Thoughts I Stay Up For

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Chapter 8

I am about to commit a Sin
and I'm not asking myself why.

There is no rationale in my doing of this,
and I am spurring myself on, saying,

"do it."

I am almost daring myself.

I can imagine already what I'd do -
break a heart with no thought of the consequence.
I'm think I'm ready. No -- I am ready.

I am ready to hold on to a hand that is unfamiliar.
I am ready to go out on dates with an artificial smile.
I am ready to give the most comforting hug to someone who isn't you.
I am ready to kiss the lips of a person I do not love.

Am I ready to do more? I don't know.
But I think I might be ready to break a heart.

You won't know a thing.
(Ha! Who am I kidding? I'll make sure you have an inkling.)
I'll sow a seed so deep into your soul;
every time you look at me,

you hesitate.

Oh I'll make sure you know.
(And I'll never confess. You'd never confront me about it, so let me thank you in advance!)

The hurt -- it has changed me as a person.
In deciding on this I know I have become a monster.
But it is a sentiment I cannot escape.

It consumes me.
It swallows me whole, and
I am but a willing soul.

I know I will no longer deserve what I had before.
I will no longer deserve the kind, the loving, the pure.
I'm willing to relinquish my pass through the golden gates and
your love only pushes me more.

Our paths have crossed and this is probably it.
I know this is close to the end.
I'll lose you, but you'll never lose me.

I'm ready for that.

I don't need a happy ending.
I don't need a sane mind.
I don't need to feel normal;

I'm feeling just fine.

Dear [redacted],

Thank you for hurting me the way you did, or I'd never have grown up to be a stronger person.

I still love you.


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