Beginning to Learn
B
Old Thought Patterns Prevail
There are times
I get caught up
in the dark chatter
that mumbles from the
back corners
of my mind
No matter how far I come
into now, into calm, into peace
who am I really kidding?
Shadow remains
And always will
Reminding me
of the pieces lost
that never closed
only created a void
that pulls at hopes for happy
that sheds reality on being able
to fully love
Some days
I want to just lay down
all this fixing
and I wonder
a little too often
if it would be better
to go this last leg of the journey alone.
I want to be brave
but morning finds me weary
and solitude
is the call that rings sweet
and true.
Creeping Doubt
Quiet makes me crazy
And I fear your indifference
Knowing I will only bear it so long
I told you once that I refuse to beg
For your enthusiasm
For just a little more
This nearly year-long
Exercise in patience
Has been a learning experience
As you let me in slowly
I who is notorious
For too soon, too quick
Too much
But then really, that is me
And I don’t know how else to live
Or love
And I promised myself
Never again to shrink
To make someone else comfortable
Age is calling on my Wild
She aches to live with more passion
And less reservation
And she is whispering in my ear
That maybe there are parts of you
That just can’t meet me
On that level
That thought
Makes my heart hurt.
Self-Sabotage
My mind rages against reason
Fights to fall back on
Old ways of thinking
Where there is only hurt
And fucked up
To sleep with at night
How dare I be happy?
How can this possibly
Continue down a sunny path
When there is adversity
You know bitch
The kind that leads to
Over
To “I can’t do this”
To “This is too much for me”
And “I need to think about
where I want this to go”
In other words
To goodbye
My mind writhes
Under your sometimes quiet
Though I know your world
Is chaos now
And you struggle to even
Keep afloat
And yet still want me here
When there is time for us
Maybe I am fighting
The tendency for selfishness
My past is riddled with people
That couldn’t handle me
And people I couldn’t find
patience for
And good lord I am trying to learn
That the best things
What lasts
Takes time to grow
Beginning to Mend
I gave you away
many times
for woefully little
your worth had no meaning
to me
and hadn’t for so long
the wolves took hungrily
all they could rip from your bones
all the very marrow they could probe
from the hollow centers
So now
every time I am forgiven
by the wraith-like teen girl
I left when the night
fell on us
I am humbled by her grace
and I learn
to love her anew.
Scars and Wounds 1
Years upon years
layer upon layer
whip stitched
slip stitched
back stitched
enclosing myself
cocooning
from any more pain
for what good that did
there was never enough stuffing
or strong enough thread
but still I would mend the tears
till fingers bled
I am too old now
to keep hiding
my fingers so cramped and numb
I can’t hold a needle
I want to take a stitch ripper
and tear away at the lengths upon lengths
of thread
I want to tumble out
from the seams
in only gossamer
and skin
like new
like rebirth
like freedom.
Scars and Wounds 2
There are places now healed
But sore underneath
Like something closed
Before the toxins flushed completely
Like something is still
Crawling around
In the dark beneath
That won’t do
There are scars for a reason
To seal out whatever caused it
To protect what is vulnerable within
So I peel back my scars
To create new ones
Breaking through the crosshatch
Of tissue
To remake them
Thicker, keloid, tougher
Flush the wound better
This time
Till nothing is left
Let it knit together anew
More like armor
More like survival.
Scars and Wounds 3
Some things cut so deep
That they never close
Because instead of
Exposing it to the sun and air
It is easier to heap all manner
Of shit and denial on top of it
Detritus to fill the hole beneath the surface
Piled with more escapism, justification, and outright self-neglect
Till there is just a nasty looking mound
Where the wound used to be.
And honey trust me
That shit will fester down there
In the dark
Growing black mold in the moisture
Of tears
You refuse to let out
Get out the debriding tools
Scrape it back to new
Fresh skin
Every deep wound needs exposure
To heal properly
Sometimes
You gotta just look at it
For what it is
In all its oozy gaping glory
And then watch
The amazing process of healing
And marvel at the badass beauty
Of that scar.... raised and jagged
But god damned tougher now
At the seam.
Growth, Listening
Smile frozen on my face
Stomach in knots
This isn’t what I want
For myself
But better than being alone
I think
This plays out
With many men
In many ways
The drunk, the abuser, the neglector
Allowing things
I never imagined I would
Shame wrongly taught me
By 16
I was not worthy
Of more
But time
Has shown me
A new morning.
The days of accepting less
Because I thought something
Was better
Then nothing
Are over
Nothing is not to be ashamed of
In fact, it is quite peaceful
I have learned I am already
Complete on my own
And the next something
I allow into my life
Must be so, so much more
Then I have ever known.
Ascend Darling
Beware the lure
Of low hanging fruit
Easy fixes wrapped
In pretty packages
Promising
To help ease the pain
Make quick work
Of damage
Years in the making
No weekend meditation retreat
Tapping therapy
Chakra clearing
Vibrational healing
Is going to solve
Decades of harm
In a few sessions
There needs to be so much more
Near equal years
Of tears and rooting in
The darkest cellars
Of the soul
There needs to be screaming
Into the abyss
Maybe tearing of hair
Gnashing of teeth
Sobs that cleanse
Where Buddha and god
And Jesus and Mother Mary
Cannot.
And then, as you finally scrape
That raw and bloody bottom
Will you begin to rise....
Rise my love
You are beautiful
And your phoenix ascent story
Is so very needed.
Carousel Mind
Thankfully, these days
Are more seldom
The ones where sleep
Was sparse
The night before
And thoughts whirled
Like a frenzied carousel
Where the horse’s eyes
Were wild with memory
And fire
I curse these mornings
When brain aches and crawls
Overwhelmed beneath my cranium
And I am already so tired
Of trying to keep vertebrae
Upon vertebrae
And stand tall in the face
Of a day that seems bent
On breaking me
I want to unzip my spine
And let the wolves have a go
Their fangs dripping
With my blood
Licking from their chops
My will to walk through
This world today
When they are satisfied
And have left me here
A mangled heap
to go
Howl
At the cold night moon
I will admire how well
They have cleaned the bones
As they glow in the moonlight
And my sense of the beauty
That can come
From something as simple as
Myself stripped bare
Will be the thing that
Grounds me again
Tomorrow is a new day.
And I always seem to heal.
Finding Her Again
It is a process
and it makes my fingers crack
and bleed
layer upon layer I uncover
sometimes with care
as I pass down through the debris of time
sometimes with fervor and panic
tossing things angrily over my shoulder
swearing, crying
where is she?
where IS she?
Days dawn to find me sitting
in apathy by the dig site
eyes glassed over
spent and numb
wanting to be done now
what was lost found
keep sifting and digging
beneath discarded tokens of the past
books, black clothing, scars, scabs, flowy skirts
tarot cards, runes- Ignuz, The Lovers, The Priestess
Death
beneath crystals, journals, pendulums
those years trying to divine her location
deeper
dolls, toy trucks, brambles and briars and banana seat bikes
It is a process
but it will be worth it the day
her small hand finally reaches from the rubble
to grasp yours.
Burn it All Down
There are days that I think
I can’t do this anymore
this feeling too much
as I always have
this heaviness
that I can’t shake
I don’t want to do the work
the rooting out the cause
the facing what is in that dark room
Just want to lay this down
douse it with kerosene
light it on fire
and walk the hell away.
