trying

I'll be the person I needed

And I hope it's enough for them.

Don't mock a pain you have not endured.

She is proof you can walk through hell and still be an angel

Just remember

'Tomorrow will be better.'

'But what if it's not?'

'Then you say it again tomorrow because it might be. You never know, right? At some point tomorrow will be better.'

The pain will disappear once it has finished teaching you.

2030 words

I hope this is enough for today's goodbye

I'm doing a lot better today

It's a new day,

A new opportunity to get things done and to grow.

I hope you're having a beautiful day,

Goodbye my dearest darling

-Nadia

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