A Series Of Goodbyes

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Siete /// Mend the Pain with Lust


It's sad to admit

But it was too hard

Without you Esequiel

I needed a distraction

Do you Remember Alex?

From Ruby's Goodbye Letter?

I briefly mentioned him

Well they dated for a couple of months after the restraining order

I messaged you one day

Wanting to catch up

We were friends after all

You answered after twenty minutes

You asked for a photo

I sent a couple

You asked what we should talk about

I suggested a game

We ended up playing 21 Questions

'You got bomb tbh'

You wanted me to start off

Any kinks?

'Yeah when a girl grinds on me'

You asked me the same

This was awhile ago

I have the chat so I'm putting them here so you guys have

A deeper understanding

I really stooped low on this one but it's in the past and I can't change it

I've told what others have done and now it's time for me to show a little of myself back then

I was so determined to get Esequiel out of my mind

Maybe this was the way to do it?

'Hmm that's hard I've got a lot'

'Like I've always wanted to be tied to a bed and fucked that way'

'Would you like to get eaten out til you get wet'

It didn't really make sense but I went along

'Past that... to the point I'm begging them to stop'

This isn't the way Nadia

I know you loved him

I know you still love him

But this isn't the way to do it

I felt guilt

Every time I'd answer

Your face would flash

Your beautiful face

I didn't need a distraction I just needed you

I'd see you in your sweats and a comfy tee so peaceful

So delicate

So comfortable

I have to let go

Nadia you must let go

'Have you ever wanted to spank someone?'

'Hell Yeah to teach them who's their daddy'

Do you see how all these questions

With every scenario

It's something that has nothing to do with



Or even Love

I understand why you had felt this Nadia I do

Felt it would work in your favor

I know since I am you.

Just a bit older

With a bit more knowledge

He asked me for pictures

Should I be doing this?

Just try it maybe you'll feel better

I sent you a photo

I sent you an ass pic

I had panties on

It still doesn't justify it

I wanted to save myself

Save my body

So Esequiel could unravel it

So he can have all of me

Don't think of him

Please Nadia don't

Just stop

You need to move on

I asked if you wanted another

So I sent a bra pic

We played a bit longer

And we ended up moving to Snap chat a few days later

Kept telling eachother different scenarios

Different positions

Kept flirting

This went on for a few months

You'd call me princess and my love

Nothing felt close to what it did With my Esequiel

I'm sorry I don't want to make this chapter about him

But that's how it played out

Our conversations got easier

You filled a small portion of the void

Not nearly enough to make my need for

Esequiel to stop and I'm sorry for that

I'm sorry for it all

You didn't deserve to be my rebound

I should've just healed on my own

I was wrong for trying to compare you both

You were perfect in all of your ways

But my soul was bound to a lovely

Man that I couldn't necessarily have anymore

Whom towards the end treated me with disrespect

And not the same love and passion

We once both held

A respect we both shared for eachother

And I'll have to forever accept

As months passed we got better at the art of seduction

You could call it

He can't touch you nadia These are just words

Just words

No meaning to them

Nothing real. No promises

Just something to pass the time

All I could do was cry

I was losing the man that I love

And all I could do was cry

And fill my head up with another

It was all Just something to push his face and precious

His precious memories

The safe feeling of His safe strong arms

To push it out of my head

Out of my constant thoughts

I thought if

If mine and Esequiel's love could ever rekindle

He would be the one

I only trusted and wanted him

Don't get me wrong

Alex you're extremely good looking

You have a nice personality

But we both used eachother

Yes I enjoyed our conversations

But When I was talking to you

I'd pretend it was him I was talking to

And after me doing that for all those months

I started to grow attached

I thought

Maybe it's because you'd say things

Like you wanted to just be in my presence

To talk and get to know all of me

Want to wake next to me

Remember Nadia this isn't Esequiel this is Alex

Stop putting what Esequiel did and made you feel onto someone else

I'd remember all the good

And pretend the bad never happened

But onto the wrong person.

I put it onto you Alex

But you can't and could never be my Esequiel

No one can.

Just him

Solely him

Just you Esequiel.

You told me things like

You have no idea if the things I'll do to you, you make me a

totally different person

If you don't obey my rules any slight fuck up im gonna beat that ass

'Well then that's just what I'll do daddy'

And there were hours and hours of messages

One time you started dating someone

So you told me we had to end it

I remember I had been 'growing attached'

I was trying to hold on to Esequiel and I was projecting it onto you

So when you had to go my coping

Sorta fell apart

You see I didn't properly heal

Because I rushed into that

And tried to mend the pain with lust

It collapsed

A few months later you messaged me

I was surprised we ended it sort of Rocky

And the first time around it was like I gave you too much

Power over me

The next time I'd healed a bit

That alone time made me realize a lot

So when you wanted to talk

It was casual

You told me you missed our little conversations we used to have

So it slowly started again

But this time you were asking me to stay

I didn't necessarily need this anymore

That much I knew

So we continued our flirting

Our fantasy talks

And all

It started to get easier

Not being with you Esequiel

Bearable is what it was

By this time I had already lived in Chicago

For about a Year

You kept telling me to go back to California

Trust me I kept asking my parents

But you wanted me there so we could act out

Our conversations

And fantasies

I knew this.

I knew it all too well

But you see

I wanted to see my love

I wanted to see Esequiel so I was asking to go

'Come back to the valley already'

'Well I'm soon 18, so if I go visit you?'

'Over here in Chicago?'

'That'd be nice'

'I bet lol don't worry if you don't come back I'll go & get you:) '

I enjoyed you

Your mindset had always intrigued me

You were so sweet

Maybe a life without Esequiel is something I could do

Maybe I could find someone new

We talked about hanging out together

Talking and getting to know eachother on a different level

We talked about concerts and things to do in Chicago

'Yeah that'll be great just having you right next to me talking you know just vibing'

Is what you said

It was nice for a while Esequiel wasn't so consumed in my head

Mine and your Relationship, Alex

It had been built

With lust.

I'm sorry I made you my rebound

You didn't deserve it

And now theres nothing I can do for the wasted times

But get up and move on

I now know you can't fix pain

By rushing into something new

Into someone new

Whether it be romantic or lust

In the end it just won't work.

You need to take a step back

Get a hold of yourself

And heal.

Heal completely and then if you wish

Find someone new

Or do whatever feels right To you.

But don't hurt someone else in the process

It's not Just

So I'll say goodbye to you Alex

I'll say goodbye to you being my rebound

I'll try and move forward with life

I hope I never use someone in the way I did


Good bye

1500 words

When you're hurt you do irrational things

You try and heal in ways you've seen others do

Remember choices made in anger cannot be undone

Try and do what's best for not only for yourself

But others As well.

I was selfish and hurt

I'm signing off for now

Til we meet again

Good bye


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