A Series Of Goodbyes

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Ocho /// Euphoria

Pleasure

pleas·ure

/ˈpleZHər/

noun: pleasure

a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment.

Interesting.

Well In our case

This is your name

I know your Good bye will hurt most

We met online

To be specific we met on Wattpad

I was reading one of your books

I commented on one of your rants

Standing up for you

You said no one had ever done that for you

Just a stranger

Standing up for another

After our first encounter you asked me to audition for a

new book of yours

I sent a simple one

We exchanged numbers

You wanted me to help choose a cover

You're very talented

We started talking

I was living in California

This was in March I remember

When we started talking

It was nice

I was watching the kids

And you and Esequiel

Would fill me up with a little happiness

We got to know eachother

We grew close

But when I moved to Chicago if it was even

Possible we well I was so attached to you

And we were closer than ever for a time

You were one of of the people I could openly be myself

Even if it was behind a screen

That was my genuine self

You were such a nice person

I felt like you never judged me

You were so gentle

I always felt so safe

So I can't explain it

But you gave me a feeling I never had

A kind of emotion I'd never received

Even though we never touched I felt like I'd hugged you millions of times

It was Something I felt I always needed

But never felt

Affection?

I don't know

But I always felt at peace

I felt like a kid in a sense

Maybe it was because my parents failed to show me affection

Maybe they failed to show what you did

Maybe that's all I needed as a kid

For someone to truly care

And you

Well pleasure you gave me that

Don't get me wrong yes I have people who care about me

I'm not saying you were the only one

But in the way you did it

You knew that truly I was fragile

Without it being said

You treated me like a doll

If that makes sense

A fragile porcelain doll

And maybe that's what I needed at the time

Delicacy

I felt I could tell you anything

I could vent to you

I could tell you what was going on in my mind

Talk to about my depression

Talk to you about my bad unbreakable habits

Ways of coping and your delicacy

Your love

It helped me a lot

But I got used to it

I suppose I asked for too much

Maybe that's why my parents never gave me affection

Because after awhile I'd need too much

It was unfair of me to

I now realize that

So for that I'm sorry

I should've realized you had a lot on your plate

You had no obligation to me

I'm sorry I asked for too much

I'm sorry for my clingy ways

I was in a bad place at that time

I'd just moved 2,000 miles

The man I was in love with

Well I left him behind

And even though we talked

Our relationship was still rocky

My eating disorder was a way I coped

Instead of restricting I now would

Binge

Sure I'd restrict all day

And when my mom would get home

I'd binge

And sometimes purge

Another way I'd cope was well

I then had recently picked up the habit

Of cutting again

I'd stopped

But we were moving

There were blades

I got one

And it helped for a bit

I started small nothing too much

Five or six

But when it'd get too much

I'd go to shower

I'd open a box and get this one makeup palette

Where I hid it.

And I'd go to the bathroom

Undress

And remember what my pediatrician said

About how we sometimes do it on our thighs?

Well with that idea in my head

I didn't want to do it on my arms and possibly get Caught

I have a mole on my right thigh

I'd use that as a marker

Don't pass this point

Those five or six

Turned to ten

Then twenty

The most I'd done was forty

Maybe even fifty

Deep

Long cuts

In one time

I started barely grazing the skin

Towards the end I was applying pressure so they could be deeper

I got addicted to the power it'd give me

The power i would feel

I controlled how deep

How many

And I felt I had no control

My parents denied me control

After awhile I started to crave to see the blood

I'm clean now

I've stayed strong

but I was constantly doing it

Sometimes over older cuts

I even would perch my leg up

And started on my inner thigh

It'd hurt during the day

But I'd think

I did that

I caused that pain

And It made feel powerful

I did that for a while

I needed to.

Toxic or not I felt it helped

But you see it wasn't all bad.

Cos now I was relying on you

And there was no physical pain

But that's not true

It's just as bad

Just as toxic

I understand now you needed space

It's draining when someone is constantly needing this

Sure I'd give you tons of affection and attention

I suppose I needed you more than you needed me

Sometimes we'd talk on and off

For your birthday I bought you a couple

Makeup palettes

You said you loved them

We kept talking

I'd get so happy to talk to you

To see your name

Your messages and face

You were and are unconditionally beautiful to me

I know you'll make a great mother if that's what you choose

If you give that feeling you gave me those kids will

Grow to be perfect

You were a bit older than me

And maybe.

Just maybe that added to it?

You weren't a rebound

But I felt as if my soul was bound and made for yours

I feel like I wanted to marry you

To spend my whole life with you

With that safe feeling

I know it may sound like I wanted a future with all my

Goodbyes

And maybe that's true

Maybe I fall too fast?

Maybe I used to rely so deeply on others

It'd get too much when I didn't have it

I'm not that way anymore

Thankfully

So all this time has passed and we shared

That we felt we both had fallen in love with eachother

Hours and hours of pet names and love

I felt the love

It was magical

Think what you want

But I felt it.

