I Gave You All I Am
i swear
ever single time i crack and open myself to you,
that face ignites. your eyes narrow- your mouth twists,
and i see your arms, itching for control. i see your movements, quick and calculated but furious.
i wonder if you take pride in what you do.
why do you insist on treating me like this?
why
do
you
keep
doing
this
to
me?
it hurts. it hurts real fucking bad and it takes everything in me to not snap, to not scream and cry and pound every bone in your body so i never have to look into your eyes again.
so i never have to look into your eyes again.
so i don’t have to go through that again.
when the day finally comes
and i’m trying to push all the air out of myself,
breathing hard against the mattress as my insides threaten to gush out.
i don’t have the strength to pick myself up,
i don’t have the energy to give you the same smile as I did before.
somehow, though,
i can still write this.
lying on my stomach,
my finger flying
across the screen...
and you’re below me, but you
don’t know,
oh you don’t know the pain it gives me,
the lack of emotion
you dare to hand me.
you don’t know
and
i don’t think you ever will.
but it doesn’t really matter.
that’s not my name,
it never was.
you say it every time and it just
keeps getting worse.
this is all your fault. thanks a lot.
you didn’t have to do that.
it was your decision;
you can’t expect me to abide by your laws as you make them up.
you can’t make me live for you.
