Trece /// Your lessons brought Pain
You fucking caused all my pain
Well not all,
But you hurt me most
I fucking needed you
Sure my dad was never there
A fucking deadbeat is what he was.
you're the one who held me in your belly
You're the one who was above all else
Is Supposed to love and nurture me
And you didn't.
You fucking didn't.
I love you,
But a part of me fucking hates you
And what you fucking put me through
All the malicious things you did
The vile things you spoke to me
You knew where to hit
What to say.
You're fucking disgusting for it
I remember the malicious look you'd get
When you were hitting us.
The pleasure it'd give you to see us
Scared and afraid of you.
For no more, no more to you whipping us
With that belt
That tool you'd use so freely.
The back of your hand
The same hand that was supposed to caress us
Only to never be used in such a way.
To only be used in a form of discipline.
The same hands that gripped
The wires and hangers.
That same hand that gripped my hair
Time after time.
Shaking with fear
For your relentless, degrading words
Times you said I was unloveable
Times your fucking mouth spoke words
Saying you hated me,
Saying you didn't love me.
Wishing you never had me.
You're no mother to me.
Not after all the things you've done to me.
Materialistic things mean shit
All I needed was some fucking love and emotion
Praise or some goddamn appreciation.
You're so ungrateful for all I've done for you
Yes you gave me breath,
I will not deny you that
But no life,
As pointless as would having cigarettes without
With Nothing to fill it.
A heart without a beat
Making a commitment to have a child
Only to neglect.
To All the things you fucking took from me.
You continue to steal from me.
Tonight I'm so god damn pissed.
As I'm sure you've noticed In my writing
You don't know how much she hurts me to this goddamned
She purposefully does things
She knows the exact time to do it.
She's fucking merciless.
She's so god damn brutal
I'm so fucking done with it all.
You continue to say,
You're such a good mother
To think you're the best mother
Hell you would repeat time after
Time because Esequiel's uncle said you
Were a good mom.
so what you're going to do is attempt to tell me
You were a good mom?
He's a god damn coke addict
Why would you take anything he says
He neglected his kids
Same as you and my dad did
Don't fucking deny it.
Don't ever try to disregard my words
Especially when all I've spoken has been nothing but the truth
You fucking know
Iliana was so goddammed depressed
Taking pills for her abandonment issues,
She was so broken
Constantly Telling her therapist she was so sad she never had a best friend
She was so lost in the idea
Of having a bestfriend
Having someone to care for her
While Jose was constantly bullied by him and others
And told he was nothing
The shall I even dare say it
The supposed 'Man'
Whom was so called father of the century literally let his 16 year old nephew
Snort cocaine alongside him.
So you tell me, is he a reliable person to
Take parental advice and appreciation from?
To take any sort of advice from?
You think he has your well being on his mind?
His kids didn't even mean that much to him
And you think you do?
You think he cares about you?
And you're taking the fact that he called you a 'good mother'
For his dear ole good word?
To even use it after the fact,
Using it against us
That's fine take his approval
His lovely congratulations
His heap of praise
He's such a great dad anyway.
Go ahead do it.
Let me proceed to tell you some new Particulars
After I've told so many stories
I have tellings and incidents in bulk,
In Wealth you could say,
Ever after the amount of times I've shared
Do I have millions and millions more
Hidden away in my mind
With my memories.
The ones no matter how hard I try
Can't seem to forget
They replay in my mind
Suffocate me daily.
Where do I even begin? My head is so over populated with these memories I can go on for years
But where would I start?
I think I'll continue on
In chronological order
Let's go back
Back again around ages eleven through thirteen.
Let's shed some light onto things I've touched lightly on
Shall we speak of our punishments?
Things we could provoke you into doing?
Onto our once delicate bodies
The things you'd say to us
Scenarios you'd tell,
There are oh so many
You'd threaten me
Tell me if I wouldn't listen
these things would happen
If they hadn't already
To keep us in order
For control and power
You once used this one
One day I can't remember what for but I was getting scolded for something so minuscule
Maybe not cleaning
You walked me to the kitchen
You turned on the burner,
Said if I kept it up you'd put a pan on
Over the flame for exactly twenty minutes
Then you'd made me stand over top of it.
My feet hurt at the thought of it
My teeth clenched as did my hands
Did i fear you?
