12/30/2020 - 3:15am
i never thought 300 mg of lithium would do the trick.
it’s been one year since i started medication and it took a whole year for a psychiatrist to give me the pill that would prevent me from _ _ _ _ _ _ _ myself.
you would think 600 mg would do an even better job at the purpose of why the pill was given to me.
it didn’t.
side effects.. for weeks. it was reduced to 300.
i’m fine.
that’s what i say. i cant think about suicide, i don’t feel suicidal yet here i am. 3 in the morning looking up ways to _ _ _ my self.
but i don’t want to _ _ _ myself...
i have so much that i’m really happy to live for.
however, there will always be a part of me that longs for death. it’s like medication creates a whole new person.
person 1 is being affected by the medication. they are on the journey of finding what meds work for them. they are healing.
person 2 is person 1, but.
they are the version before medication.
there is one body.
i was reminded today that my current actions regarding drugs are what lead people to death. i didn’t think she would bring up this certain word, however she did. i never thought of that word for a while. the last time was February.
February.
I should be dead right now?
arsenic
such a simple word used in an example of how drugs could _ _ _ someone. although she used that word as an example to show how i shouldn’t _ _ _ myself, i took that example into a reflection of how i used to lust for such a poison.
so many ways. so many methods.
it’s human nature to long for the fastest and painless ways.
BUT WHAT IS THE BREAKING POINT THAT A PERSON SHOULD CHOOSE THE OPPOSITE.
i like to think i have self control. i know i do. i know myself.
i have self control. i’m mindful. i’m aware.
what will make me choose the opposite?
