Ocho /// Euphoria
a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment.
Well In our case
This is your name
I know your Good bye will hurt most
We met online
To be specific we met on Wattpad
I was reading one of your books
I commented on one of your rants
Standing up for you
You said no one had ever done that for you
Just a stranger
Standing up for another
After our first encounter you asked me to audition for a
new book of yours
I sent a simple one
We exchanged numbers
You wanted me to help choose a cover
You're very talented
We started talking
I was living in California
This was in March I remember
When we started talking
It was nice
I was watching the kids
And you and Esequiel
Would fill me up with a little happiness
We got to know eachother
We grew close
But when I moved to Chicago if it was even
Possible we well I was so attached to you
And we were closer than ever for a time
You were one of of the people I could openly be myself
Even if it was behind a screen
That was my genuine self
You were such a nice person
I felt like you never judged me
You were so gentle
I always felt so safe
So I can't explain it
But you gave me a feeling I never had
A kind of emotion I'd never received
Even though we never touched I felt like I'd hugged you millions of times
It was Something I felt I always needed
But never felt
I don't know
But I always felt at peace
I felt like a kid in a sense
Maybe it was because my parents failed to show me affection
Maybe they failed to show what you did
Maybe that's all I needed as a kid
For someone to truly care
Well pleasure you gave me that
Don't get me wrong yes I have people who care about me
I'm not saying you were the only one
But in the way you did it
You knew that truly I was fragile
Without it being said
You treated me like a doll
If that makes sense
A fragile porcelain doll
And maybe that's what I needed at the time
I felt I could tell you anything
I could vent to you
I could tell you what was going on in my mind
Talk to about my depression
Talk to you about my bad unbreakable habits
Ways of coping and your delicacy
It helped me a lot
But I got used to it
I suppose I asked for too much
Maybe that's why my parents never gave me affection
Because after awhile I'd need too much
It was unfair of me to
I now realize that
So for that I'm sorry
I should've realized you had a lot on your plate
You had no obligation to me
I'm sorry I asked for too much
I'm sorry for my clingy ways
I was in a bad place at that time
I'd just moved 2,000 miles
The man I was in love with
Well I left him behind
And even though we talked
Our relationship was still rocky
My eating disorder was a way I coped
Instead of restricting I now would
Sure I'd restrict all day
And when my mom would get home
And sometimes purge
Another way I'd cope was well
I then had recently picked up the habit
Of cutting again
But we were moving
There were blades
I got one
And it helped for a bit
I started small nothing too much
Five or six
But when it'd get too much
I'd go to shower
I'd open a box and get this one makeup palette
Where I hid it.
And I'd go to the bathroom
And remember what my pediatrician said
About how we sometimes do it on our thighs?
Well with that idea in my head
I didn't want to do it on my arms and possibly get Caught
I have a mole on my right thigh
I'd use that as a marker
Don't pass this point
Those five or six
Turned to ten
The most I'd done was forty
Maybe even fifty
In one time
I started barely grazing the skin
Towards the end I was applying pressure so they could be deeper
I got addicted to the power it'd give me
The power i would feel
I controlled how deep
And I felt I had no control
My parents denied me control
After awhile I started to crave to see the blood
I'm clean now
I've stayed strong
but I was constantly doing it
Sometimes over older cuts
I even would perch my leg up
And started on my inner thigh
It'd hurt during the day
But I'd think
I did that
I caused that pain
And It made feel powerful
I did that for a while
I needed to.
Toxic or not I felt it helped
But you see it wasn't all bad.
Cos now I was relying on you
And there was no physical pain
But that's not true
It's just as bad
Just as toxic
I understand now you needed space
It's draining when someone is constantly needing this
Sure I'd give you tons of affection and attention
I suppose I needed you more than you needed me
Sometimes we'd talk on and off
For your birthday I bought you a couple
You said you loved them
We kept talking
I'd get so happy to talk to you
To see your name
Your messages and face
You were and are unconditionally beautiful to me
I know you'll make a great mother if that's what you choose
If you give that feeling you gave me those kids will
Grow to be perfect
You were a bit older than me
Just maybe that added to it?
You weren't a rebound
But I felt as if my soul was bound and made for yours
I feel like I wanted to marry you
To spend my whole life with you
With that safe feeling
I know it may sound like I wanted a future with all my
And maybe that's true
Maybe I fall too fast?
Maybe I used to rely so deeply on others
It'd get too much when I didn't have it
I'm not that way anymore
So all this time has passed and we shared
That we felt we both had fallen in love with eachother
Hours and hours of pet names and love
I felt the love
It was magical
Think what you want
But I felt it.
