I loved playing with the ideas in my head of people who all loved each other.
I did not understand why I did that so frequently but now I understand I wish I did not.
You see, even in my fantasies it was not me being loved.
So, you ask me why I feel deserted or so defensive.
Well, it’s because I couldn’t even imagine myself being loved.
And I know it is not your fault, but sometimes I still tell myself it is.
That you did it intentionally because you hated me.
But I do not think it was me that you hated.
Because I know how I reminded you of people you could not change and I know that makes you angry enough that you cannot stand me being myself because it feels like a constant reminder of your failed manipulations.
But did it have to be you?
Did I have to be afraid of you?
I never wanted for things to end with way, but when you set our bridge on fire I walked away because I know I couldn’t contain the blaze.
Do you think about me, other than when you are comparing me to Judas who betrayed Jesus?
Do you hope that I kill myself over you like Judas did over Jesus?
Since you see yourself as nothing less than a messiah.
If you are supposed to be Jesus then how come it was so hard for you to love me?
It’s time for me to stop asking questions I know you can’t answer.
Though, I cannot find it in me to want to listen to you anyways.
I see now that it does not matter if it was you I had to divide from.
Back then I felt like a devoted monk leaving their religion behind.
Though now I know that you were never a god to begin with.
Are you able to understand that yet?