Through the Gathering Dark

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In the Gloaming


Drowned

The tides rose too quick

And breached the sandcastle wall

I foolishly thought

would protect me

Creeping up my calves

The milky tender white

Of my thighs

Cresting my pubic bone

Wrapping icy cold tendrils

Around my waist

As I gasped at its intimacy

I have been under water for a month now

Tumbling in the current

No idea which way

Is bottom

And which the surface

It is quiet here

Muffled

Weightless

And I no longer care

If see the sky again.

The floating is peaceful

It is the sinking

that I feel more

dense and dark

chasm deep

and silent

it is the silence

that is the draw.

Quite the Act

My heart has the skill

To walk the high wire

Tiptoed, dipping and

Balancing this way

And that

But still falls

From its height

Just shy of the safety

Of the opposite platform

My heart can contort

Tumble, bend and roll

Into whatever form

You need it to baby

But it never seems enough

To satisfy

My heart can do splits

Almost ripping in two

Spin dizzily as it is suspended above

Your heads

I can acrobat my heart

In any manner of

Daring and gravity defying ways

But all it ever accomplishes

In its feats

Is cheap entertainment

And truly

My heart is tired

Of this circus.

Transience

I feel like I am all edges

That people like to skirt around

Comfortable on the shore

Not willing

Nor perhaps able

To dive into the depths

Or a touchstone

Where they come to sit

Recharge

Feel cared for

But not particularly motivated

To lay a foundation on its strength.

Deaf to Myself

I have let people in

When I shouldn’t have

Red flags and alarm bells

Be damned

Most started

With fire and butterflies

Tenderness and raging lust

And it was good

Till it wasn’t

I fucked lessons and blessings

And sometimes

The both of them were

All wrapped up

Into one unlocked gate

One open door

Someone I had no business

Taking at all

More broken than me

Or spoken for

But hungry

I would like to think

I am learning.

Fallen

Thoughts dance and sway

To the Devil’s tune

Drowning out peace

Till there is no more room

For anything

But sin.

Cowardice, Sin

You ran

Tail between your legs

Like a guilty dog

I have a feeling this

Transgression

Was not unique to me

I stood firm

Right where you found me

After all

I had the right to be there

The freedom to take

What you offered

I am still here

Burns healed

But not at all sure

I want to risk another torching.

Learn from the Burn

It’s always the brief

Shooting star Hot flame

Across your life ones

That leave the deepest burns

Blisters up so many layers of skin

That the healing takes years

That was you

I am a survivor of your fire.

Full Moon

Moonlight seems to enter

And draw upon my blood

I want to howl and let the she wolf free

Breath ragged

Teeth yearning

For the softest part of your neck,

Just there

Above your clavicle

Offer it to me

Sink to your knees as the carnage begins

There is no stopping now

My precious one

You have invited this

And I will take every last tender sweet morsel

That is given.

All Rots in Time

Memories like vines

wrapped intricately around the past

a woven maze of

touch, laughter, words, ideas

hard to unravel

My memory is still in love with you

in the places where

reasoning was obscured

and choked by vines

that promised fruit

just out of reach

where I could conveniently not see

and therefore, not face

that this could go nowhere

and any fruit

whose scent I kept catching on the hot wind

would eventually rot.

Sin Eater Failed Part 1

I knew better

Than to play with

Such damage

Knew that my own triggers

Weren’t far enough behind me

And that I would not survive

Your pain, your PTSD

Your encompassing dark

That was palpable

The day we met

Stupid me

Thinking if I could be

Like a sin eater

And consume

All your trauma

Let you do what you needed

To me

To get off

To achieve release

Let you leave bruises behind

Absolve your shame

That you would be free

But damage such as yours

Forged in childhood dysfunction

And horrors of war

Can never be erased

I could have eaten my fill

Of your sin

100 times over

And still you would carry

It like thick black chains.

I often wonder

If you will ever be absolved.

Sin Eater Failed Part 2

Trying to move on

trying to fall

into someone else

trying to push the edges of comfort

where you held back before

the edge of the dark forest

where the wolf waits

a little rough

a hand on your throat

the knife edge of fear

and fascination

but here you have also found

dysfunction

and another’s own demons

as you try to claw and kiss and bite

the dark away

distract from the past

you say you aren’t afraid

but parts of you are

parts of you both are

the demons are dark

deep rooted

you wonder….

will you ever love properly

gently, unafraid?

Sin Eater Failed Part 3

There it is

the ache in the jaw

the collapsing in across the chest and collar bones

sternum pushing into my lungs

I feel like I am being crushed

by a dark shame

whose name is abandonment

the feeling of being pulled away from

after offering up my soft throat

trusting

daring to let go for a while

too open

to easily

taken there

where there is no air

and breath comes shallow

this sour pit in my stomach

bile in my mouth

things I don’t want to remember

want to come out to play.

Turning Point

Feel that?

like a slap in the face

sends me reeling

a button pushed

fight or flight

in overdrive

from a few joking words

vulgar yes

but in jest

and yet

heart hammers

chest caves

throat feels

like it is closing

and I feel sick

and on fire

with anger

fear

shame

why

do I allow this response

do I cave

into weakness

does the anger rise like bile

choking me

tears stinging?

You

wolf, devil, man, warrior

broken yourself

and rebuilt in fire

I swear you have come to me

to slap me awake

FEEL THIS

Stop hiding

FEEL THIS

face it girl

face it

heal it

Be free.

Nightmarish

I had a dream

I saw you reach

For a box of razor blades

Small, triangular, exquisite

Fearing your intentions

I popped them one by one

Into my mouth

And ran

Bleeding words

For the rest of my days.

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