Hi Dad! It's been a while since we've talked.; though I talk to you -- or rather whine helplessly -- everyday. I don't know what I'm doing Dad. Or if I'm doing it right. I know there is no definitive way to live our lives but when I watched you everyday live yours and mine for years, and darn it you made it all seem so easy. You never told me it was going to be this hard -- not to mention the part that you are not going to be here with me.
The day you left -- God forbid I still can't say "d**" -- I felt numb. So numb that I thought crying would make me feel something. When I watched you there on the floor as I perform my first CPR the only thing that crossed my mind was that it was my fault. Until we were all in the hospital, and I sat on the floor still asking for good news from doctors even though I know I wouldn't be hearing any.
After everything I never knew what to do. I cried myself to sleep and kept every waking moment doing something to make myself occupied. Because I know if I stopped, even for just a second, I'll think of you and breakdown. And then I'd have to start over knowing that there is still a void in my heart and mind. I even had a tattoo -- your life motto -- near my heart, tried things that I never knew I can and would do and experience things to make me feel again; release me from the long slow-motion part of my life. Those things closed the hole but sadly never filled the gap.
I never stopped making you proud. I'm sorry I wasn't able to fulfill your dream for me to graduate college with honors. I did my best. I gave my all but I guess I didn't care much then because I knew the one keeping me high up there was you. I know it may seem over dramatic and a lot on your shoulders but I'm telling the truth. It's true I love you both -- you and mommy -- but God knows it's been on a different level ever since. And believe me its much on a different level for her now -- but that's another story.
I have been running away ever since Dad. That day, all I could think about is going as far as possible from people other than you. That nobody and nothing else mattered except for you. And because you were gone, they couldn't be anymore useless. But little did I know that running away from everything also meant running away from myself as well. I just wish you're here with me today, right now. I'm sure you'll know what to do. You always say the right words at right times -- except when we argue, of course I was right then.
I have so much to tell you Dad. Believe me, this only the tip of the iceberg. But I know you're always with me and pretty sure know what's going on more than me -- like you always have been. And to be honest, that's what I miss about you. You know what's going on without pissing everyone off and you always kept your distance until you know you're needed. You plan what to do and when you're needed, you spring into action just like a superhero -- just like every little girl views their father.
You've been through a lot but never you remained strong and tall for your family especially your children. We had differences and arguments in the past -- Or I may even did or said some things that could have hurt you -- I am really sorry. I wish I'm not yet too late. I know I did you good and hope with all my heart that I served you to the best of my abilities as a daughter.
I love you very much Dad.
God knows how much I love and miss you right now. I know He and I aren't on good terms -- especially on my part -- and I know you wouldn't like that but I need more time to comprehend and absorb what had happened. Because believe me I'm not OK without you right now. I wish you didn't have to go in the middle of this. I know its selfish and they always tell me that you are in a better place now I just wish its easier to understand. And sometimes I just wish I don't have to understand everything and just be easy on myself even for this one time.
Guide me Dad as I -- once again -- run. But this time towards a greater opportunity, I hope.
You'll always be in my heart Daddy. Hopefully our memories fill it; together with the memories I'm making right now...
Talk to you again soon..
Always your baby,
PS. It doesn't hurt to see you in my dreams once in a while you know.