Between These Lonely Walls

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Follies

Sour Grapes

Seeing you with her leaves

a bitter taste in my mouth.


I feel fire burning my throat

And I convince myself that

you are not worth all the love

I am so willing to feed you—


you whose eyes are always longing

whose hand is always welcoming,

whose laugh is always ringing in my ears

whose heart will always have a place on my sleeve

whose kiss becomes sweeter

the more you give it

the longer it is each time


—I shake off the thought of you

No matter how many sour grapes

I put in my mouth

It only takes the taste

of your sweet wine

for me to change my mind


Drunk

I take one shot

I feel fire burning my throat

and I cannot say

what I wanted to before this


I take another shot

I feel the alcohol rushing through my veins

and I cannot muster the strength

to take your hand when I know I should


I take one last shot

I feel the poison dulling my mind

and I cannot love you

the same way I want you to

I am about to black out


I feel the hangover coming

I know I’ll still want you in the morning

the same way I’ll want to drown out the feeling

with another shot


Smoke

You strike a match

It blew my mind

But not for the reasons you think

I watch you


Breathe in. Breathe out.


You offer me a huff

I am tempted

by the taste of your lips on it

And I take it.


Breathe in. Breathe out.


You don’t know

how intoxicated I am


You smile and offer me a stick

I joke about how one

will take a minute of my life

I take it anyway.


Breathe in. Breathe out.


You made me so lightheaded

­­—and drunk with fear

You offer to share a pack

—a night of inhaling poison

till our lungs give out

till I drop dead at your feet.


Breathe in. Breathe out.


I think, who cares

if I live a minute longer?


You light another one for me.

I wonder how long I’ll last

This, here with you, could

be my last minute


Breathe in. Breathe out.


But I only feel

lightheaded

and intoxicated

by you


The Truth Is A Bitter Pill

You didn’t love me

That was the truth

a bitter pill to swallow


I followed the routine

I played by the rules

hoping the truth becomes yours


I threw the rest down the drain

I didn’t want the truth

I wanted you


Lie to Me


Lie to me


Tell me that I’m the one

touch my hand, kiss my lips

love me in all the ways you can

Lie to me about tomorrow

and the day after that

Just lie to me good


Because I’ll lie to myself

tell myself you’re the one

hold my own hand,

imagine your lips on mine

Lie to myself about our tomorrow

and the day after that.


I’ll lie to myself good

for you, about you, about tomorrow, about us


Catch Me

It’s a little game we play.

I lay my hand next to yours

and I watch yours inch closer

I pull away before you reach me


It’s just tag-and-you’re-it

You walk a frenetic pace next to me

and watch me try to keep up

You run ahead before I reach your hand


Maybe it’s tug-of-war

You talk to me in the morning

then ignore me all day

I hug you, let your body enclose mine

then I draw a line I will not cross between us

And we hope we’re pulling the same end of the rope


No, it’s running together,

pushing and pulling ahead of each other

Till we forget just who is chasing who


In the end, you know

I’ll never run far enough

that you can’t catch

even just a sight me


Your Eyes

I dipped my toes in the watery depths of your eyes,

and tested the deep ocean of your mind

I felt comfort. You felt so familiar,

like a sleepy dream I wade through every night,

a memory buried in our mysterious depths.


You hold out a hand to me,

give me a better look into the abyss

I felt fear. You unnerve me and excite me,

like a leap into the unknown with my eyes closed,

a peek into a future that may or may not come true.


But still I look and swim and wade in your gaze

for a semblance of love and reality

to feel now, to feel you, as you are


When I’m ready, I promise I’ll take your hand,

dive,

head first

eyes wide open,

off the steep cliff

into your waters

and just drown, just drown


I promise I’ll let myself drown.


Pedestal

I put you up on a pedestal

One that I can never reach

And all I could see from below

is a spectacular view of your sky


Kingdom

I crowned you king

Dressed you up in the nicest vestments

Fed you the finest feasts

Handed you the keys to my kingdom

So why won’t you let me in yours?


Smoking Gun

You said you killed the memory of her

pointed the gun right at her heart

closed your eyes and pulled the trigger


She’s dead, you asserted


But I could tell you still love her

in the way you hold out your arm to me

for the phantom you wish I could fill in

in how you look at me like I’m a better target


She was not the one in your crosshair


You said you didn’t need to forget

You’ve forgotten about her long ago

closed one eye and took the shot


She’s out of my sight, you whispered


But I could see the smoking gun

in the hand you offer me

once aimed at a target you promised you killed

I wonder who you used the smoking gun for


Her or me or you


End of The World

The world will inevitably end. I know you’ll be there, taking my hand, holding me close burying my eyes in the crook of your neck while we watch the world crumble around us

We’ve always known the world was going to end, blazing in hellfire, barely living and frozen in time, dulling our hearts in radio silence while we fight for survival in our dying world

I can’t say it wasn’t bad. You can’t say it wasn’t good either. Sometimes, the end didn’t feel so final; it couldn’t have come fast enough; it felt like it wouldn’t come at all. And we stayed feeling unsettled in limbo

But the end will come. I’m sure you’ll be there—long after I let go of your hand, long after I pull away from your embrace, long after I open my eyes to see what’s real. You’ll always be there, watching it all burn.


Bad Things

You do bad things because they feel good

Eat that extra slice of cake

Take what isn’t yours

Look when you’re told to cover your eyes

And let him in after you kick him out

because he promised to make you feel good


I tell myself it’s alright to do bad things

Pick up the phone when he calls

Accept his invitation to spend the night

Steal glances at him when you’re told to look away

And wake up in his bed in the morning

deciding to stay a minute longer


I can never understand why I do bad things to myself

Tell myself this will make me feel good

Tell myself it’s alright to do bad things

Tell myself I’m just getting all the bad out of my system

so I won’t do it all again


Then say, “Fuck it,” and do it all again tomorrow anyway


Goodbye, Sweet Traveler

Hey, sweet traveler

I know you’ve seen the world

Been to hell and back

Seen paradise before they kicked you out


You say I could feel like home

But I know you were never really the type

to stay put in one comfortable place

to lay the grounds for home


Goodbye, sweet traveler

I’ll leave a light on for you at my doorstep

In case you need a place to stop by

In case you can’t find your footing in the world


But I’ll only leave it on for one night

I have places to go, too

And I don’t want to wait forever

For you to feel like home, too


When Writers Fall In Love

Write me into your story

Give me a page of your book

Let my name fall between words

that passed your lips


Because I’ll write you into mine

Dedicate an entire chapter for your eyes

Make you the protagonist

of my imagined kingdom

Just write me into your story

I promise I won’t take too much space


Just give me a spot next to your name

And it’ll be enough for me

to start my own story


Follies

I couldn’t remember when it started

I just know that I wake up to close my eyes again,

imagining you lying next to me

and drawing me in for a morning kiss


It must have started sometime

in the middle of the night

when you called to ask me

about buying a new shirt


I remembered how you tugged at my shirt

and touched me everywhere

It was the hunger we shared

and a taste for midnight flesh


You once said we should be stupid together

never mind what the world will think

never mind that sordid mouths will talk

when your bare chest touches mine


And that’s what it all was to you

stupid folly to get the sordid out of you

but it was more than the hunt for prey for me

It was carnal hunger for flesh I can never bite

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