Why So Serious?
Because I think that you need to be in pain to heal properly. Like if you break an arm and it sets wrong, the Dr will re-break it so it can be healthy.
So I try to write what hurts. The things inside that I need to vent, the things outside that make me feel bad. And often, things for others. Once people start reading, they become engrossed, relate, binge, resonate. Often finding a much needed affirmation in my words. And they support me, because it's the same as supporting themselves.
In middle school I was bullied by classmates, teachers, neighbors. Because where we lived I was a minority, and one especially hated. I was also weak, couldn't properly stand up for myself & didn't associate with others too much.
That hurt constantly, and the things I had to do everyday kept weighing me down. So I turned to music, like I so often do. Since music verbalizes emotions. And the emotions I chose to listen to helped me during that time.
I listened to 'bad songs', ones that happy people find too dark and depressing. That everyday people thought sent the wrong messages. But those were what pulled me up from my slump when nothing else worked.
Songs about giving up, about being done with trying so hard, and just spending all day feeling alone. Those told me that what I was feeling was valid. That I wasn't over exaggerating the feeling inside me.
Songs about anger, violence, burning down the world. Those told me that I needed to stand up, bite back, and grit my teeth. It awakened my fighter and showed it that it can start me off, if I was willing to keep pushing forward and stop letting things slide just because.
Songs about intimacy or lack of commitment, showed me how to let go of rigid ways of thinking, and instead be open to new ideas. I never had to follow, but at least I wasn't judging others. It also gave me an appreciation for the morals I decided to stick with. Such as waiting to consummate until I was ready, whether that be after many years of a relationship or once I was married. Deciding that I would adhere to the age law for alcohol consumption in my country. Just to name a few.
But it was those words, the ones that the artist sang and rapped, for the purpose of pain. It made me face what I felt, and work through it. So when I write, I also do the same thing. I face myself and what happened; I achieve closure, or work out a path to get there; I can see how I have changed by looking back; and I get others to do the same.
Seeing me struggle with the same thing, they examine their recounts alongside mine. Watching as I go through the different stages of dealing with the hurt and talking it through. It helps them see coping mechanisms to try, which steps they maybe missed or could do next. Reminds them that maybe they are holding onto things better off let go.
When I hear certain songs, I remember what I was going through and realize that I'm doing better than I was then. When I look over my book collection, I remember when I read them compulsively. Rehab albums echo me the most, talking about self depreciating habits. Like them, I recognized what I was doing to ruin myself, and how it needed to stop.
Even if that process of getting back on the right track would be harder than it was not to. Most things worthwhile are hard to achieve without dedication and commitment. So let's get this show on the road! I don't really have any words to comfort you right now, because that's not what pain entails. And I'm not going to sugar coat it, cuz this bitch is going to be the rude wake up call somebody out there needs.
I might not write happy, but I write strength and support just fine. Go make sure you hurt as badly as you need, flush that toxin from your system, reclaim your life from everything else! Because it'll hurt worse before it finally starts getting better.