A Series Of Goodbyes

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Seis /// Ya Lo Supere

Esequiel

I thought I loved you

For years I did

I couldn't find anyone else

Attractive because of how intense my Love was

Was it love?

Was it a just sense of security?

Was it even Real?

I'll tell you all about it

And you can tell me what you think

Let's start from the beginning

If I'm being completely honest I'm really scared

I don't know if I want to tell this one

It's the most intimate relationship

I've ever held

But I need to

I must.

I promised myself

I have to tell my whole truth

You're a big part of My Series Of Goodbyes

So if it gets too hard I'm going to take a break

This will most likely be the longest goodbye

I hope you'll understand

So this was around the time

they took me out of school

My dad wanted to introduce us to

One of his friends

Alongside with his family

I thought they were fake

Trying to be something

They weren't

You stood out

You weren't my dads friends son

No, no you were their nephew

You looked a little different too

During the first encounter I was still going to school

It was around the last two weeks

Your family came over to our house

Here's how I remember it

I came out of my room

Dressed and ready

To meet our guests

You were sitting on the Couch

On your phone

Your aunt noticed me

'Oh hi Mija you must be Nadia'

'The one we haven't met'

'Yes hello, I suppose you're right we haven't met. How do you do?'

'I'm good. Here Come on and meet my family'

I turned she introduced me to

Iliana

She was 15 at the time

All about Volleyball

She was pretty

But she had that to her

That fakeness

Next I was introduced to

Josè

I believe he was 12

He had a nerdy look to him

That same vibe

I got from them all

There it was again

'Hello I'm Nadia'

'I hope you all are comfortable if anything you can tell one of us'

'Oh mija this is my Youngest Emma'

And

Lastly it was your turn

'This is our nephew Esequiel'

Here's the thing

I got something different

Just a feeling

Call it an Intuition

I got a fragile, broken melancholy sensation

You were hurt

Why were you so hurt then my love?

I waved and gave you a hug

I felt it again

I had hugged them all

We all sat outside

On the grass

I could feel you staring

On and off

You guys left around 10:00 p.m

Even in the beginning

There was this need

This feeling

I was so drawn to you

Emotionally

I wanted to know you

Know all of you

I wanted to know why you were so hurt

I wanted to know what made you smile

A day passed

We went to your house for a brunch

You had just moved to California

You lived in Durango

It's a City In Mexico

Your Father

Your father had died

I never asked how

For obvious reasons

But he had been murdered

You lived a different life back home

I knew that.

I was willing to accept that

I was willing to accept anything

That I'm sure of

You were forced to grow up at a Young age

And for that I'm sorry my love

We were so similar in so many ways

So broken

But we were both so willing to try and fix eachother

I wanted you in the most innocent ways

I wanted to hold you

Make you feel safe

So you could say everything you needed

Get those burdens off of your chest

Cry and tell me what hurt you so badly

Your delicate but strong soul didn't deserve any of this

I was talking to Charlene during this

'You should totally toy with the oldest'

'Esequiel?'

'Yeah him'

For a second that toxic, vile side of me

Considered it

What if I make him fall in love with me

And if I were to break him

My dad will get mad

Because his friends nephew is heartbroken

it'll cause havoc

It's the perfect way to get back at them

It was in October remember?

So we went to a Pumpkin Patch

There was a petting zoo

And a maze

After we visited the zoo

They had the cutest goats

I watched you

Pet and play with them

Then you started pulling the hind legs

I'll admit I laughed

They would start to run it was cute

But sad

We met up with our parents

And went to another part of the grounds

'Go on in the maze guys'

We all walked in

Did the first round together

'We should spilt up and see what group finds the key'

'And they'll win'

So We split up In the Maze

Esequiel, Iliana and I in one group

Esequiel.

I loved you

My sister Kristal, Jose, and younger sister Marty

In the other group

Kristal was seventeen at the Time

Marty was around seven

We ran

Rushed to find the clues

Driven to win

We had to find clues

'Hurry guys we have to win'

You walked behind us both

Very mellow about it

Even though I felt that feeling with them all I was civil

I had to be

I had to give them a chance

I could've been wrong.

