Through the Gathering Dark

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Beginning to Learn

B

Old Thought Patterns Prevail

There are times

I get caught up

in the dark chatter

that mumbles from the

back corners

of my mind

No matter how far I come

into now, into calm, into peace

who am I really kidding?

Shadow remains

And always will

Reminding me

of the pieces lost

that never closed

only created a void

that pulls at hopes for happy

that sheds reality on being able

to fully love

Some days

I want to just lay down

all this fixing

and I wonder

a little too often

if it would be better

to go this last leg of the journey alone.

I want to be brave

but morning finds me weary

and solitude

is the call that rings sweet

and true.

Creeping Doubt

Quiet makes me crazy

And I fear your indifference

Knowing I will only bear it so long

I told you once that I refuse to beg

For your enthusiasm

For just a little more

This nearly year-long

Exercise in patience

Has been a learning experience

As you let me in slowly

I who is notorious

For too soon, too quick

Too much

But then really, that is me

And I don’t know how else to live

Or love

And I promised myself

Never again to shrink

To make someone else comfortable

Age is calling on my Wild

She aches to live with more passion

And less reservation

And she is whispering in my ear

That maybe there are parts of you

That just can’t meet me

On that level

That thought

Makes my heart hurt.

Self-Sabotage

My mind rages against reason

Fights to fall back on

Old ways of thinking

Where there is only hurt

And fucked up

To sleep with at night

How dare I be happy?

How can this possibly

Continue down a sunny path

When there is adversity

You know bitch

The kind that leads to

Over

To “I can’t do this”

To “This is too much for me”

And “I need to think about

where I want this to go”

In other words

To goodbye

My mind writhes

Under your sometimes quiet

Though I know your world

Is chaos now

And you struggle to even

Keep afloat

And yet still want me here

When there is time for us

Maybe I am fighting

The tendency for selfishness

My past is riddled with people

That couldn’t handle me

And people I couldn’t find

patience for

And good lord I am trying to learn

That the best things

What lasts

Takes time to grow

Beginning to Mend

I gave you away

many times

for woefully little

your worth had no meaning

to me

and hadn’t for so long

the wolves took hungrily

all they could rip from your bones

all the very marrow they could probe

from the hollow centers

So now

every time I am forgiven

by the wraith-like teen girl

I left when the night

fell on us

I am humbled by her grace

and I learn

to love her anew.

Scars and Wounds 1

Years upon years

layer upon layer

whip stitched

slip stitched

back stitched

enclosing myself

cocooning

from any more pain

for what good that did

there was never enough stuffing

or strong enough thread

but still I would mend the tears

till fingers bled

I am too old now

to keep hiding

my fingers so cramped and numb

I can’t hold a needle

I want to take a stitch ripper

and tear away at the lengths upon lengths

of thread

I want to tumble out

from the seams

in only gossamer

and skin

like new

like rebirth

like freedom.

Scars and Wounds 2

There are places now healed

But sore underneath

Like something closed

Before the toxins flushed completely

Like something is still

Crawling around

In the dark beneath

That won’t do

There are scars for a reason

To seal out whatever caused it

To protect what is vulnerable within

So I peel back my scars

To create new ones

Breaking through the crosshatch

Of tissue

To remake them

Thicker, keloid, tougher

Flush the wound better

This time

Till nothing is left

Let it knit together anew

More like armor

More like survival.

Scars and Wounds 3

Some things cut so deep

That they never close

Because instead of

Exposing it to the sun and air

It is easier to heap all manner

Of shit and denial on top of it

Detritus to fill the hole beneath the surface

Piled with more escapism, justification, and outright self-neglect

Till there is just a nasty looking mound

Where the wound used to be.

And honey trust me

That shit will fester down there

In the dark

Growing black mold in the moisture

Of tears

You refuse to let out

Get out the debriding tools

Scrape it back to new

Fresh skin

Every deep wound needs exposure

To heal properly

Sometimes

You gotta just look at it

For what it is

In all its oozy gaping glory

And then watch

The amazing process of healing

And marvel at the badass beauty

Of that scar.... raised and jagged

But god damned tougher now

At the seam.

Growth, Listening

Smile frozen on my face

Stomach in knots

This isn’t what I want

For myself

But better than being alone

I think

This plays out

With many men

In many ways

The drunk, the abuser, the neglector

Allowing things

I never imagined I would

Shame wrongly taught me

By 16

I was not worthy

Of more

But time

Has shown me

A new morning.

The days of accepting less

Because I thought something

Was better

Then nothing

Are over

Nothing is not to be ashamed of

In fact, it is quite peaceful

I have learned I am already

Complete on my own

And the next something

I allow into my life

Must be so, so much more

Then I have ever known.

Ascend Darling

Beware the lure

Of low hanging fruit

Easy fixes wrapped

In pretty packages

Promising

To help ease the pain

Make quick work

Of damage

Years in the making

No weekend meditation retreat

Tapping therapy

Chakra clearing

Vibrational healing

Is going to solve

Decades of harm

In a few sessions

There needs to be so much more

Near equal years

Of tears and rooting in

The darkest cellars

Of the soul

There needs to be screaming

Into the abyss

Maybe tearing of hair

Gnashing of teeth

Sobs that cleanse

Where Buddha and god

And Jesus and Mother Mary

Cannot.

And then, as you finally scrape

That raw and bloody bottom

Will you begin to rise....

Rise my love

You are beautiful

And your phoenix ascent story

Is so very needed.

Carousel Mind

Thankfully, these days

Are more seldom

The ones where sleep

Was sparse

The night before

And thoughts whirled

Like a frenzied carousel

Where the horse’s eyes

Were wild with memory

And fire

I curse these mornings

When brain aches and crawls

Overwhelmed beneath my cranium

And I am already so tired

Of trying to keep vertebrae

Upon vertebrae

And stand tall in the face

Of a day that seems bent

On breaking me

I want to unzip my spine

And let the wolves have a go

Their fangs dripping

With my blood

Licking from their chops

My will to walk through

This world today

When they are satisfied

And have left me here

A mangled heap

to go

Howl

At the cold night moon

I will admire how well

They have cleaned the bones

As they glow in the moonlight

And my sense of the beauty

That can come

From something as simple as

Myself stripped bare

Will be the thing that

Grounds me again

Tomorrow is a new day.

And I always seem to heal.

Finding Her Again

It is a process

and it makes my fingers crack

and bleed

layer upon layer I uncover

sometimes with care

as I pass down through the debris of time

sometimes with fervor and panic

tossing things angrily over my shoulder

swearing, crying

where is she?

where IS she?

Days dawn to find me sitting

in apathy by the dig site

eyes glassed over

spent and numb

wanting to be done now

what was lost found

keep sifting and digging

beneath discarded tokens of the past

books, black clothing, scars, scabs, flowy skirts

tarot cards, runes- Ignuz, The Lovers, The Priestess

Death

beneath crystals, journals, pendulums

those years trying to divine her location

deeper

dolls, toy trucks, brambles and briars and banana seat bikes

It is a process

but it will be worth it the day

her small hand finally reaches from the rubble

to grasp yours.

Burn it All Down

There are days that I think

I can’t do this anymore

this feeling too much

as I always have

this heaviness

that I can’t shake

I don’t want to do the work

the rooting out the cause

the facing what is in that dark room

Just want to lay this down

douse it with kerosene

light it on fire

and walk the hell away.

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