Clean // Break
the feel of my soft, wet hair against my fingers,
bringing warm coziness to my chest,
and soothing my jumpy nerves.
sparkling and white and smooth,
the walls are if anything getting wider.
leaning against the tiles,
closing my heavy eyes.
it’s all done.
it’s all right.
i am free of the mess.
free of the mess inside my head,
that was screaming for attention just seconds ago,
until i scrubbed everything clean.
like a flash.
and i was content,
but then the monster inside cried for more,
until my hands bled raw.
until the salty drops stung my cheeks like needles.
until i couldn’t clean anymore.
you told me it was wrong;
you told me that i couldn’t.
you told me to go back to where i could be okay.
but when i did, you yelled at me.
causing so many storms to hurl out,
the ground was covered in water.
you made me beg on my knees for something you didn’t have
and then i fell, my chin hitting the concrete.
you kicked me one more time, for good measure, so when i got back up,
i didn’t know anymore
why i was here.
you hurt my soul,
punctured it like you would a balloon,
like i was nothing at all.
you before, was that a charade?
are you lying?
are you genuine?
i would never know.
but you were supposed to be there.
when i burnt and when i scorched.
you were supposed to hold me,
love me as i was.
but you didn’t.
you watched me through the tinted window,
waiting, always waiting, for a slip-up. for a mistake.
i think you wanted to see me fall.
i know you wanted to see me rise.
but was all that real?
just a figment of my warped imagination?
when all along you were inside me,
needing closure and solace,
when i couldn’t breathe.
and when i couldn’t breath,
you held on, making me just gasp harder, taking in more lungfuls of sweet, sweet air.
i thought you broke me,
when all along you built me up again.