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Chapter 2: Versus


Engulfed in the barracks between simplicity or trauma
On the verge of self crucification or peace
My thoughts render me useless as an unaccompanied hatred foreshadows pain
Woe to the wounds unbound the merciless tears I plead yet thee have forsaken me countless memorials yet I mourn the simplicity or trauma bestowed upon me

As long as

As long as I said nothing you smiled
As long as I lowered my head you thrived
As I laid struggling to exist you lived
When does my life get to begin
I leave you follow another chance given
Then with the lying and cheating
Multiple arrests and court cases
Wiping the tears from the kids faces
Constantly picking up the pieces
Smile in public behind closed doors mistreatment
Constant ridicule for your mistakes
How much of me can you take
As long as I’m quiet everything is great
As long as I don’t break

Look at me the way you did day one
Laugh with me like you did when we had fun
Hold me as tight as you used to
Text me good morning and night and I love you
Pray with me on those tough days when anxiety overpowers my mind
When I’m drowning in my thoughts and depression creeps right behind
Look me in my eyes and shower me with reassurance
Look at me once more my darling look me in my eyes

My heart beats different at times not at all
It clouds my judgment sometimes my eyes
It’s dark and broken so It has to hide
It takes longer to heal so I don’t use it as a guide

Seeing is believing

Despite the constant allegations you suddenly become deaf
When She becomes you tell her here’s some makeup fix yourself love you have to be your best self
Despite the conversations you over hear you scream it’s not your business but go and gossip to all the little church members
But when questioned to defend her suddenly your mute
Despite the constant hospital visits your suddenly blind
When you see him raging you say well keep your mouth shut next time
When she leaves you tell him where she’s at and every time he drags her screaming and kicking back you say why don’t you just leave him it couldn’t be me
Your weak there’s none of me inside of you
So she waits and waits until the opportunity arrives
On this joyous day that’s filled with tears faces veiled with black
She’s confused to see so many faces hear so many cries speak such lovely words
Because see no evil hear no evil look where that got her

What would you do

What would you do if I twisted your mind
Preyed on your moment of weakness
Lurked over you at your meekest
Poisoned your thoughts from behind
Your back
Followed your dreams and claimed them as my own
Was at every breath you took
What would you do
Perhaps you'd try to run no that's to obvious
Change your routine take extra precautions
Dream a little quieter
Never take another breath hold everything inside of her
Or just errupt
What would you do

I hate you
Everything about who you've become
I hate you
For not showing up sooner and leaving me in a rut
You lied to me humiliated me all for whatever reason
Publicly and privatly didn't matter to you
But the thing I will never stop hating you for is making me hate you
I hate that I wasted so many years
Chance after chance millions of tears
Ignoring all the signs
Because my heart beat so deep for you all I wanted to do was try
Now I can’t forgive myself and for that I'll hate you until I die


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