I had to try for you.

Since you we trailing behind us

I'd slip little flirty things in

Purposefully twirl my hips

Back up into you and act like I didn't see you

Both rounds we stayed together

The others switched a few times

It started raining

We were staying closely huddled

It was cold

And because it was raining

We started to get wet

So my jeans clung to my body

Emphasizing

My curves

Did I want you to like me in that way?

For that reason?

No absolutely not.

I wanted you to want me as I wanted you

I couldn't get you out of my god damn head

Why couldn't I get you out of my thoughts?

What did you do to me?

How did you make me crave you

From the start?

Tell me dammit

I deserve to know

We went home and after That

Only for us to go back to yours

To watch a film

And make a carne asada

We watched Home

This was and is one of my favorite movies

I cried on the part where Oh

Almost died

You texted me about it

'Why were you crying'

'Well the movie of course mister'

'It was all too sad'

'Aw you're so cute'

Sorry what?

Put your babies in me now.

After that point our Families hung out everyday

We would go out constantly

I would tolerate them

Because I had the chance to see you.

My dad said they could Baptize the twins

Even before they were born

So we were planning a baby shower

We took a break

We had a movie night

I sat next to you

We started talking about our families

Like grandparents and aunts

We were saying that my grandma was so touchy

'Yeah she's really weird sometimes, like she'll caress us in a perverted way'

I shifted to you and rubbed your thigh I went high and low and added pressure

I did it all so fast

'Yeah like this it's so weird huh'

And everyone looked at the gesture I made

acted like it was nothing

And continued with the talk

Like I was just emphasizing the touches my grandma gave

My sister sat beside me

I could've easily done it to her

I knew that

I was well aware of that

I saw you

You pushed a pillow to cover up

Uh oh did I wake something up?

I was Cheeky you could say

For a while I thought there could be the possibility

This is so hard for me to say but

I genuinely thought he liked my sister

and she Him

So I stopped

I tried to cut off all those feelings

I didn't want to be that person

I hid my feelings

Pretended I didn't like you

That's how much I love you both

I was willing to give it all up

All those feelings

the future I had planned

Maybe it was for the best

My sister well

She left the house at Seventeen

That's not my story to tell.

My mom acted like it didn't phase her

But I missed you dearly

We continued hanging out with them almost every day

I'm Surprised we never got tired of it

After awhile we started talking

Texting just talking about ourselves

Sharing things

At this time I was out of school for a couple weeks

To eachother

It was nice

To talk about things that bothered us

Without shame or Judgement

I slowly started up again

My feelings never decreased

They were just pushed aside

If anything My craving for you intensified

November 1st

The twins were born

We had you guys over A few weeks later

We were baking the night before Thanksgiving

By that time we'd been texting

For a few weeks

Sometimes we'd talk about things we wanted to do

Or try

And we'd play the truth or dare game

We started with the innocent questions

Then it shifted to

Mostly the naughty version

Never said anything About it

I love you Esequiel.

Months passed

I was the one watching the babies

Every single day

I wasn't even 14 and I was Raising two babies

My mom returned to work

And I was watching them

Doing everything for them

You were the first to say they were my kids

And in all honesty you were the only one

That mattered hearing it from

You saw all I did

It was all new

So hard for me to adjust

My parents still made me feel like scum beneath their feet

And you saying that made me feel so appreciated

So valued

My heart felt an intense ping

You were so respectful towards me

And not once did you ever disrespect me

You'd always make sure i was comfortable with talking the way we did

You don't realize the feeling

I was degraded So much

So often

I felt so walked over

Raising kids is so hard

I was fourteen

I hadn't even had time to grow up myself

My body was still developing

I was still a kid.

