Thoughts I Stay Up For

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Chapter 10

One morning I find myself leaning on your broad, warm back.

Your breathing is steady and you are snoring like you always do whenever we sleep together - I suppose it’s true when you told me you only sleep well when I’m there with you.

I put my arm over your waist and tugged you closer to me. You settled into a deeper sleep and for that moment it was all that was important. Clearly you feel at ease in my embrace - and I am only happier that you feel so while asleep.

And yet again, I feel the irreconcilable distance between the two of us lengthening with every breath we breathe in unison. We were just there - skin to skin. I have never felt closer to anyone ever before and yet -- a moment of clarity dawns on me as I watch the rise and fall of your back.

I’m not the one for you.

I know one day I might leave you, and I know I’ll do it in tears. No matter how many tears I’ve shed, there always seem to be more just edging around the corners, waiting to leap at any lacking command of emotion.

I trace the shape of your silhouette from waist, your arms, then your shoulder. The hotel is clean and immaculate. The rays of the morning sun beat gently across your hair. I am at peace listening to your breathing.

I look at you and I can’t seem to understand myself - why is the urge to pull myself away as strong as the one telling me to stay? The affection I have for you remains immense. I recall your multiple offers to rebuilt this lost ship. I am hopelessly drawn to the promises and the future that we've looked forward to. I am happy. Silly. Silly from happiness that you want to make amends.

Perhaps it’s the natural inclination of self-preservation that guides my heart. You have broken the trust we built over the years and I am terrified of holding your hand in mine again.

I am searching for an answer; a solution to my hesitation. But no matter how hard I try, it seems like this wound is forever. There is no salve for the most unbearable pain a being can receive, and I am just an unfortunate soul.

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