The Illness

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Chapter 2

I have to post the new chapter

Everyone will hate it!

I have to post a new video

Don't bother, no one will watch it

I will start live streaming this week

Who would watch someone as ugly as you

The sludge is going up through my body more. Pulling me down with a tighter grip.
A tightness in your chest slowly becomes so tight that you struggle to breathe, some days feels like your choking.

I still get up, I try my hardest to push through it and not show the panic.

“You’re just acting stupid, get over it!”

Words from people who don’t understand

“You do things that make me happy to get this fear off, so you do what makes you happy.”

Can I have some help? The same help I give you...

Don’t bother, no one will ever help you. You will just cause them more problems.

I am yanked down more, fear entering me from whichever way it can enter from. Ears, eyes, nose, mouth if the sludge ever grows that high or pulls me down enough.

The darkness is waiting for you... Come join us

It slowly starts to climb more, the more I struggle to break out the tighter the grip it has on me. The more I struggle the more it yanks me down, the more it swims through my veins.

I don’t want to live in fear, however... I can’t seem to escape it. Will everyone really not help me? Does everyone think I am the problem?

They talk about you behind you’re back. You know you’ve been a bad friend to them.

Pain in my chest, almost heart attack pains, has hit again, I breathe inhale and exhale to try and get some oxygen. However, the panic sets in.

Tightness in chest, exaggerated breathing, shaking, sobbing, overthinking.

To some it happens once a month, some twice or more a month, some have them at random intervals at random times or days. Some have panic attacks in their sleep, some even worry about having a attack.

Don’t bother going outside. Everyone will only talk smack about you. At most, the outside world will only hurt you. HECK, even at home you will get hurt.

Too scared to sleep, too scared to wake up, too scared too eat, too scared to take caself, too scared to post that new chapter or that new video, too scared to press ‘go live’ on that Livestream, too scared to raise your hand in class, too scared to localised or meet new people in fear of getting rejected. Too scared... Too scared to even live some days.

But somehow, many people have the strength to go to family and friends for comfort. Why can’t I do that? What’s stop-... I remember why...

I have been with you since the age of two. You won’t be getting rid of me that easy, I will be staying with you for much much longer. Remember why I showed up? Remember the abusive father you had for the first two years of your life, remember that abusive guy who told his who town that 12-year-old you wanted to gave sex with him, your mum couldn't escape him for almost a extra ten years of your life, remember all the bullying from both students and teachers you went through in school for an added 14 years.

I remember... I mostly want to forget so I can move into the future.

that’s a lie and you know it as I said, no one will ever help you. You will forever be scared.

If anyone is having suicidal thoughts or intentions please contact your local helpline.

If anyone suffers from anxiety or an anxiety disorder please don't be scared to reach out to a loved one.

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