My mindset has always been far more mature

Maybe it's what I endured

Or it's just my nature

Once you endure that worthless feeling for so long

I guess I just

Well I don't know

I was used to feeling it

Esequiel

You were Sixteen

Not much of a gap

So a month passes

And you went home for Christmas

When you came back

We continued hanging out daily

So maybe you could say I wasn't completely isolated

But I felt it

It's not like it was all fun all day long

We would hang out maybe two hours at the end Of the day

I was raising two infants

A few days later Iliana had her Quinceañera

It's basically a Spanish Sweet Sixteen

My dad dragged us all to go

You were apart of the court

What that is

They basically have a court and they have however many girls and guys, equal partners

And they dance

And whatever else

You were apart of their court

You danced

I thought you looked so handsome

You let your beard grow out

I loved that

We left early

The boys were only a few months old

I'll briefly go over this part

We went to this Go Kart park

While waiting for our turn

I asked you why you'd shaved your beard

I told you I thought you looked so handsome

When I saw you at the quince

You blushed

You said you didn't know

You started to let it grow again

Maybe you did it for yourself

Maybe you did it because I liked it

Maybe you valued my opinion

Maybe you felt the same urge

As I did

Then My birthday

Came around

And you texted me

'Happy Birthday Nadia : )'

Later you began Asking why my dad was there at your house when it was my birthday

You see me and his aunt shared a birthday

He bought her a cake

And my mom has to hound him down

Just so he could be there for me

Yes I know I made mistakes

He was still my father

He was supposed to care

Every year

Even before I'd continuously gotten in trouble

He was never there

It was like he purposely forgot

And well he'd go out and get high

A cocaine high

This hurt

A lot

Yet he was there for her?

I don't get it

I will never be able to get it

I used to cry

It hurt a lot

Anyway back to Esequiel

You told me after her party

My dad went to your house

What you told me shocked me

You said you went into their man cave

Because they'd asked you to connect their Bluetooth

So they could play music

You did.

My dad

My fucking father

I couldn't believe this

You told me this

You said my father had given you permission

If you ever

Wanted to date any of his daughters.

He could.

You mean the father that was never there for me?

Said he'd basically given you his blessing

To date one of his daughters

Are you fucking kidding me.

Like I was just some piece of ass

Or just an object.

My Fucking Father

You said

' I'm not interested right now sir'

Or that's what you told me

Have you lost your god damn mind

Why would you ever say anything like that dad?

That was so fucking

Hurtful

So degrading

You told me you lied to him so he wouldn't catch on to us

He's my father and he's basically

I can't even

It's fine it's in the past

Well it's good to know we would've had your blessing

Anyway time passes and it's October Again

So a year after the pumpkin patch

My parents were renewing their vows

And remarrying

They had you as one of the groomsmen

I was their witness

So I stood front and center

I didn't want this to happen

I was trying so hard to not cry

Just leave him mom

My sister, Kristal was at the Ceremony

You and her were partners

So you guys had to walk together

My brother and I were the witnesses

You looked so handsome

After the ceremony we took photos

And drove down to Five Guys

I don't know why but Kristal was mad

And making a scene

My dad had a talk with me

I didn't even do anything

I can't remember their reasoning

But it's in the past

Initially I was going to sit at the table where you'd saved my seat

Kristal sat there next to you

Anyway my mom needed me to be her children's mother's

So I sat a the kid table

It was fun

I fed the babies

And kids are interesting

They kept telling me stories

'Why aren't you sitting with me?'

'Well with us?'

'It's nothing. My dad just had a talk with me like I did something wrong and my mom needed me to watch my babies'

'I wanted you here'

I looked across the room

And smiled at you.

Butterflies

Esequiel I love you.

We went to the place we were having the party

To set up

You didn't go

So if we skip a few hours to when your family came for the party

This is how it'd go

I was wandering to every table

Saying hello

And just talking to everyone

We were having this famous Spanish singer Come

I was still floating around

I caught your eyes

Esequiel I love you.

