Siete /// Mend the Pain with Lust
It's sad to admit
But it was too hard
Without you Esequiel
I needed a distraction
Do you Remember Alex?
From Ruby's Goodbye Letter?
I briefly mentioned him
Well they dated for a couple of months after the restraining order
I messaged you one day
Wanting to catch up
We were friends after all
You answered after twenty minutes
You asked for a photo
I sent a couple
You asked what we should talk about
I suggested a game
We ended up playing 21 Questions
'You got bomb tbh'
You wanted me to start off
'Yeah when a girl grinds on me'
You asked me the same
This was awhile ago
I have the chat so I'm putting them here so you guys have
A deeper understanding
I really stooped low on this one but it's in the past and I can't change it
I've told what others have done and now it's time for me to show a little of myself back then
I was so determined to get Esequiel out of my mind
Maybe this was the way to do it?
'Hmm that's hard I've got a lot'
'Like I've always wanted to be tied to a bed and fucked that way'
'Would you like to get eaten out til you get wet'
It didn't really make sense but I went along
'Past that... to the point I'm begging them to stop'
This isn't the way Nadia
I know you loved him
I know you still love him
But this isn't the way to do it
I felt guilt
Every time I'd answer
Your face would flash
Your beautiful face
I didn't need a distraction I just needed you
I'd see you in your sweats and a comfy tee so peaceful
I have to let go
Nadia you must let go
'Have you ever wanted to spank someone?'
'Hell Yeah to teach them who's their daddy'
Do you see how all these questions
With every scenario
It's something that has nothing to do with
Or even Love
I understand why you had felt this Nadia I do
Felt it would work in your favor
I know since I am you.
Just a bit older
With a bit more knowledge
He asked me for pictures
Should I be doing this?
Just try it maybe you'll feel better
I sent you a photo
I sent you an ass pic
I had panties on
It still doesn't justify it
I wanted to save myself
Save my body
So Esequiel could unravel it
So he can have all of me
Don't think of him
Please Nadia don't
You need to move on
I asked if you wanted another
So I sent a bra pic
We played a bit longer
And we ended up moving to Snap chat a few days later
Kept telling eachother different scenarios
This went on for a few months
You'd call me princess and my love
Nothing felt close to what it did With my Esequiel
I'm sorry I don't want to make this chapter about him
But that's how it played out
Our conversations got easier
You filled a small portion of the void
Not nearly enough to make my need for
Esequiel to stop and I'm sorry for that
I'm sorry for it all
You didn't deserve to be my rebound
I should've just healed on my own
I was wrong for trying to compare you both
You were perfect in all of your ways
But my soul was bound to a lovely
Man that I couldn't necessarily have anymore
Whom towards the end treated me with disrespect
And not the same love and passion
We once both held
A respect we both shared for eachother
And I'll have to forever accept
As months passed we got better at the art of seduction
You could call it
He can't touch you nadia These are just words
No meaning to them
Nothing real. No promises
Just something to pass the time
All I could do was cry
I was losing the man that I love
And all I could do was cry
And fill my head up with another
It was all Just something to push his face and precious
His precious memories
The safe feeling of His safe strong arms
To push it out of my head
Out of my constant thoughts
I thought if
If mine and Esequiel's love could ever rekindle
He would be the one
I only trusted and wanted him
Don't get me wrong
Alex you're extremely good looking
You have a nice personality
But we both used eachother
Yes I enjoyed our conversations
But When I was talking to you
I'd pretend it was him I was talking to
And after me doing that for all those months
I started to grow attached
Maybe it's because you'd say things
Like you wanted to just be in my presence
To talk and get to know all of me
Want to wake next to me
Remember Nadia this isn't Esequiel this is Alex
Stop putting what Esequiel did and made you feel onto someone else
I'd remember all the good
And pretend the bad never happened
But onto the wrong person.
I put it onto you Alex
But you can't and could never be my Esequiel
No one can.
Just you Esequiel.
You told me things like
You have no idea if the things I'll do to you, you make me a
totally different person
If you don't obey my rules any slight fuck up im gonna beat that ass
'Well then that's just what I'll do daddy'
And there were hours and hours of messages
One time you started dating someone
So you told me we had to end it
I remember I had been 'growing attached'
I was trying to hold on to Esequiel and I was projecting it onto you
So when you had to go my coping
Sorta fell apart
You see I didn't properly heal
Because I rushed into that
And tried to mend the pain with lust
A few months later you messaged me
I was surprised we ended it sort of Rocky
And the first time around it was like I gave you too much
Power over me
The next time I'd healed a bit
That alone time made me realize a lot
So when you wanted to talk
It was casual
You told me you missed our little conversations we used to have
So it slowly started again
But this time you were asking me to stay
I didn't necessarily need this anymore
That much I knew
So we continued our flirting
Our fantasy talks
It started to get easier
Not being with you Esequiel
Bearable is what it was
By this time I had already lived in Chicago
For about a Year
You kept telling me to go back to California
Trust me I kept asking my parents
But you wanted me there so we could act out
I knew this.
I knew it all too well
But you see
I wanted to see my love
I wanted to see Esequiel so I was asking to go
'Come back to the valley already'
'Well I'm soon 18, so if I go visit you?'
'Over here in Chicago?'
'That'd be nice'
'I bet lol don't worry if you don't come back I'll go & get you:) '
I enjoyed you
Your mindset had always intrigued me
You were so sweet
Maybe a life without Esequiel is something I could do
Maybe I could find someone new
We talked about hanging out together
Talking and getting to know eachother on a different level
We talked about concerts and things to do in Chicago
'Yeah that'll be great just having you right next to me talking you know just vibing'
Is what you said
It was nice for a while Esequiel wasn't so consumed in my head
Mine and your Relationship, Alex
It had been built
I'm sorry I made you my rebound
You didn't deserve it
And now theres nothing I can do for the wasted times
But get up and move on
I now know you can't fix pain
By rushing into something new
Into someone new
Whether it be romantic or lust
In the end it just won't work.
You need to take a step back
Get a hold of yourself
Heal completely and then if you wish
Find someone new
Or do whatever feels right To you.
But don't hurt someone else in the process
It's not Just
So I'll say goodbye to you Alex
I'll say goodbye to you being my rebound
I'll try and move forward with life
I hope I never use someone in the way I did
When you're hurt you do irrational things
You try and heal in ways you've seen others do
Remember choices made in anger cannot be undone
Try and do what's best for not only for yourself
But others As well.
I was selfish and hurt
I'm signing off for now
Til we meet again