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Him. (Part I)

Poems written to/about h.i.m.


Hurtful words penetrate my heart

Shattering it into pieces

It can be repaired

But only if stronger words of love

Are shot towards me

-Paul’s Pizza dinner

What is love?

I’ve wondered,

“what is love?”

I was small when it first entered my mind.

Is love beautiful?

My parents were in love and it was a beautiful sight.


I assured myself,

that’s what love is.

I wish I could go back and tell her that that was not love.

Maybe the rare kind of love,

but not the love she would experience.

I wish I could show her

all of the bruises and scars,

all of the fake apologies and threats,

the lying and the deceit.

But I can't.

She will have to learn the hard way.

All I can wish for is that she can make it out with her heart intact.

This is love.

-the bad kind of relationship


My face is hot,

palms sweaty.

Only air is between us

for the first time in months.

As he stands before me,

I weep,

not only for his presence but for everything that has happened.

We are together once more,

just like the old days.

-long distance relationships

You disgust me to the moon and back

You beg me to stop

But what will that do

But hurt and embarrass me

I have no knowledge

Of why you want me

to cease my hellos

I appreciate you

And desire

To have a friendship

Why are your commands

So painful?

What are your wishes?

What do you want?

I always ask that

But sometimes

I need to think

About myself

And what I want

This relationship is toxic

The way you speak to me

Is painful

I may be skilled

At annoying you

But that doesn't excuse

The way you treat me

So until you treat me

The way I deserve to be treated

We are no longer friends

Not even classmates

We are merely strangers

-to all the people that denied my request to be friends


Thoughts clog my brain

Yet no words can escape my mouth

Like a zipper

I can open it only when I have the courage

At times the zipper is unable to close

But others,

It refuses to

No matter how hard I tug at it

Only through a screen can I communicate

It feels as if the time will never come

I always look to the future

To my next opportunity

But like a coward

I shy away

-it was hard for me to talk to you, my crush


The first time

my eyes met your body,

your face and hair,

I froze.

I was instantly mesmerized by

your outer shell.

Yet, I failed to look within

at your true self,

your personality,

and your ability to appreciate.

Yet, maybe you could appreciate,

you just couldn’t appreciate me.

I don’t blame you,

I blame myself.

I am aware of my flaws.

I know that I am abnormal.

I realize I am a freak,

that I am “special.”

I don’t embrace it,

but maybe I should.

That confidence would give me the feeling that I don’t need you,

that I am better than you.

I am lost.

Who am I anymore?

I changed for you.

I changed who I was,

for you,

and am unable to return to my true self.

I tried to hide my flaws from you,

for you,

instead of embracing that I

was different,

different than the rest of them.

But you were unable to see my true potential.

I sat on my bed

and looked out the window,

my mind in a different place.

My heart had broken,

and it was your doing.

You didn’t have to love me,

just like me,

give me your attention and time.

Yet it was too difficult a task.

Was it something I did?

Was I not good enough for you?

I replay what happened

in my mind,

but it doesn’t add up.

Nothing I can think of,

nothing I did,

or you did.

I say I am over it,

but I still obtain the emotions.

My heart still races

when you grow near.

Sweat drips down my forehead,

my hands shake,

lips quiver,

my mouth goes dry.

But then I remember the pain you caused me.

I could never forget when you gave YOUR opinion on MY skills.

So what if I was bad at gaming!

What of that?

I did not ask for your opinion.

You loved my brother more than me!

You had no love to spare?

Perhaps it was due to my ability

to do the things you and your friends did.

Maybe I was too outspoken,

unlike the other girls,

who sat and obeyed,


I am unable to leave my feelings

behind me;

To forget them

and move on.

So what am I to do but wait until they dissolve?

Perhaps I could wait

to find

someone new,

someone to dump my feelings

and emotions onto.

But what if it repeats?

I do not have the strength to survive

another heartbreak.

I will just be quiet.

I will sit and listen.

I will let them talk to me.

That is the right thing to do.


-to the boy I thought was worth changing myself for

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