My sister got there she had sweats on

I laughed

This was supposed to be formal

She told me she was high

I'm sure no one would notice

Just don't act crazily

You did

So now the man had arrived

He was flirty and had a good charisma to him

So he sings a song for my mom and dad

Gives my mom the first rose

And continues another song

After this song he said my name

I turned around and everyone started cheering m

Hey gotta hype the crowd up

I started cheering like AYYYYYE THEY CALLED ME

I walked to his stand

And to the Rose

I held it

I walked Back

My phone vibrated

You texted me

I remember

'NADIIAAAAA!!!'

I turned around and saw you

You weren't in the crowd

You were sitting down

'I KNOW DID YOU SEE THAT?!'

'I did congrats'

With one final smile I continued to watch

After a while I had a beer or two

I was a little tipsy

I hadn't eaten

My eating disorder was still there

So it was easy for my body to feel slump

You sat with Kristal and Gerardo

I was still talking to guests telling them he gave me a kiss

And that he told me he wished he could take me with him be he sadly couldn't

She had your jacket

It's nothing

Just stop Nadia

I walked over to my cousins and sat with them

Kristal called me over to sit with you guys

I told them to come

She ended up leaving

Or was she wandering

I can't remember

No wait her friend got there

So she was introducing her

We were just talking about anything

It started to get colder the later it got

I'll admit I was distant

That night I was

You're not going to believe this

But my mom needed me to watch the babies

Shocking

So I went inside

I was tipsy

I texted you

I'll hook you up with my sister if you want

'No That's fine Nadia I don't like her. I'm not interested in her'

Say it

Say you want me please

After about thirty minutes my mom said for us to start saying goodbye

I hugged you

'Sorry I texted you that I'm a lightweight'

'It's okay Nadia'

I love you Esequiel

You and all my dads friends

Got another band to play and went to some friends house

My dad got High

All the guys were high

You were high

Cocaine.

You all used it

Remember those things I said I would Over look

This was one

You were Seventeen

You told me you used back home

And sometimes when you're with the older crowd

You'd still do it.

sometimes

Later on the next morning

I guess your aunt was dropping everyone off

There was a full car

I came outside

You couldn't meet my eyes

I knew why

I saw my dad

I know the look

I saw him biting his lips

I know the signs

I love you Esequiel I don't care I'll do everything to help you

A few weeks after we had the babies first year party

I'll admit I looked good

So let's skip the beginning of the night

Just skip to where I was with you

We were in the bouncy house

Me you and two of my cousins

The same ones from the wedding

We started playing mummy

And games like That I was jumping

I could feel your eyes

Burning into me

Roaming everywhere

You were just taking my whole form in

Was I just another girl to you?

Did I fall too fast?

We were in there for about an hour

My dad came

Told me to get out

And watch the kids

They couldn't find their shoes

And we were leaving soon

So I hugged you all

You were the longest

I remember that bouncy house

Our castle

You see I can't seem to be able to write all my feelings down

It's impossible

I keep trying but something in me

Wants to keep some details

To myself

For us to only have

But they're just that

Just memories

We continued to hang out

One time soon after we went to Disney

We met up for lunch since we got caught up in the infirmary

I sat next to you

Not closely just next to you

This is when I told you guys we were moving

Iliana seemed hurt and it seemed genuine

'What why?'

You

Well you looked heartbroken

Torn.

'My parents say there's more money out there'

The whole mood shifted

You guys asked and they said the same

You kept looking at me

So deeply

Like you were begging me to stay

Trust me love

My precious love

I didn't want to go

I loved you

I want to keep you close to me

Forever

After two years

I loved you

I think I loved you from the moment I saw you

Nadia and Esequiel

After we watched the Fire works

Me and my family were going to get on a boat ride

You came.

You sat next to me

We were so close

I didn't care i kept turning around to face you

Pointing out things we seen

Our face was inches apart

I so badly wanted to close the space

To kiss you.

I love you Esequiel

I could feel your breath

Smell your cologne

That's how close we were.

I'll never forget it.

I'm going to have to skip some of these moments my word count is 3610 right now

And there's still a lot to tell about this story

About us

The last time I saw you

Well while I was living in California

Was New Years

Remember the Esequiel from Abraham's goodbye?

