Turning 24 was terrifying, but I was so brave, I had nothing to worry about except the fact that I needed to start taking life more seriously. At 23, I felt really wild, really lost, and escape was on the forefront of my mind. Mingled with the desire to love, to love me, to love life, to love earth, to love others, but to really know myself, moreso than I had ever given myself the chance to before. 24, I was lonely, a lonely, lonely person in a world where no one knew me. I was really, truly and genuinely alone at the age of 24. When I turned 25, it was a strange awakening, like, wow, I’m 2 decades into life from the time I turned five years old. Which, doesn’t feel like it was as long ago as it has been. Two decades of life, plus 5 years of childhood… Okay.. this is really weird. I’m almost done with my 20’s, I’m in the half mark, I’m not an early 20’s person, and not quite a late 20’s person. Then that year went by as if time was a stopwatch instead of a clock, or a timer, and the timer went so quickly, that before I could even blink, 25 was over, and then…. There’s something special about turning 26, it’s not the same kind of special that it is to be 27, or even 25. It’s a more delicate and childlike adult step. You get to 26 and you’re looking back at 7 years of your life, 8 years of your life, 9 years of your life, and then 10 years, and wow, you think about when you were 16, because everyone knows turning 16 is a huge deal, it’s that place where you’re like, “Okay I think I am really feeling like I’m almost an adult.” Not even knowing how wrong you were. Then you get to 26 and you think about that inner 16. 10 years in reference to this, seems to be a long time and in the scale of life, it feels like you’re really ready for being an adult, and not ready at the same time, you’re definitely not in your early 20’s anymore, and you’ve passed the middle. 26 is definitely like being in the middle of two selves. It’s like you’re holding your own hand, and you’re getting ready to say goodbye to all of the immature and wild things that you thought made you an adult, and you’re ready to genuinely learn what it means to be a mature, entirely successful adult who just has their entire life together. But, you’re 26, you don’t have your life together completely you’re not there yet, even if you like to look in the mirror and admire your growth with a pep talk about how far you’ve come. You’re not quite there yet, and this is something you don’t even realize until you turn 27. When you turn 27 you look back at the past 11 years with such love, such adoration, such appreciation, and tenderness. This is what a young life in the 20’s of my life looks like, this is what it means to live: “right?” You ask yourself while you’re daydreaming out by a tree. Maybe just standing there, staring at the clouds move in the sky. The rain, you really, really feel it seeping into your pores, you might find your first silver hair growing in a place that is visible and you don’t want to do anything about it really, just think to yourself, “I’m here now.”
27 is like a river, running wildly, one that you see from far away on a hot day, and you fearlessly jump in unencumbered by the outcomes of where the current will float you to because you know wherever you end up, you’ll be pulled by the rush of the water with ease, even if the water is wild and untamable, somehow you just make your way through and you reach the surface and you take the deepest breath, feeling alive, feeling awake. The air you breathe fills your lungs and you’re opening your eyes to the world around you for what seems like the first time. You’re 27, not 28, not 29, not quite 30, not 25. You’re not quite right in the middle anymore. No, you have passed that. 27 is beautiful, 27 is patient with you, you want to hold on to it. You want to hold on to it so tightly, you don’t want it to fade away, so in deep self reflection, you make memories of your own mind. You make notes of your own heart, you recognize yourself in a way that you never had been brave enough to before.
In my 27th year, I wanted to be 27 forever. Even though it’s not over yet, I know that more than any of the others, so far, this one I will miss more than I can even understand right now, when I was 25 I was dying to be 27, when I was 26 I wanted to be either of the other, but I looked at myself and I thought, you’re almost there, or you can’t go back, “you know that.”
This is where I am now, and even in the imperfections of what it is. 27 has been the kindest to me. I think it is because of how excited I was to know what it means to be where I am now. I’m hopeful that 28 will have some surprises for me. Just reminiscent on my 18th year. How strange it will be to know that I am just ____ away from 30.
How will it feel to be there then? 30 is not quite half way I hope. Maybe a new beginning there awaits me. If I survive, I’m sure I will somehow, find a way to let myself know. Perhaps I am already there — writing a letter to 27 about how everything works out in ways that I can’t even comprehend, and how wonderful it was to know me then. I think that is the best thing we can do as we age. Being who we are when we are. We are living this life with ourselves, and for every moment and every fibre of our being: I think that understanding the shape of the leaves in each year, remembering the wildness in a growing human being, the secrecy, the clandestine lovers, the first kisses, the first time we feel anything that marks our hearts forever.
I think by the time we are at our ends, our hearts are so big and so full, and when our little spiritual watch marks the hour of our time of rest, we will hopefully be able to look back to 30, 20, 10, 1, and our mothers with such love and understanding. Such a breathtaking spiritual ascension. Our lives are so fleeting before us. Even in our pain there is much beauty and much to be learned, shared and understood for the souls of this universe.
We are all going to a place of magic and wonder, and no matter where we are in time, no matter what numbers we face, there’s this undying love living in the hearts of all that is pure and good; as we age, we grow to know that love more and more so long as we keep our eyes, ears, and hearts open to receive.
Whatever fate lies ahead of me, I know my creator will be there to greet me with such a love that will never fade and as I age, I know I come closer to understanding the origins of my soul, and as I sit here twenty-seven: I realize that this is something I have just realized, as well as something I’ve known all along, and I await eagerly, to know my 30, my 40, my 50, my 60, my 70, my 80, my life. As is it meant to be lived, as it is a gift from an unknown love that dwells deep within my heart, and with that, within me, I cannot help but to feel the greatest satisfaction in my life that I have yet to experience. & in the hour of my death, I will be as I am now, within an aging body, within my dying Suzie, and I will feel the deepest love and gratitude and I think that is all anyone can really hope for. To know that you are loved, beyond reasonable doubt, to know that life is beautiful, and to know that even if my purpose was just to be me, it was well worth the time I have been blessed with here on earth.
