The Thoughts of a Perfectly Imperfect Teenager

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Friends are interesting. You want them to last forever. Life isn’t perfect. We want everyone to be treated equally, but true equality can never exist. People are always judged by their wealth or their social status. Not everyone will be treated equally. People change in the ways you least expect them to. Betrayal never comes from your enemy, sadly. You can’t expect everyone to like you. You want to fit in, but trust me, it’s worse thinking you fit in and finding out that you were wrong along.

There are a lot of good people out there, and sadly, it took me more than a few betrayals to realize not everyone in the world is bad. I mostly keep to myself, mainly because I don’t want to let anyone down or be let down by anyone else.

I realize I don’t have anyone I categorize as a “best friend,” but I’m fine with that. See, something I’m very good at is knowing the right thing to say. It’s the main thing keeping a lot of friends with me. I wouldn’t call myself a good friend because I like to stick to myself more than anything. But what everyone likes is having someone listen to what they have to say. And I am that person. Mostly, I’m just there for support. As a friend friend, I barely make the cut because I don’t talk that much and rarely express my true opinions. The thing is I can listen, and I know what to say to make someone feel better. The key is saying the right thing at the right time. Because even if it’s not the easiest thing, everyone needs a confidence boost.

I might not be good at being a regular friend because the way everyone else around me thinks and acts just doesn’t match with me. But that’s the main reason people come to me. Because they like talking and want someone that will listen without quieting them. And when talking to me about something they don’t like, the best thing to do is play along by not necessarily agreeing but not disagreeing. Just doing it in a way that shows you see their point.

That makes it really awkward with people in general because I never have anything to talk about without showing I’m not like everyone else. But as long as the other person is talking, I’m okay. Most people say what they feel no matter what. But when someone is telling you something, the last thing they want is you disagreeing with what they are saying, even if that’s what you really think. I want to fit in, as much as I can anyways, which is why I stick to being quiet. But when someone talks, I see where they’re coming from and follow along. And I don’t mind doing that. It’s the best way of fitting in by being myself and not being myself at the same time.

Every time someone demands me to listen to them or tells me to see it from their point of view, I have to bite my tongue.

Everything in me wants to say something like, “I’ll do that once you start doing the same to me.”

But I don’t.

Every time someone back stabs me and then instantly expects me to help them, I help them. Because that’s just the type of person that I am. And I have to bite my tongue.

Because everything in me wants to say something like, “Oh? You’re talking to me? You want my help? Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, I was too busy trying to pull out the knife you just stabbed in my back.”

But I don’t.

Every time someone asks me why I don’t care, I have to bite my tongue.

Everything in me wants to say something like, “Maybe if you’d do the same for me.”

But I don’t say that. Because truth is, I do care. I always care. I care about everything and everyone, even if no one will care for me.

I don’t ever say any of that. I don’t ever say any of the words that so cruelly penetrate my mind that would make them shut up in an instant. I don’t because I care, and I truly do want to help. It’s just . . . no one ever wants to help me.

I give so much, risk every piece of self-esteem, self-respect, piece of pride, I have left in me for the sake of everyone else’s happiness, yet when it comes to mine . . . that’s the problem - it never comes to my happiness, it’s always about everyone else.

I can’t say I completely mind though because my happiness stems from the happiness of the people around me. I just wish for once . . . my happiness came from . . . me. That’s all.

I know, a lot of times, people can be so annoying because they think they are way worse off than they actually are. And that’s most people, to be honest. Most people need to go somewhere poor, need an eye opener of some sort, that will show them just how lucky they really are. I understand that there are thousands of people in this world worse off than me, so I try to be grateful for everything that I have.

It’s just I always feel I need to hide. Always. When I cry, the tears are nonexistent. Instead, every single time I cry, a small part of me shatters. You don’t realize as these dents become larger and larger, until one day you realize you’re broken. Either split in half by the realization, or shattered by the guilt. Every single night I have to close my stinging eyes, I have to think “Someone has it worse then you.” And every single piece of guilt, hatred, hot tears, and righteous anger I’ve pushed down, is why I’m so bitter. Why I prefer to stay alone, stay quiet. I feel like I don’t have anyone or anything else, but I think I’ve realized that I have this community of people I’ve never even met, but they understand more about me than any of the people I know do.

Just remember, there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. And trust me, no one wants to be lonely.

And I am here for you. I’ll always be your friend. Even though you don’t know me, and I don’t know you, I still love you and care about you.

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