This is him

I was trying to stop my feelings

Trying to detach myself from Esequiel

So I was using Abraham to

To see if I loved Esequiel

So let's talk about their New Years Party

We got there and it was a Full house

It was not our scene

So anyway I said hello to everyone

And I sat next to you

You guys were playing a game

I had glitter and gems on me

Not too many

But a cute amount

We sat so close our thighs touched

It was loud remember

So you whispered to me

Oh so close to my neck

I felt your lips graze my skin

'Cute shoes'

I felt goosebumps every where

'Thanks for noticing'

I did the same to you

I saw the hairs rise

We were fifteen and seventeen at this time

'Your makeup, it looks.. it looks really nice. You look really nice Nadia'

It was my turn to blush

You held Luciano

I loved it

I loved how you looked with him

You were so sweet

I wonder how you'd be with our children

My mom came and told me we were leaving

We'd only been there for forty minutes top

I hugged you

You smelled beautifully

You felt like home

I wanted to get lost in you

I wanted us to get lost in eachother

In the most innocent ways possible

I wanted you to know

I was willing to Give my whole self to you

In every sense

In every way possible

I was ready for you to have me

All of me

My innocence

My very last breath

My all.

I love you Esequiel

I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

I finished saying goodbye to all

We had left already

And went to my aunts house

Your face is all I kept seeing

Some Time passes

And it's moving day

Somewhere around February

I hadn't seen you since New Tears

I love you

I love you

I love you

Esequiel I love you

I texted you telling you I was leaving already

'But I didn't get to say goodbye'

'I know love i know'

So we started our drive

From California To Chicago

Illinois

1,962.4 miles

I was going to be nearly 2,000 miles away from you

God dammit I didn't want to leave you

Understand that I didn't want that

You of all should know I had no say in it

It's not my fault

Please realize

Please please please realize that

I fucking love you god dammit

I didn't want to go

I'm so sorry I had to leave you

I used to wish and hope and pray

Please god please I don't want to leave

Help me stay

Help them to let us stay

I'm so happy right now

I'm so in love please

'Promise me Esequiel promise me you won't let go'

Please don't forget me my love

Hollow

This emptiness over came me

I didn't want to go

You were mad at the situation

And you sometimes took it out on me

Did you love me too?

Did you need me too?

You see I said Ruby was my first love

Yes I loved her

But not in the way I loved you

I loved everything

Every part of you

I was willing to accept every flaw

Everything

Let me love the lonely out of you

Is what I asked in the beginning

And you let me

I sucked all the pain

You told me

'What will I do without you?'

'You've helped me so much Nadia'

'I was so depressed without you. I was ready to die

You gave me meaning you gave me hope'

You helped me

Please

Please Nadia

What do you think you did for me?

You did that and more

You were my true first love

Ruby I lusted for

I loved her

I was older now and it was different

Those feelings were different

I hadn't realized it but your love was my first true love

If that makes sense

Because I wasn't ready to give my all to Ruby

And maybe that's what made it different

I was there

Willing to be vulnerable

Willing to show you all my scars

All my pain

Willing to Let you take my purity

And for that

To me

You were my first love

Maybe in the future there could be something

But that's for the future to know

And us to live on not knowing

On the road trip here

We were talking nearly the whole trip

It was around seven days

It'd snow and we'd be delayed

Or we had to take breaks

And stay at hotels

One things was certain

We talked that whole way

You finally told me

You told me from the first moment

You wanted me

The Same way I did

You remembered the smallest details

Small phrases

Small things I did

And didn't do

You remembered 'home' The movie

You remembered everything

We were both so needy for eachother

Constantly

After that but we were so far

And it was too late

I love you Esequiel I really do I want you to know that

The needy feelings we had for eachother were still there

We were waiting for eachother

I didn't know when I'd return

There are so many details I can't put into writing

I can only remember and smile

Smile at what could've been

We talked about having a future together

A house even talked about how we wanted it

How many dogs

And babies

We had names I won't say them

That's for us to hold

Those small things we need to keep safe

Keep them unsaid

I could never be able to start and try and explain

My feelings towards you

They were

They're are unexplainable

They were real

Our love was real

I won't deny it any longer

We loved eachother wholeheartedly

With everything we had

For months the long distance was bearable

We would talk on and off

You started changing

You started being disrespectful

I guess your mask had been removed

I'd blame it on that toxic family

But it was you

You.

