Depressed Souls.

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Too much.

The sounds of cars moving,
Leaves swaying as the wind keeps blowing.
Crickets chirping, frogs croaking
And ambulances keep me away from sleeping.

Every night when the clock strikes eight
I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
All that I can feel is the anxiety and build up hate
That I have for myself as I am a fucking burden.

Too much money spent on me for nothing.
Too much work done on me for nothing.
Too much time wasted on me for absolutely nothing.
Too much trauma caused because of me for nothing.

Just take me back to my home land.
Where I can get married off to a rich man.
So that I can be his wife.
So that I won’t be a burden in my family’s life.

I can get sex, money and all that I want.
I can get my parents and sisters all they want.
I won’t be wasting my dad’s money,
He wouldn’t have to spent so much on me.

A sugar daddy might work
But I don’t want to have one.
Is this guilt that’s eating me with a fork?
Am I guilty for being a child in this home?

Yes, I am guilty for being a part of this.
I am guilty for being such a nuisance.
If I did listen to them, we wouldn’t be in shit.
Friends helped me but it didn’t work; their reassurance.

All I want is this one last push to take me to the end.
This last push needs a ton of force,
The force that I’m not able to produce at the moment.
I hope I can at least pass this year and not repeat it once more.

These sounds are the only things I can hear.
Neighbours are too quite to be considered near.
New home, new start, new ambitions and also new fears.
My handkerchief’s wet from all the snot and tears.

Anxiety right at my throat,
Ready to butcher me like a goat
Being prepped for Eid
And my fears waiting for me like those hungry bellies.

Mamma doesn’t want me to stop
As she has seen two others reaching the top.
She doesn’t want me to be any less than my sisters
As it would mean that I am the dumber sister.

Colleges won’t accept me if I don’t have a diploma.
This makes me even more delirious than I already am.
Why does education have to be like the Sun?
Essential for our survival but so hard to look at.

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