The question will be asked sooner or later
Well I mean even You asked it
With everything in me and with everything I can speak on
mother I feared you.
You were what I feared, not the devil.
You threatened to craft a belt
With rusted nails pierced through
And had that option for us to choose from.
For us to choose from.
You, not my nonexistent father
Taunted us with the idea
Of having an iron
Pressed into our skin
Mended with us.
Branded so to speak
I would shake with fear
My teeth would chatter and I'd grind them to stop,
Clenching my jaw and fists
She instilled fear
No doubt about that
She made sure of that
She rammed those things so far deep into us
She wanted to see the fear in my eyes
Let us not forget the things she actually did,
She'd make us strip down into our underwear
And stand under the water of the shower,
Ice cold water
Because that way it'd hurt 'worse'
Either way we took it, it hurt.
With every whip
Every time I'd hear the gust of air
Hear the crack Against my skin.
I thought Why did I deserved this life?
What did i do to deserve it?
Me of all children
Who would say a child, a growing child deserves to endure
Any of this,
The constant degrading
Any of this
Tell me now if you think it's Just
She beat me til I screamed and I cried.
In the eyes of the law
In Gods eyes,
In your viewings,
your knowledge and your Morals
Do you think it was an okay thing to do,
No I am not saying you have to agree with me
Just tell me if you think,
If you think I deserved it.
I know in the Bible it does say something of corporal punishments
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with a rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Children, obey your parents in the lord, for this is right, "Honor thy father and mother" for this is the first commandment with a promise, "that it may go well with you May live long in the land" Fathers, do not provoke your child to anger, but bring them up with in the discipline and instruction of the lord.
And maybe these punishments did shape me to be the woman I am today
Maybe all of what I endured did.
Yes I'd understand a simple spanking,
A few strikes with your hand Would do the 'trick'
But to the extent
To the vile degree they so badly needed to want us to fear them
Would it be okay?
This is what I'm talking about, with her twisting the Bible to fit her 'beliefs'
I did deserve it
Tell me why you would think this?
Why Would anyone believe this was okay besides
To the extent they went to, did they think it was following God's words
Was religion an excuse
To inflict pain?
Did they misunderstand the words?
The seven deadly sins
What part of the Bible said to do the things they did?
With the malice it was done with?
You May or may not be religious
You May think maybe what they did was okay
You may think it was wrong.
You're free to think and believe anything you see fitting.
I know what I think about it,
I know I'm unsure
If it was bad
Because maybe just maybe these harsh ways of life
And molded me to being the Nadia I am today.
Or maybe I could still turned the way I have
Being showered With delicacy and praise
I will never know truly.
My mom is so quick to pull out
The honor thy father and mother line
But I remember her and the way she'd speak of her mother
You see my mom has it rough as a kid
When she was three
her heroin addicted mother dropped her at her grandparents house
Said she was getting cigarettes,
And she never came back.
Sure her mother would go over to steal
And take her things
The few things my mom had they'd take
Maybe this is why she turned the way she did,
Maybe this is what she felt she needed as a kid
So she raised us with such discipline and strictness.
Her grandparents raised her
Religion was a must,
The spankings to make sure she was molded into a better woman
Maybe that's why she is the way she is
Maybe she had the same thoughts I have now
I really don't know
Maybe this, all she's done is right in her head.
Maybe behind it all she did it out of love?
Maybe she does love me
And she just doesn't know how to give affection
But why wouldn't she just try?
I'm trying so hard with the twins so they don't ever
Have to feel what I feel
What if it's not enough?
I mean they want that sort of thing from their mother and father
Not from me.
I know in the long run it won't matter
They need someone
Even I said I didn't care who it was
I just wanted someone to love me
Maybe it will be enough
I know my love for them is so strong
I'll keep trying
I'll be the person I needed
And I hope it's enough for them.
Don't mock a pain you have not endured.
She is proof you can walk through hell and still be an angel
'Tomorrow will be better.'
'But what if it's not?'
'Then you say it again tomorrow because it might be. You never know, right? At some point tomorrow will be better.'
The pain will disappear once it has finished teaching you.
I hope this is enough for today's goodbye
I'm doing a lot better today
It's a new day,
A new opportunity to get things done and to grow.
I hope you're having a beautiful day,
Goodbye my dearest darling
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