There was just so much love

And I was emotionally attached

Thank you for making me feel

Thank you for helping me

Even when I just wanted to let go

You saved me so many times

And for that thank you.

Our last encounter left me empty after two years

I'll admit I got too attached.

I'm sorry for that.

I said I'll never vent

I'll never open up.

It never works

Cayra fed off it and it pushed you away

I'll always be sorry for doing that, it's one of my worst qualities.

I might be wrong but it was in April

And I posted something talking about another girl

You said you were happy for me and I deserved to be happy

That's not what I wanted.

You called me Nadia

Not my love

Not any of our nicknames

I'll admit it hurt me

I didn't

I remember crying

And you

You comforted me

I wish I could've saved that

It

I can't explain it

You were telling me you loved me

Telling me it would all be okay

You'd be there for me more so

You'd try

I was begging you

I didn't know what for but I kept saying please

Please don't

Please stay

Why?

Why did you make me fall in love with you?

I said it was so hard.

I always have said never beg anyone to stay

But I did for you.

You drove me hopelessly insane.

After that I received the same attention

Or lack there of

Months passed

But our last encounter was me saying enough.

Enough to being ignored

I was exhausted and had no ideas on what or how to get you attention.

To get you to want me as I wanted you.

And you said congratulations.

And it stung,

Have you ever accidentally touched a hot pot or baking sheet?

Your little finger is red and inflamed, right?

and after it leaves a burning sting.

And it stays with you all day, that sting

That hurt

You my dear were good at this little game.

But I said fuck that

You asked me if I was okay one day

I told you this

I told you whenever you miss me just remember

You had me

And I wasn't good enough,

And after all my attempts you still didn't have the decency to reply.

I said when I was down and missing you

And wanting to talk to you, you always brushed me off.

So I had to stop making you my priority because sadly

I was never yours

So yeah after all this time I'm finally okay.

Was it fair of me?

To say this?

I can't take it back so maybe it was.

Maybe deep inside me

I thought this was something I needed to say

So I did

This was Thursday, July 11 at 3:41 PM

Of course it's only fair you reply

You have your say in it

You told me

I'm incredibly sorry Nadia. I'm sorry that I didn't

Take your feelings Into consideration and acting selfishly.

You said there was no excuse for any of your behavior, and you would own that.

You have always been good enough in my own eyes,

You said I'm just not a very good person at the end of the day.

I do apologize for not being there for you and contributing to your hurt

Most of all, I am sorry for not treating you as if you were my priority,

Again I have no excuse to give you.

I just know that you were to me, I just never showed it.

I do hope you continue to be the strong woman I know you're capable of being.

Good luck and congratulations.

Silence

My head was silent

My sobbing was the only thing coherent

I had to say it

I had to do something

So I did and it left me

Feeling

Worse, unsatiated

It was equally our fault

We needed to communicate

Tell eachother what we needed

You should've just told me you needed some alone time

I should've gotten the memo

I shouldn't have needed you as much as I did

I don't know is this a goodbye?

Does our relationship have to end with a Goodbye?

I don't know not yet

I'm not sure

I have you on my private story

I have you on Wattpad

You read it

You read My Series Of Goodbyes

You said they're raw but beautiful.

Congratulations!

We talked a bit

I told you some were hard to write

You offered if I ever needed help or someone to listen to.

You said I got this:)

You apologized to me

You said

I also really want to sincerely apologize to you again.

I've been going to therapy and it's been helping me realize some stuff about myself.

and I truly am sorry for the way I treated you, Nadia.

I forgave you long ago

It's okay I put to much on you, you already had a heavy load.

It wasn't fair of me. I forgive you. I have forgiven you.

We all make mistakes we all get confused and sometimes we do things that don't make sense to others but at the end of the day we're human.

Don't worry about it.

I told you you taught me a lot

And you helped me grow

I told you I would and always love you

I will always love you too nadia.

you've taught me a lot too, more than I think you'll ever know.

What do you think?

I say this

But I'm asking myself

What do you think nadia

I know everyone deserves forgiveness

What she did wasn't as bad

If ruby could be strong enough and forgive me

For publicly exploiting her

For getting a restraining order and telling everything we did in open court

Should I be one to shut people out?

Yes I know sometimes you have to say enough

Is this one of those circumstances

I will not know

Goodbye

2269 words

I wrote a portion of the last part first

You were my first

But how would I just include one

I needed to go in chronological order

I don't know what to say now

I think what happens

happens

I believe if we're destined for whatever it may be

It'll come.

Don't force it

Don't rush it

That's what I've learned

And don't ever beg.

I hope this one makes sense

I feel the ones I can't explain

Hurt most so I was confused

And they went on for so long I don't know what

To include

Or what to over look.

I'll have to say goodbye for now.

-Nadia

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