Flash Poet

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Första Kärleken

My worst fear wasn’t that I screwed up
Nor was it that I couldn’t figure out what was wrong
I knew it was because he was too young
That he wasn’t emotionally ready for ‘us’
He just wanted to be single, wild and free
A freedom that went against the idea of ‘me’

The reason why I was so hard on myself
What everyone prefers to leave out during break ups
Was that I found the problem
But I couldn’t fix it
It really was all him
And there was nothing to do with that

We girls always know it in our guts
Though refuse to blame our loves
We’d rather turn the blade inwards
Before admitting we couldn’t make it work
No matter what we did
Or what we tried

He was my first many things, so it was harder
But I’m well enough now
To laugh and cry without breaking down
‘If you love someone secretly, accept the possibility that you’ll hurt silently’
They didn’t say this would happen
If loved out loud, bold and down to the last letter

So I screamed my pain into the night sky
But the wind led it astray
Then I sobbed my pain onto the pillows
But with this ocean of turmoil, it sailed away
Finally I used this pain to fuel the drive inside
And forever will it stay as I make a new way in life

You loved me once, I love you still
Never the same, never to build
It never made sense to me
Until a few seconds past breaking
He broke a few of my barriers
Along with the walls of my heart

Realigning, Redesigning
It’s a brand new me in the making
Burning outdated promises along the way
I’m releasing the secret of första kärleken
Past ready for my girls, my community
To welcome me home
And shatter my heavy vow of silence

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