There was just so much love
And I was emotionally attached
Thank you for making me feel
Thank you for helping me
Even when I just wanted to let go
You saved me so many times
And for that thank you.
Our last encounter left me empty after two years
I'll admit I got too attached.
I'm sorry for that.
I said I'll never vent
I'll never open up.
It never works
Cayra fed off it and it pushed you away
I'll always be sorry for doing that, it's one of my worst qualities.
I might be wrong but it was in April
And I posted something talking about another girl
You said you were happy for me and I deserved to be happy
That's not what I wanted.
You called me Nadia
Not my love
Not any of our nicknames
I'll admit it hurt me
I remember crying
You comforted me
I wish I could've saved that
I can't explain it
You were telling me you loved me
Telling me it would all be okay
You'd be there for me more so
I was begging you
I didn't know what for but I kept saying please
Why did you make me fall in love with you?
I said it was so hard.
I always have said never beg anyone to stay
But I did for you.
You drove me hopelessly insane.
After that I received the same attention
Or lack there of
But our last encounter was me saying enough.
Enough to being ignored
I was exhausted and had no ideas on what or how to get you attention.
To get you to want me as I wanted you.
And you said congratulations.
And it stung,
Have you ever accidentally touched a hot pot or baking sheet?
Your little finger is red and inflamed, right?
and after it leaves a burning sting.
And it stays with you all day, that sting
You my dear were good at this little game.
But I said fuck that
You asked me if I was okay one day
I told you this
I told you whenever you miss me just remember
You had me
And I wasn't good enough,
And after all my attempts you still didn't have the decency to reply.
I said when I was down and missing you
And wanting to talk to you, you always brushed me off.
So I had to stop making you my priority because sadly
I was never yours
So yeah after all this time I'm finally okay.
Was it fair of me?
To say this?
I can't take it back so maybe it was.
Maybe deep inside me
I thought this was something I needed to say
So I did
This was Thursday, July 11 at 3:41 PM
Of course it's only fair you reply
You have your say in it
You told me
I'm incredibly sorry Nadia. I'm sorry that I didn't
Take your feelings Into consideration and acting selfishly.
You said there was no excuse for any of your behavior, and you would own that.
You have always been good enough in my own eyes,
You said I'm just not a very good person at the end of the day.
I do apologize for not being there for you and contributing to your hurt
Most of all, I am sorry for not treating you as if you were my priority,
Again I have no excuse to give you.
I just know that you were to me, I just never showed it.
I do hope you continue to be the strong woman I know you're capable of being.
Good luck and congratulations.
My head was silent
My sobbing was the only thing coherent
I had to say it
I had to do something
So I did and it left me
It was equally our fault
We needed to communicate
Tell eachother what we needed
You should've just told me you needed some alone time
I should've gotten the memo
I shouldn't have needed you as much as I did
I don't know is this a goodbye?
Does our relationship have to end with a Goodbye?
I don't know not yet
I'm not sure
I have you on my private story
I have you on Wattpad
You read it
You read My Series Of Goodbyes
You said they're raw but beautiful.
We talked a bit
I told you some were hard to write
You offered if I ever needed help or someone to listen to.
You said I got this:)
You apologized to me
I also really want to sincerely apologize to you again.
I've been going to therapy and it's been helping me realize some stuff about myself.
and I truly am sorry for the way I treated you, Nadia.
I forgave you long ago
It's okay I put to much on you, you already had a heavy load.
It wasn't fair of me. I forgive you. I have forgiven you.
We all make mistakes we all get confused and sometimes we do things that don't make sense to others but at the end of the day we're human.
Don't worry about it.
I told you you taught me a lot
And you helped me grow
I told you I would and always love you
I will always love you too nadia.
you've taught me a lot too, more than I think you'll ever know.
What do you think?
I say this
But I'm asking myself
What do you think nadia
I know everyone deserves forgiveness
What she did wasn't as bad
If ruby could be strong enough and forgive me
For publicly exploiting her
For getting a restraining order and telling everything we did in open court
Should I be one to shut people out?
Yes I know sometimes you have to say enough
Is this one of those circumstances
I will not know
I wrote a portion of the last part first
You were my first
But how would I just include one
I needed to go in chronological order
I don't know what to say now
I think what happens
I believe if we're destined for whatever it may be
Don't force it
Don't rush it
That's what I've learned
And don't ever beg.
I hope this one makes sense
I feel the ones I can't explain
Hurt most so I was confused
And they went on for so long I don't know what
Or what to over look.
I'll have to say goodbye for now.