In the Gloaming
Drowned
The tides rose too quick
And breached the sandcastle wall
I foolishly thought
would protect me
Creeping up my calves
The milky tender white
Of my thighs
Cresting my pubic bone
Wrapping icy cold tendrils
Around my waist
As I gasped at its intimacy
I have been under water for a month now
Tumbling in the current
No idea which way
Is bottom
And which the surface
It is quiet here
Muffled
Weightless
And I no longer care
If see the sky again.
The floating is peaceful
It is the sinking
that I feel more
dense and dark
chasm deep
and silent
it is the silence
that is the draw.
Quite the Act
My heart has the skill
To walk the high wire
Tiptoed, dipping and
Balancing this way
And that
But still falls
From its height
Just shy of the safety
Of the opposite platform
My heart can contort
Tumble, bend and roll
Into whatever form
You need it to baby
But it never seems enough
To satisfy
My heart can do splits
Almost ripping in two
Spin dizzily as it is suspended above
Your heads
I can acrobat my heart
In any manner of
Daring and gravity defying ways
But all it ever accomplishes
In its feats
Is cheap entertainment
And truly
My heart is tired
Of this circus.
Transience
I feel like I am all edges
That people like to skirt around
Comfortable on the shore
Not willing
Nor perhaps able
To dive into the depths
Or a touchstone
Where they come to sit
Recharge
Feel cared for
But not particularly motivated
To lay a foundation on its strength.
Deaf to Myself
I have let people in
When I shouldn’t have
Red flags and alarm bells
Be damned
Most started
With fire and butterflies
Tenderness and raging lust
And it was good
Till it wasn’t
I fucked lessons and blessings
And sometimes
The both of them were
All wrapped up
Into one unlocked gate
One open door
Someone I had no business
Taking at all
More broken than me
Or spoken for
But hungry
I would like to think
I am learning.
Fallen
Thoughts dance and sway
To the Devil’s tune
Drowning out peace
Till there is no more room
For anything
But sin.
Cowardice, Sin
You ran
Tail between your legs
Like a guilty dog
I have a feeling this
Transgression
Was not unique to me
I stood firm
Right where you found me
After all
I had the right to be there
The freedom to take
What you offered
I am still here
Burns healed
But not at all sure
I want to risk another torching.
Learn from the Burn
It’s always the brief
Shooting star Hot flame
Across your life ones
That leave the deepest burns
Blisters up so many layers of skin
That the healing takes years
That was you
I am a survivor of your fire.
Full Moon
Moonlight seems to enter
And draw upon my blood
I want to howl and let the she wolf free
Breath ragged
Teeth yearning
For the softest part of your neck,
Just there
Above your clavicle
Offer it to me
Sink to your knees as the carnage begins
There is no stopping now
My precious one
You have invited this
And I will take every last tender sweet morsel
That is given.
All Rots in Time
Memories like vines
wrapped intricately around the past
a woven maze of
touch, laughter, words, ideas
hard to unravel
My memory is still in love with you
in the places where
reasoning was obscured
and choked by vines
that promised fruit
just out of reach
where I could conveniently not see
and therefore, not face
that this could go nowhere
and any fruit
whose scent I kept catching on the hot wind
would eventually rot.
Sin Eater Failed Part 1
I knew better
Than to play with
Such damage
Knew that my own triggers
Weren’t far enough behind me
And that I would not survive
Your pain, your PTSD
Your encompassing dark
That was palpable
The day we met
Stupid me
Thinking if I could be
Like a sin eater
And consume
All your trauma
Let you do what you needed
To me
To get off
To achieve release
Let you leave bruises behind
Absolve your shame
That you would be free
But damage such as yours
Forged in childhood dysfunction
And horrors of war
Can never be erased
I could have eaten my fill
Of your sin
100 times over
And still you would carry
It like thick black chains.
I often wonder
If you will ever be absolved.
Sin Eater Failed Part 2
Trying to move on
trying to fall
into someone else
trying to push the edges of comfort
where you held back before
the edge of the dark forest
where the wolf waits
a little rough
a hand on your throat
the knife edge of fear
and fascination
but here you have also found
dysfunction
and another’s own demons
as you try to claw and kiss and bite
the dark away
distract from the past
you say you aren’t afraid
but parts of you are
parts of you both are
the demons are dark
deep rooted
you wonder….
will you ever love properly
gently, unafraid?
Sin Eater Failed Part 3
There it is
the ache in the jaw
the collapsing in across the chest and collar bones
sternum pushing into my lungs
I feel like I am being crushed
by a dark shame
whose name is abandonment
the feeling of being pulled away from
after offering up my soft throat
trusting
daring to let go for a while
too open
to easily
taken there
where there is no air
and breath comes shallow
this sour pit in my stomach
bile in my mouth
things I don’t want to remember
want to come out to play.
Turning Point
Feel that?
like a slap in the face
sends me reeling
a button pushed
fight or flight
in overdrive
from a few joking words
vulgar yes
but in jest
and yet
heart hammers
chest caves
throat feels
like it is closing
and I feel sick
and on fire
with anger
fear
shame
why
do I allow this response
do I cave
into weakness
does the anger rise like bile
choking me
tears stinging?
You
wolf, devil, man, warrior
broken yourself
and rebuilt in fire
I swear you have come to me
to slap me awake
FEEL THIS
Stop hiding
FEEL THIS
face it girl
face it
heal it
Be free.
Nightmarish
I had a dream
I saw you reach
For a box of razor blades
Small, triangular, exquisite
Fearing your intentions
I popped them one by one
Into my mouth
And ran
Bleeding words
For the rest of my days.