One day

This day has hurt me since

I'll say goodbye To this day

Soon enough

I told you my sister pulled my shirt too hard

And it stretched a bit

So you could see more of my boobs than I would've wanted

You said something around the lines of

I found the screen recording

I told you about the shirt

'What but you don't even have..'

'Jk you have nice boobs'

Then he asked what happened and I told him we were

Wrestling sorta and I was winning so you grabbed my boob

'Ha ha something I would've done.'

September 23, 2018

After that it was on and off

Yeah you might say I overthought or maybe it was nothing

I was willing to over look everything

And because I didn't have a Huge rack

Fuck you

You were a fucking

Coke addict and I was willing to do anything

I don't take disrespect well

After that we sometimes talked just updating eachother

And something happened

And my family cut theirs off

I did too

I stopped talking to you

And then during January

Guess who convinced me to try again

Cayra

So I did and well

It wasn't the same

Yes there still was a need for eachother

But not in the same way

You changed

You weren't my Esequiel.

And I don't know

Maybe it was the distance

Maybe I'll never know

Things happened

I still held onto it

I wasn't really attracted to anyone at that point

I still had the thought

That you were going to take my purity

I only felt safe with you

So if it were to be anyone

I wanted it to be you.

Again I cant explain everything

I'd be here for months writing this single good bye

I'm not too proud to tell you

But I cry sometimes

I cry sometimes about it.

It may seem like another goodbye to you

But this was the man I loved

For years

I have to remember I am mine before I will ever be anyone else's

Everything happens for a reason

And people change like the seasons

What's the point in closure when it's already over.

I wonder do you ever think of me?

Think of how you said I helped you so dearly?

Do you see things and do they remind you of me?

Or was I just another girl?

I won't ever know.

And I'll have to accept that

But don't pretend like I didn't

Mean anything to you

I felt it

I saw how you looked at me

You loved me

Even if it was only for a short time.

You couldn't have looked me in the eyes for that long

And just push it away and say you didn't have feelings

It was a experience I will never change

I used to wish and pray for change

But i wouldn't have the knowledge I do now if I were to

Erase the pain.

I wish you the best Esequiel good bye a part of me will always love you

But I must move on.

You have.

Or so I think

And force myself to believe.

Good bye I have nothing else to say about you right now

This was a hard one to write

I didn't include everything

It would've been impossible

I can't possibly show you what he would do

The way he'd make me smile

The things we shared

It's not possible.

Goodbye my love.

My true first love

5445 words

I'm sorry if this one makes no sense

I'm sorry if I couldn't help paint the picture of our

Relationship as I wish i could've

As clear as it could've

I tried I did.

Somethings are inexplainable

Some things hurt too much

The title of the chapter means

I'm over it

I have suffered enough

Here's a song translated in English and it's reminded me of you for so long it's called 'Ya Lo Supere'

'It is a pleasure to look at you again.

Here, I introduce you to my new love;

she is to blame for all the good

that has happened to me, after you.

I already got over, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Sure, I suffered, you can't imagine how;

the desire to go back to you, is gone,

my weeping dried out, and the difference is

that, yes, I am loved in return, now.

With the same sexual urge and the same desire

that one day I took delight on you, I love her,

in that very same life I have been reborn

you are not the only woman in the world.

With the same vigor I give myself to her,

and, in no way, she denies her kisses to me,

in the same bed where I was your beggar

now I have nights overflowing with love.

I already got over, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Sure, I suffered, you can't imagine how;

the desire to go back to you, is gone,

my weeping dried out, and the difference is

that, yes, I am loved in return, now.'

I'm signing off good bye

-Nadia

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