from the bottom of my empty heart

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Human Robot

You know how sometime when you have a nap and you wake up around dinnertime and when you get out of bed and out of your room and downstairs to where your family’s at and sot down at table, everything’s foggy and it’s kinda like you’re watching a movie? Because you just woke up. And you’re still drowsy and your thoughts are barely there, drifting away on a breeze like the air outside that you just wish you could plunge yourself into because at least outside it’s colder in temperature and you would finally feel a breeze under the oversized sweater you’re wearing because no one can notice you, and the temperature is better too rather than the cold glares inside.

That feeling, the brain fog or whatever it is, the floating brain and the drowsiness, it’s everywhere. I don’t take naps. I wish I could. Weeklong naps, if I could. Month long naps. Maybe even yearlong naps. Everything’s cold. Everything’s too hot. Everything is itchy and I need to move but shit I can’t because i’m too fucking tired.

I’m hungry. If I go downstairs my parents will see me and start questioning why I haven’t been downstairs in hours. Never mind, I’ll eat later. Tomorrow. Never.

My brain swallows up my thoughts whole and spits them back out later, at night, when I’m trying to block them out and finally just shut my bleeding eyes. I wish I could sleep for once. Peacefully sleep for as long as I need. I can’t. I can’t sleep for as long as I need. Why? Because I have responsibilities, obviously. There are things expected of me. I need to get up and walk to the bus and remember to eat breakfast and be present in each and every class when in each and every class I am unaware of anything and everyone is unaware of me. I am unaware. Unaware. Aware. Wear. Wear these clothes. Smile. Act like a girl, because you are one.

No, I’m not. I’m not a girl. I’m not your daughter. I don’t belong in the girl’s locker room. I don’t need to buy a pointless gym shirt for six dollars. I don’t need to participate. I don’t need to play capture the football for the last period of my fucking day. At least I have this sweater. Protection. I have protection. But oh no, I have a brain. There’s no protection for that.

There’s no protection from my brain.

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